Life is amazing. I mean, of course it’s not perfect.
I have my very human moments of overthinking, anxiety…have you seen (been living in) the state of the world? Depression. Relationships with people you love dearly that need adjustment, or disengagement. & learning (doing your best 😬) to give yourself the same grace and compassion you extend to others. & simply navigating life and the world as a queer Black person.
Life be Lifeing.
But, the Sun always shines again…even if it ain’t tomorrow.
Some shit ain curable in a day let’s bffr.
However…it does eventually.
And what a refreshing feeling.
It’s like…taking Lessons in Breathing*
Until it once again becomes automatic
Abundant Life all around you.
Love ALL around you-
no longer sustaining oneself from a single source
that wasn’t you.
You appreciate the beautiful blues and remember that they are the same hues
As a tropical sky
Within the eye
Of the beholder.
What you believe
What you perceive
Your thoughts and thinking becoming things
Remember the sunshine. Do your best.
*shout out to the amazing Slam Poet Theresa Davis & her life-changing poem (She brought tears to my eyes during several different performances of this poem back in Atlanta)
“Stay Ready” (What A Life) by Jhene Aiko featuring Kendrick Lamar
Your proverbial gun led me to the Sun & my way out of the darkness It was…acceptance Grief. Every stage It seemed like, all…in one day
Give thanks. That contrast begets clarity Producing astonishing colours & never to be to duplicated art- These tears cleansing this cycle of insanity
Offering more love &, offering more of…broken trust Thrown back to me Adorned on a golden, Venusian platter I will always choose love…over the latter I choose my peace, over this natural disaster Protection and self preservation And. I can’t heal a wound, whilst allowing it to be constantly re-injured.
Saturn. Pisces. Retrograde, natal.
And if your goals include healing, growth, &/or moving on from things, people, substances, escapism. . .etc that don’t fuel your best, nor well-interest, higher good or well-being…
You know what it is. Nouns: person, place or tings.
Release what is no longer yours to carry & never forget that Your journey is personal. And healing is linear.
Love & above ☝🏾 ✨
Oh. Here is an article on Saturn in Pisces by Chani Nicholas (also where the post image is from). She’s one of the professional astrologers that I follow on a couple socials:
I sit here in bed. On this overcast ass Saturday morning. Broke my “no socials before 10am” boundary & hopped on twitter.
There was this video. I’ll post the video at the end of this. But watching it reminded me of a story that my mum tells people (not like a brag-well, maybe, low key? 🥴) whenever fellow like minded Bahamians get together and speak on how they disciplined…aka beat the shit outta their children in order to “teach them a lesson.”
As I recite this anecdote word for word, I’ll tell you after what my mum (Taurus sun) taught me.
Ok so. I’m about 3-4 years old. We are all in my great uncles infamous church in Eight Mile Rock.
I’m 3. I’m restless. & I start to get fidgety. So. My mum does her best to contain me in my seat and in the midst of her attempting to do so-my 3 year old brain thinks that yes, finally some fun. We are playing. This is a game. & I start playing and end up smacking her face in the midst of what I thought was playtime.
She. The somewhat public figure. She, a Taurus woman with so much pride and image to maintain, takes my 3 year old slap, as a personal slight and attack against her. & “in front of all these people.” As her pressure rises (her words) she grabs me, pulls me out of the church and takes me outside and “wails on me”
Again, her words. I remember the last time this conversation came up, she was talking to some other family members about disciplining children. They, of course (products of thier own environment/upbringing) chuckled and agreed that was the best course of action…for a child. Doing what children do: playing.
Gyalll lemme tell you. I put sum on her behind. I beat the shit outta her.
-my Mum telling people about the ass whoopin she gave me, outside of church.
Now. Please don’t misconstrue or attempt to make it into anything other/more than what I am saying. It was never to the point of me having broken bones, dislocated anything, no fists (a slipper or switch worked for her, lol) no blood, no injuries none of that. I don’t want to ever portray something that never was. I was never a punching bag. Perhaps…maybe a scapegoat for misplaced/misdirected anger at times. but it wasn’t all the time/frequent (bc I’m a fast learner and learned VERY early not to fuck with this woman-I knew the consequences) so it wasn’t an every day or even every week thing. Nah.
But. When it did happen…it was always world shattering to me. Because. That’s where I learned that I could never feel safe, or trust the ONE person in the world, that I wanted and needed that from.
And kids need safety. They need to feel like their parents and primary caregivers will protect them, not the opposite.
So. After Alllllll these years, I still don’t feel safe with her. I’m talking emotionally and psychologically (this phenomenal woman also has an undergrad in Psychology 💀)
But. I never trust her with my feelings or my self. Because. That’s what I was shown. That’s what I learned.
My trust issues…began early.
Here is the video that moved me to write this:
And next, here is the video and song from the artist, Prayers Aka, Leafar Seyer “Trust Issues”
It’s good to be able to say the words and articulate the things that I couldn’t growing up. To, as an adult, realize, understand and accept that…no one deserves “discipline” in the form of violence. & also, that some people that we love/love us the most…have harmed us the most. &. Completely unintentionally. What they grew up learning as discipline…was all that they knew. I’m grateful to be able to accept that. Was it right? Absolutely not. But, it was their way. I’m also grateful to know better, so I can be and do better (big up to Ancestor Angelou) and share this with mine and future generations. There are healthier ways. Give thanks.
I hate sounding cliché. & this is probably gonna sound cliché as hell, but 2023 is definitely a year of change. Good change. Well…I guess all change is good. Idk if I can speak for that for every single case/person, but the good change? Yeah that’s that shit I’m on.
Ok but Wtf does this have to do with the dead?
Because there are a couple people in my life, with all love- I choose not to resuscitate the connections.
Excavating the same grave
& expecting new life
When only toxicity is resurrected every time…
with her was…bird food.
& because of my very strong like, allowed myself to be breadcrumbed
After Mercury. & After Mars. They both retrograde right now. & it was by the grace of the twitter gods that reminded me of this astrological occurrence with those 2 planets.
Still. I hopped on WhatsApp and began typing a message to my mum. Some of the realest shit I ever wrote.
I have some things I need to get off of my chest. Release this negative energy and this pressure in my heart. Because holding things in, makes ppl explode. And it’s counterproductive to any type of growth.
Why do you volunteer information that no one asked you for?
It seems like whenever (especially) you are feeling some type of way about me, you always do that. Say something to try and embarrass me or put me down in some way, in front of others.
Why do you do that? It’s so toxic and unnecessary. And just, the actions of someone who doesn’t like or actually hates the other person. That’s how you make me feel. Please stop doing this. It’s embarrassing for the both of us esp when it’s front of people.
Tonight…tonight I am accepting FINALLY that some generational curses, maybe just can’t be broken. Because the toxic bonds/relationships and the horrible ways we handle, treat & mistreat one another…being BLOOD related…Has got to be a curse. With the exception of aunt L and her children, we are cursed with toxicity with the women and their children.
The proof is all there. & I can’t change anything and want to do better and be better, for the both of us. To not want to have a bad relationship with my mother like Y & AV. C and AV. All of you sisters. Once you all get angry you completely cut each other off and move on. That’s so unhealthy and so toxic.
No one apologizes. No one is accountable. We just have attitudes and stop speaking to each other. Where is the love???? Where is the compassion and understanding that we have for everyone else, but each other?
Doing the same thing, being the same harmful, mean, hurtful person…and expecting different results, is called insanity.
I feel like a stranger compared to the way you treat other people. Like you prefer everyone else on the planet as your child or adopted child, over me. This is how I feel. & it breaks my heart. This ya how I’ve felt for as long as I can remember.
I don’t want to live a stressful uncomfortable life. & Nobody wants to walk on eggshells as you put it. Or be in negative ass energy. I feel like emotionally and psychologically, I’m regressing here.
In this life I’ve learned that some people…just do better loving each other, from a distance.
It’s a hard pill to swallow when it’s a personal truth, but I have to acknowledge and accept that this path and the way we are with each other when things go left, is not healthy. It’s not good. & this is why I’ve made the decision to detach from this toxicity.
You know, this could absolutely pms related, but I really shouldn’t be crying this much at the end of DMZ.
I don’t often talk about this or bring this up with anyone (my therapist says this is something I need to work on-she might be right 🤷🏾♂️).
Fuck, there’s so many things going through my head. Why. Why now? I was just fucking good. Not even on that vibe & this limited series really just fucking triggered me. & placed me back into the position of fetal (not literally, but, you get it).
Thinking about Mothers.
Mums and Motherhood. & the (usually?) strong bond mother and child forms.
& yeah. No I never really had that. I watch, or observe, rather, these relationship dynamic between Mum and daughter, Mum and child…& I wish I fucking had that.
To have felt 100% safe. Secure. Loved and cared for outside of “I am responsible for you, that don’t mean I gotta like you.”
Yo. I remember when that clip from the film 🎞 Fences was circulating and my Mum sent it to me.
And that was her way of saying that’s what she needed to be for me. Not to like me, not to form a closeness or friendship with me…that wasn’t part of it for her.
An emotional wound. Still fucking there. No matter how much I ignore or compartmentalize…focus on every other thing, every other aspect of my life..& I watch this series and it’s such a reminder. One that I don’t care to remember.
Providing for is not the same as emotional care or emotional intimacy.
And based on her accounts of childhood and her relationship with my grandmother; her own mother wounds have manifested into ours.
Generational trauma looks like a lot of things…
& I often times wondered if I attracted women who are emotionally unavailable, because that is what I was shown.
It’s a duty. Not a feeling. & having a child is a responsibility that you have to take care of, and as long as the other needs of the child are taken care of, the emotional ones don’t matter. You take care of your family. You do what you gotta do. But.
I assure you. I guarantee you. As someone speaking from experience…your children need more than that. Financial security and stability is one piece of the puzzle & an absolute blessing. But. The biggest piece that matters the most..to me, to this day, is love. It’s care and concern and feeling like the one person you love the most, you can trust with your feelings. With your heart.
I experienced heartache at a very young age.
Abandonment from 1 parent who was addicted to drugs and I had to be separated from via divorce (my Mum is Taurus she wasn’t having that shit) & emotional abandonment and neglect from the other parent who honestly never wanted to be a parent in the first place, & had to pick up the responsibilities of both & try to navigate life from there. I can honestly say that knowing all that I know now: she did her best.
After she divorced him it left her very stressed, overwhelmed and overworked…and under prepared to give to a child..something she herself never received from her own Mum.
This is not a love story. It’s certainly not one with the intention of bashing a woman who sacrificed everything so that I would have things. & things are nice. But, as I find even at this age: things…isn’t love.
Things can’t comfort you. Be there to support you and be a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on.
& honestly Idk if that pain ever goes away. I mean. I’ve dealt with life, as it came, on my own emotionally for many years. Since I was a teenager. So You would think I’d have the shit under control by now 🙄
Well. This is a reminder that need to set up a session with my therapist.
& Aries season…a reminder of Fire. & how we gotta face the fire; our innermost fears, things that break our hearts the most and sometimes things need to be burned down to be rebuilt again.
Also a reminder to let go of any connection that doesn’t give to me, as I give to them. Because of the way I came up as an adolescent and into adulthood…I saw through myself and through others how lonely, hard and hurtful it can be going through life having to figure shit out all on your own. And I would never want anyone to have to go through life not feeling supported or emotionally cared for or regarded. I will give and share any and everything fucking thing I possess if someone I love needs it, but I also need that to be reciprocated. That’s the thing. These unhealthy relationship dynamics teach us that we aren’t enough. & damn You know what…I would have my Chiron in Aries ♈️ you really can’t make this astrology shit up, lol.
I acknowledge that I’ve had enough of emotional deficit in my life…. so I’m receiving the ones who intentionally, genuinely and loving pour into me. Who check in on me. Who show up for me. Who congratulate me when I win. Who comfort me when I’m sad or not feeling my best. & remind me that I am worthy of love. Because I deserve it.
I truly envy folks that are close with their parents in that way. & if you don’t/didn’t have that, I just wanna remind you that no mattter what: you are worthy of love, care, concern, emotional safety, etc.
And even though you didn’t grow up choosing you bc you felt like you had so much to do & had to earn the affection or attention from your primary caregiver…I’m telling you it’s safe to do so. The scars and the wounds might not ever heal. I’m just gonna be real. But that doesn’t mean that the relationships that we form now, have to mirror that experience.
You are worthy. Just as you are. And I hope you choose people who also choose you. And show up for you in the ways you need.
Man, my back could be against every wall, but a hug and loving embrace (even if no words are exchanged) can make all the difference. A text or a conversation, shit even a song (if you know me, I LOVE music), funny memes. Bro. Showing is up is showing up. & I’m very grateful for all of my life and love teachers who have in the past and who now remind me of my worthiness. Who tell me how much they love and appreciate me. Cuz that shit really makes a difference and matters to people like me.
So yeah go watch DMZ on HBOMax, it’s really good, lol