In 2004, this amazing film, Closer, was released. That shit changed my life. It certainly changed the way that I looked at adult relationships and fidelity. Fucked my lil idealistic head up, if I’m being honest. Because the truth of all this;
Being human: you gon fuck up.
Might not be adultery, but being imperfect, we not always gonna get the shit right. But. It’s also how we handle things. & how the other person handles things. Because with some shit, there’s no going backwards. For me anyway. When it comes to trust and being honest with intentions, I hold that shit in high regard.
Funnies shit about that though? Just bc you hold it in high regard, doesn’t mean that the other person does. Well. Whatever the case. Broken trust, is hard pill to swallow. & falling in love (or lust) with other people absolutely can and does happen. It’s how you handle the shit as it comes up (& openly communicate about it) that can save ya some time, energy &/or heartbreak. All in all, I didn’t want to go into a new year without creating/posting content from Closer. & remix it with a lil twitter.
I’m not Rihanna I do not love the way you lie. I will block you.
That’s it…that’s the tweet Blog. Ok that’s not it, but damn…this Instagram post stopped me in my fucking tracks and I HAD to share it on my Story and now, here. Because I don’t want to forget it. I don’t ever want to forget the moments that led me to this post. And how divinely timed this shit was.
The fact that I had been playing “Real Love Baby” when I first saw this post also solidified what my guides were trying to tell & remind me:
That settling for lukewarm or bare minimum effort and love is not the business. That I am worthy of a love so sublime and so divine, that it reminds me of love; that I am love(d).
Every bone in my body will be sure. With love and humans coinciding-she doesn’t have to be perfect to be the antidote, the cure…
pure vibes and love. A love affair and love story to rival any epic tale. A love that’s real. And ready. & open and willing to move through the discomfort and the temporary. My love will choose me as I do her, endlessly. She will be solid in her love and intention, not on the fence about me. Not perfect, but perfect…for me.
I could write and write and write…but I’m gonna keep it brief and soak in the words above. A reminder of a perfect love for me. Imperfectly existing, never waning or drifting. Gifting me with her presence and consistency…hold her down as she lifts me. Transporting me to heights not reached previously. & honestly nobody else exists to me… Real Love, Baby
Presence takes on a whole new meaning for me this year-a more intentional and actual/factual meaning.
Standing in the sand ocean against feet. & Being able to look so clearly at the stars in the sky. It reminds you of how smalll you are. & how big…grand, vast…erry thing out there is. & how things are orchestrated divinely, over our own human understanding of things.
One thing that I know for sure: I am still learning and growing. And people show up exactly on time-to remind us of what being present and grounded is AND all of the ways that we may not be. Fuck.
In the midst of building a home (thank the Goddess we are nearing the finish line as the year ends, I have never felt so overwhelmed) transitioning to a whole new life and dealing with familial roots and dynamics that I haven’t been around in the last…24 or so years…it’s been a lot.
But I’m very grateful for the things that I’m learning and being connected with them again. This December makes a whole ass year since I’ve been back and it has been…1 for the books, lol. & as much as everything in my body and mind was ready to head in the opposite direction ✈️ …there is a purpose that I’m back here now. For how long? I don’t know yet. But knowing that my presence here is for something bigger than me-for family and making sure my mum is good and in a brand new home, settled after losing everything in Hurricane Dorian…is what makes every fear and uncertainty, doubt, regret…dissipate. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about how in an instant I almost lost her and the majority of my family on my Mums side…life is…fucking wild.
& when I speak of regret and doubt-it’s me speaking on my own personal demons and journey of giving up a life I have known in another country for the last 20+ years and all of the comforts, the freedom (as a queer person) and ease…that I made the very hard (but easy) decision to leave.
Because my presence was needed here. Presence. Again, that word. This reflection I’m experiencing I suppose is pretty on brand with the year coming to a close.
This post is also pertaining to a connection that I once viewed as promising and refreshing…& I still give it that, as it was. So. Now I’m boutta digress. & since my site has the word confession in it, what did you expect? Lol
I’m…hmm. Acknowledging that people are allowed to change their minds. & allowed to make decisions and choices based on what’s best for them…I have to move forward in that logical space of processing. I believe it was Chani Nicholas who posted up about Sagittarius season and called it the season of “spirited ghosting” 👻 & as a Sagg Moon…the shit is awful, but made sense and made me chuckle when I read it. However, it’s not the best feeling when it’s done to you. As anyone who has ever been on that side of the fence can attest.
Have I done it before? I’m pretty sure I have in my past. Before I grew into the person that I am now. And. So now, I’m tasked with practicing what I am always preaching (from the book The Four Agreements) & 1)doing my best to 2) not take personal someone making a personal decision for themselves. Ehhhh.
Astrologer Danielle (one of my faves) said that your rising is there to protect your Sun. And with Pisces as my rising…umm I dunno bout that 😂 jk, jk. Because with my Aquarius Sun and Sagg Moon…I definitely needed to have that water rising to protect my Sun (at 29° Leo, no doubt) and me from being too hard, selfish, egotistical, self consumed, etc….that water is so necessary. & even though we know the fish can be a bit much sometimes, it’s exactly what I needed to provide the balance necessary that I always strive towards lined up with my Air sun, Fire Moon and Earth Venus. Perfect. For me. & for whomever I end up aligned with in a relationship.
Because I understand now. And I’m so much better and letting things be exactly what they are, without attaching negatively to it, idealizing or romanticizing it to the point of delusion…Neptune can make you do that shit, lol. But. I realize that I can’t do anything with the potential of a thing, only the reality of it. Fuck.
Wisdom comes at a cost, lol. You see me here intellectually speaking on this shit, but I would be lying if I sat here typing and said that this presence and then absence of something/someone hasn’t affected me at all. I’m a human, not a robot contrary to typical Aquarius slander. It’s affected me. Not in an egotistical way though-because like I said, everyone has a right to do what is best for them & I always say that no one belongs to anyone else- but changed me in a way that has helped me grow. I was able to open up and show my vulnerable side to someone (I usually don’t that quickly-Capricorn Venus-lemme stop there because this connection has proven that I have grown) so being open and vulnerable with someone was once a challenge. But. This perfect alignment with her (be it short lived) has shown me all the the ways I have grown for the better. & not being bitter about something that I had so much hope for dissipating the way it did.
It gives me hope and I am grateful for being able to see me; as the person that I was once working to become (in relation to relating to someone I’m feeling/interested in romantically). Fuck. Because I know when I do align and connect with someone on this level again, I know that I’ve done the work and am capable of giving and sharing love, care, myself etc wholeheartedly…with only the intentions of giving and receiving the highest love. Sans unhealthy attachment, ego, none of that shit that I used to deal/rock with.
It’s fucking possible! Lol. It’s a great feeling amidst being bummed about something not going according to my own human plan-but the Universe and my Ancestors…they know what’s up and I trust them. That every redirection of energy and attention is for my highest good and the highest good of all involved.
That’s the shit, man. Because I always say that things are always working out for me-for my highest good AND the highest good of all involved…sometimes I just wanna be selfish and just say for my own highest good, Lolol. But. That’s not what love is. If we being real. I want shit to work for me, but also for you, too. I want it to be working for the higher good for us both. Smh. When tf did I become this person, lol. Well. I am grateful to be here, now. As I am.
I’m here to give and share real love (Cancer 5H and NN) with others. Remind them that they are worthy of the greatest love and care. Might not be from me forever, but they are worthy nonetheless. & acknowledging that I can’t do the work for anyone else but myself. & I am only responsible for me and how I choose to show up. That being said, I will never regret giving or sharing any of my love/care/concern with anyone, because it’s who I am. I’m a fucking lover, man. & I’m grateful for those who see me, feel me, receive me as I am and choose to intentionally show up and reciprocate. & for the ones who don’t, can’t/are unable to for whatever reason…peace to them.
Everyone is my teacher.
Eternally grateful for my life teachers that bless me with lessons that I needed to see/learn. To help fix my vision and readjustment of frequencies. Operating from fear, or embodying of a “runner/chaser” energy is not it. Because anything that is avoiding or running…doesn’t want to be chased. Shit makes sense don’t it? That’s not the type of energy I desire. I’m operating from a space of love and alignment now. & knowing that I am worthy of all the love that I give out. All the good shit, I am worthy of. And as I exhale and release this long ass post of acknowledgments, I am extremely grateful to be here. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
C’mon. YOU said you would be honest with me & keep it real! & you want me to do the same, correct?
This teenager was hyped at making a point that was actually truth.
He asked sarcastically as he tilted his head to the side.
Fine. & DONT tell your mother I’m out here smokin, either.
I got up and looked over the balcony as I exhaled.
Shit. I’ll never forget the first time my eyes found your moms…
I shook my head.
I know you’re probably gonna think this is corny, but…the moment I saw your mother…Time. Stood. Still. & in that frozen moment the only two things that existed was your mother and the pounding of my heartbeat.
I couldn’t believe a woman THAT beautiful was sharing the same space with me…
&…she looked at me. She…looked into me…she looked…through me with her gaze. She was so confident and commandeering even in her strut across the room. My eyes followed her & wondered what the fuck I did to deserve to have this gift, presently in my presence…
& what the hell happened why you ain’t push up?
I cocked my head to the side.
You know, why man. Your OTHER mother. Also known as your moms wife.
Yeah, but she wasn’t even around for hella long! She left us and you were the only person that helped my mom. I hadnt seen her smile or laugh or be happy for real, for real until yall became friends. She was hella depressed and then you came along and that changed.
I sighed. The kid was right.
Still. That’s not the way to start something…to start anything. With lies and deception. That just begets more of that shit & my Soul just ain’t about that.
Besides…initially! When I thought your mom was available…man…
I shake my head.
The amount of Love I had planned on sharing with her…it would be too beautiful and we…I, couldn’t start out like that with your mom. Whatever is meant to be, will be. So, if it’s gonna happen, it’ll happen the right way. That energy, kid. It’s universal currency. You don’t want to afford that type of karma.
I hope you feelin me at least a little.
He sits there quietly for a minute. Our backs turned away from the living room.
No thoughts, huh?
Just doesn’t seem fair, though. The way you talk about my mom, the way she lights up whenever she see you! It’s so damn obvious she in love with you!
Gisselle butted into the conversation after obviously eaves dropping…