The ruin..of many a poor Boi

Queer

& God

I know I’m one

-The House of the Rising Sun

I’m talking bout Karmic relationships, karmic ties, soulmates, etc. Yeah. All dem, lolol

Has been the…well I wouldn’t say my ruin, but the stress, the drama 🎭 and extra shit that’ll have you like:

The heartache and heartbreak; which is, tbh, sometimes self inflicted when we exaggerate someone’s presence and their place in our lives- yeah, been there, not doing that again.

Or, when we make these temporary lessons in passing…our forever person.

Your everything was sposed to simply be the thing that reminded you not to follow the same path or patterns.

We, drawn to our karmic past lifetimes like a magnet, attract these folx and get into romantic relationships with them, when they was sposed to just be the lesson, or a even a reminder, personified.

We really should’ve just kept it cool, kept it cute & kept it pushin- & not have romantic or sexual (did you know there’s something called sexual soulmates? Thought that was cool) ties to them this go round.

Merry. And Mary.

Twin Flame/Karmic Lover/Ex Forecast: Circles and cloudy.

A time. Once again, Mercury rx is almost fully upon us. Ask for clarity. & discernment, bby.

Roy, Mary, Airy

Queer

Life is amazing. I mean, of course it’s not perfect.

I have my very human moments of overthinking, anxiety…have you seen (been living in) the state of the world? Depression. Relationships with people you love dearly that need adjustment, or disengagement. & learning (doing your best 😬) to give yourself the same grace and compassion you extend to others. & simply navigating life and the world as a queer Black person.

I mean…

yeah.

Life be Lifeing.

But, the Sun always shines again…even if it ain’t tomorrow.

Some shit ain curable in a day let’s bffr.

But.

However…it does eventually.

And what a refreshing feeling.

It’s like…taking Lessons in Breathing*

Until it once again becomes automatic

Natural.

Beautiful.

Abundant Life all around you.

And.

Love ALL around you-

no longer sustaining oneself from a single source

that wasn’t you.

You appreciate the beautiful blues and remember that they are the same hues

As a tropical sky

Beauty:

Is

Within the eye

👁

Of the beholder.

What you believe

What you perceive

Your thoughts and thinking becoming things

Beloved…

Remember the sunshine. Do your best.

*shout out to the amazing Slam Poet Theresa Davis & her life-changing poem (She brought tears to my eyes during several different performances of this poem back in Atlanta)

“Breathing Lessons”

Flipp Dinero (LMAA)

Queer

& That Natalie Imbruglia wybe: Just leave me alone

Yo.

No matter how many times I say it: “Come correct, or don’t come at all,”motherfuckers steady coming, lol.

If you can’t, if you are unable to give me the love that I need in this particular type of relationship dynamic, leave me tf alone.

I am graciously accepting and loving this life of peace & blessings that I have cultivated for myself so I would rather not allow half assed love/half ass attempts and especially not breadcrumbing. That shit is for birds.

I am no ones “option.” I am a priority; just as I would make the person in my life a priority.

So…I’ma say it again. Come correct or don’t come tf at all because it will not turn out well if you step into this sanctuary, with dirty feet.

& attempt to receive this abundant, beautiful, bountiful, healthy ass love from me-whilst not even being able to meet me halfway?

Half steppin just won’t work. & the way my 7th house is set up with those planets…We can make love or make war, it’s your choice. But I promise, I won’t be the mad one. & no one’s bullshit ass crumbs will steal my joy or disrupt my life. Them days over, bby. My peace is paramount & I will protect it.

Stay Ready ||2.18|| What a Life ✨

Queer

Usually…well, I don’t think I made a post last year But I would post something about my B’EarthDay on my IG feed…but this year? Ine into dat. I just…am realizing that I’m not much of a fan of having my personal life up for public consumption. Been posting less and less personal stuff on the socials for a while now. I’m accepting that this is the most comfortable and balanced I feel. So yeah no

But I will post here. No personal images or videos…but, gratitude. Which is enough for me. My cup runneth over ✨

I treat myself (I do my best-some days not so much) and am treated wonderfully by the Universe, my fam and dearest loves/loved ones.

Every day.

& In the ways that I show up for myself. The foods I intentionally consume and those that I stay away from. The intentional ways that I practice body movement, breathing exercises, take the time to meditate and incorporate healthier ways of being. Sticking to my morning routines. The ways that I speak to myself (the intrusive thoughts, too cuz I can overthink like a mf sometimes) but. Also what I allow and no longer allow. Having and sticking with my healthy boundaries. The life that I have cultivated that is inundated with peace. Abundance. & love. I am so much more aware of and grateful for my life and life in general.

I am extended thee most beautiful and divine love; stemming from my closest humans, to acquaintances and strangers alike.

I am grateful for every human that crosses my path. Whether it be for a reason, season &/or a lifetime…all tings align.

But yeah man..I’m just gonna continue on this path and gracefully and humbly accept all this beautiful ass love and life that I get to experience. It’s a blessing every day above ground.

Granted, some days that’s a lil hard to remember…because: being human. & Shit sucks sometimes…like shit 😂 but man. This ride has been wild af, like bat shit wild some of the things I’ve seen/lived/experienced…what a life. From ATL to the Bay. & errywhere in between…

I’ve had my share of setbacks, setups (ill-intentioned people, envious/jealous people will teach you A Lot of priceless gems and teach you how to better navigate life cuz it’s a lot of them mf’s in it) heartache and heartbreak…& I wouldn’t change that shit for anything. All it did was gift me with experience, lessons, wisdom, shadow work, discernment, a therapist! 😂😂 and the list continues with a whole lot of beautiful ass blessings along the way.

It led me here . To me. As I am now. I’m grateful af. Cuz it and I am only getting better and better. Refinement. More life 🥂 Give thanks ✨

Prayers. Nature. Nurture.

Queer

I sit here in bed. On this overcast ass Saturday morning. Broke my “no socials before 10am” boundary & hopped on twitter.

There was this video. I’ll post the video at the end of this. But watching it reminded me of a story that my mum tells people (not like a brag-well, maybe, low key? 🥴) whenever fellow like minded Bahamians get together and speak on how they disciplined…aka beat the shit outta their children in order to “teach them a lesson.”

As I recite this anecdote word for word, I’ll tell you after what my mum (Taurus sun) taught me.

Ok so. I’m about 3-4 years old. We are all in my great uncles infamous church in Eight Mile Rock.

I’m 3. I’m restless. & I start to get fidgety. So. My mum does her best to contain me in my seat and in the midst of her attempting to do so-my 3 year old brain thinks that yes, finally some fun. We are playing. This is a game. & I start playing and end up smacking her face in the midst of what I thought was playtime.

She. The somewhat public figure. She, a Taurus woman with so much pride and image to maintain, takes my 3 year old slap, as a personal slight and attack against her. & “in front of all these people.” As her pressure rises (her words) she grabs me, pulls me out of the church and takes me outside and “wails on me”

Again, her words. I remember the last time this conversation came up, she was talking to some other family members about disciplining children. They, of course (products of thier own environment/upbringing) chuckled and agreed that was the best course of action…for a child. Doing what children do: playing.

Gyalll lemme tell you. I put sum on her behind. I beat the shit outta her.

-my Mum telling people about the ass whoopin she gave me, outside of church.

Now. Please don’t misconstrue or attempt to make it into anything other/more than what I am saying. It was never to the point of me having broken bones, dislocated anything, no fists (a slipper or switch worked for her, lol) no blood, no injuries none of that. I don’t want to ever portray something that never was. I was never a punching bag. Perhaps…maybe a scapegoat for misplaced/misdirected anger at times. but it wasn’t all the time/frequent (bc I’m a fast learner and learned VERY early not to fuck with this woman-I knew the consequences) so it wasn’t an every day or even every week thing. Nah.

But. When it did happen…it was always world shattering to me. Because. That’s where I learned that I could never feel safe, or trust the ONE person in the world, that I wanted and needed that from.

And kids need safety. They need to feel like their parents and primary caregivers will protect them, not the opposite.

So. After Alllllll these years, I still don’t feel safe with her. I’m talking emotionally and psychologically (this phenomenal woman also has an undergrad in Psychology 💀)

But. I never trust her with my feelings or my self. Because. That’s what I was shown. That’s what I learned.

My trust issues…began early.

give thanks

Here is the video that moved me to write this:

And next, here is the video and song from the artist, Prayers Aka, Leafar Seyer “Trust Issues”

It’s good to be able to say the words and articulate the things that I couldn’t growing up. To, as an adult, realize, understand and accept that…no one deserves “discipline” in the form of violence. & also, that some people that we love/love us the most…have harmed us the most. &. Completely unintentionally. What they grew up learning as discipline…was all that they knew. I’m grateful to be able to accept that. Was it right? Absolutely not. But, it was their way. I’m also grateful to know better, so I can be and do better (big up to Ancestor Angelou) and share this with mine and future generations. There are healthier ways. Give thanks.

Don’t Wake The Dead x Salt Life

Queer

I hate sounding cliché. & this is probably gonna sound cliché as hell, but 2023 is definitely a year of change. Good change. Well…I guess all change is good. Idk if I can speak for that for every single case/person, but the good change? Yeah that’s that shit I’m on.

Ok but Wtf does this have to do with the dead?

Every-fucking-thing.

Because there are a couple people in my life, with all love- I choose not to resuscitate the connections.

Excavating the same grave

& expecting new life

When only toxicity is resurrected every time…

Connection 2:

2022

with her was…bird food.

& because of my very strong like, allowed myself to be breadcrumbed

Succumbed

To lust

& pretty potential

When in actuality

reality: this toy was shiny

But still a gun.

Capable of

An inescapable fog and inexplicable buzz

But.

Love

And Saturn returning me to center.

Shadow work and

Two names on parchment and

Let it burn 🔥

What is dead, is no longer

That’s what the fuck I call higher learning.

2Pacalypse & DMZ

Queer

You know, this could absolutely pms related, but I really shouldn’t be crying this much at the end of DMZ.

It’s…hmmm.

I don’t often talk about this or bring this up with anyone (my therapist says this is something I need to work on-she might be right 🤷🏾‍♂️).

Fuck, there’s so many things going through my head. Why. Why now? I was just fucking good. Not even on that vibe & this limited series really just fucking triggered me. & placed me back into the position of fetal (not literally, but, you get it).

Thinking about Mothers.

Mums and Motherhood. & the (usually?) strong bond mother and child forms.

& yeah. No I never really had that. I watch, or observe, rather, these relationship dynamic between Mum and daughter, Mum and child…& I wish I fucking had that.

To have felt 100% safe. Secure. Loved and cared for outside of “I am responsible for you, that don’t mean I gotta like you.”

Yo. I remember when that clip from the film 🎞 Fences was circulating and my Mum sent it to me.

And that was her way of saying that’s what she needed to be for me. Not to like me, not to form a closeness or friendship with me…that wasn’t part of it for her.

An emotional wound. Still fucking there. No matter how much I ignore or compartmentalize…focus on every other thing, every other aspect of my life..& I watch this series and it’s such a reminder. One that I don’t care to remember.

Providing for is not the same as emotional care or emotional intimacy.

And based on her accounts of childhood and her relationship with my grandmother; her own mother wounds have manifested into ours.

Generational trauma looks like a lot of things…

& I often times wondered if I attracted women who are emotionally unavailable, because that is what I was shown.

It’s a duty. Not a feeling. & having a child is a responsibility that you have to take care of, and as long as the other needs of the child are taken care of, the emotional ones don’t matter. You take care of your family. You do what you gotta do. But.

I assure you. I guarantee you. As someone speaking from experience…your children need more than that. Financial security and stability is one piece of the puzzle & an absolute blessing. But. The biggest piece that matters the most..to me, to this day, is love. It’s care and concern and feeling like the one person you love the most, you can trust with your feelings. With your heart.

I experienced heartache at a very young age.

Abandonment from 1 parent who was addicted to drugs and I had to be separated from via divorce (my Mum is Taurus she wasn’t having that shit) & emotional abandonment and neglect from the other parent who honestly never wanted to be a parent in the first place, & had to pick up the responsibilities of both & try to navigate life from there. I can honestly say that knowing all that I know now: she did her best.

After she divorced him it left her very stressed, overwhelmed and overworked…and under prepared to give to a child..something she herself never received from her own Mum.

This is not a love story. It’s certainly not one with the intention of bashing a woman who sacrificed everything so that I would have things. & things are nice. But, as I find even at this age: things…isn’t love.

Things can’t comfort you. Be there to support you and be a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on.

& honestly Idk if that pain ever goes away. I mean. I’ve dealt with life, as it came, on my own emotionally for many years. Since I was a teenager. So You would think I’d have the shit under control by now 🙄

Well. This is a reminder that need to set up a session with my therapist.

& Aries season…a reminder of Fire. & how we gotta face the fire; our innermost fears, things that break our hearts the most and sometimes things need to be burned down to be rebuilt again.

Also a reminder to let go of any connection that doesn’t give to me, as I give to them. Because of the way I came up as an adolescent and into adulthood…I saw through myself and through others how lonely, hard and hurtful it can be going through life having to figure shit out all on your own. And I would never want anyone to have to go through life not feeling supported or emotionally cared for or regarded. I will give and share any and everything fucking thing I possess if someone I love needs it, but I also need that to be reciprocated. That’s the thing. These unhealthy relationship dynamics teach us that we aren’t enough. & damn You know what…I would have my Chiron in Aries ♈️ you really can’t make this astrology shit up, lol.

I acknowledge that I’ve had enough of emotional deficit in my life…. so I’m receiving the ones who intentionally, genuinely and loving pour into me. Who check in on me. Who show up for me. Who congratulate me when I win. Who comfort me when I’m sad or not feeling my best. & remind me that I am worthy of love. Because I deserve it.

I truly envy folks that are close with their parents in that way. & if you don’t/didn’t have that, I just wanna remind you that no mattter what: you are worthy of love, care, concern, emotional safety, etc.

And even though you didn’t grow up choosing you bc you felt like you had so much to do & had to earn the affection or attention from your primary caregiver…I’m telling you it’s safe to do so. The scars and the wounds might not ever heal. I’m just gonna be real. But that doesn’t mean that the relationships that we form now, have to mirror that experience.

You are worthy. Just as you are. And I hope you choose people who also choose you. And show up for you in the ways you need.

Man, my back could be against every wall, but a hug and loving embrace (even if no words are exchanged) can make all the difference. A text or a conversation, shit even a song (if you know me, I LOVE music), funny memes. Bro. Showing is up is showing up. & I’m very grateful for all of my life and love teachers who have in the past and who now remind me of my worthiness. Who tell me how much they love and appreciate me. Cuz that shit really makes a difference and matters to people like me.

So yeah go watch DMZ on HBOMax, it’s really good, lol

Oh and here’s some Pac