I hate sounding cliché. & this is probably gonna sound cliché as hell, but 2023 is definitely a year of change. Good change. Well…I guess all change is good. Idk if I can speak for that for every single case/person, but the good change? Yeah that’s that shit I’m on.
Ok but Wtf does this have to do with the dead?
Because there are a couple people in my life, with all love- I choose not to resuscitate the connections.
Excavating the same grave
& expecting new life
When only toxicity is resurrected every time…
with her was…bird food.
& because of my very strong like, allowed myself to be breadcrumbed
You know, this could absolutely pms related, but I really shouldn’t be crying this much at the end of DMZ.
I don’t often talk about this or bring this up with anyone (my therapist says this is something I need to work on-she might be right 🤷🏾♂️).
Fuck, there’s so many things going through my head. Why. Why now? I was just fucking good. Not even on that vibe & this limited series really just fucking triggered me. & placed me back into the position of fetal (not literally, but, you get it).
Thinking about Mothers.
Mums and Motherhood. & the (usually?) strong bond mother and child forms.
& yeah. No I never really had that. I watch, or observe, rather, these relationship dynamic between Mum and daughter, Mum and child…& I wish I fucking had that.
To have felt 100% safe. Secure. Loved and cared for outside of “I am responsible for you, that don’t mean I gotta like you.”
Yo. I remember when that clip from the film 🎞 Fences was circulating and my Mum sent it to me.
And that was her way of saying that’s what she needed to be for me. Not to like me, not to form a closeness or friendship with me…that wasn’t part of it for her.
An emotional wound. Still fucking there. No matter how much I ignore or compartmentalize…focus on every other thing, every other aspect of my life..& I watch this series and it’s such a reminder. One that I don’t care to remember.
Providing for is not the same as emotional care or emotional intimacy.
And based on her accounts of childhood and her relationship with my grandmother; her own mother wounds have manifested into ours.
Generational trauma looks like a lot of things…
& I often times wondered if I attracted women who are emotionally unavailable, because that is what I was shown.
It’s a duty. Not a feeling. & having a child is a responsibility that you have to take care of, and as long as the other needs of the child are taken care of, the emotional ones don’t matter. You take care of your family. You do what you gotta do. But.
I assure you. I guarantee you. As someone speaking from experience…your children need more than that. Financial security and stability is one piece of the puzzle & an absolute blessing. But. The biggest piece that matters the most..to me, to this day, is love. It’s care and concern and feeling like the one person you love the most, you can trust with your feelings. With your heart.
I experienced heartache at a very young age.
Abandonment from 1 parent who was addicted to drugs and I had to be separated from via divorce (my Mum is Taurus she wasn’t having that shit) & emotional abandonment and neglect from the other parent who honestly never wanted to be a parent in the first place, & had to pick up the responsibilities of both & try to navigate life from there. I can honestly say that knowing all that I know now: she did her best.
After she divorced him it left her very stressed, overwhelmed and overworked…and under prepared to give to a child..something she herself never received from her own Mum.
This is not a love story. It’s certainly not one with the intention of bashing a woman who sacrificed everything so that I would have things. & things are nice. But, as I find even at this age: things…isn’t love.
Things can’t comfort you. Be there to support you and be a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on.
& honestly Idk if that pain ever goes away. I mean. I’ve dealt with life, as it came, on my own emotionally for many years. Since I was a teenager. So You would think I’d have the shit under control by now 🙄
Well. This is a reminder that need to set up a session with my therapist.
& Aries season…a reminder of Fire. & how we gotta face the fire; our innermost fears, things that break our hearts the most and sometimes things need to be burned down to be rebuilt again.
Also a reminder to let go of any connection that doesn’t give to me, as I give to them. Because of the way I came up as an adolescent and into adulthood…I saw through myself and through others how lonely, hard and hurtful it can be going through life having to figure shit out all on your own. And I would never want anyone to have to go through life not feeling supported or emotionally cared for or regarded. I will give and share any and everything fucking thing I possess if someone I love needs it, but I also need that to be reciprocated. That’s the thing. These unhealthy relationship dynamics teach us that we aren’t enough. & damn You know what…I would have my Chiron in Aries ♈️ you really can’t make this astrology shit up, lol.
I acknowledge that I’ve had enough of emotional deficit in my life…. so I’m receiving the ones who intentionally, genuinely and loving pour into me. Who check in on me. Who show up for me. Who congratulate me when I win. Who comfort me when I’m sad or not feeling my best. & remind me that I am worthy of love. Because I deserve it.
I truly envy folks that are close with their parents in that way. & if you don’t/didn’t have that, I just wanna remind you that no mattter what: you are worthy of love, care, concern, emotional safety, etc.
And even though you didn’t grow up choosing you bc you felt like you had so much to do & had to earn the affection or attention from your primary caregiver…I’m telling you it’s safe to do so. The scars and the wounds might not ever heal. I’m just gonna be real. But that doesn’t mean that the relationships that we form now, have to mirror that experience.
You are worthy. Just as you are. And I hope you choose people who also choose you. And show up for you in the ways you need.
Man, my back could be against every wall, but a hug and loving embrace (even if no words are exchanged) can make all the difference. A text or a conversation, shit even a song (if you know me, I LOVE music), funny memes. Bro. Showing is up is showing up. & I’m very grateful for all of my life and love teachers who have in the past and who now remind me of my worthiness. Who tell me how much they love and appreciate me. Cuz that shit really makes a difference and matters to people like me.
So yeah go watch DMZ on HBOMax, it’s really good, lol