And always, home is where my heart is-beating faithfully within my chest.
š e
home is always with/within me.
first and foremost.
A reminder. A celebrationā¦
Mercury & Mars are direct.
& I had to recollect
the story of me
Of myā¦divinity
The fact that I am loved. & adored infinitelyā¦simplyā¦
because I exist.
Give thanks.
There was a time when I would have used those iconic lyrics (sung by Angie Stone) signifying my immediate sentiments, after a relationship separation.
But, alas. At this particular time and placeā¦space in my growth; I wish you the same as I intend for me: Peace. & so much love.
For me. That includes being far, far away from you. Like I said, peace.
Iāve walked within these firestormsā¦the norm. For so long. Today and always, I step out & away from humansā¦that arenāt safe. & emotionally reckless, negligent &/or irresponsible.
I love you. I have learned. For my own protection.
and self preservation (mentally, emotionally, psychologically)
That like you
when it comes to meā¦
I donāt like you.
The generational curse is strong in this one.
-Dear Mama
Ironically enough..My mum sent me the same clip as the gif I used as the feature image on this post (she sent the extra long clip from Fences, starring Denzel some years back. This was not a teachable moment for her. It was more of an affirming one. Matter of fact, she used that clip to REMIND me that being available emotionally, nurturing, kind, etc. was not here role as a parent. It was to provide.
She never ceases to remind me in some way that A) she never wanted kids.
And B) itās always been more toleration than genuinely wanting to be a parent.
C)It fucking sucks to be on the receiving end of this your whole life.
Day 3. 2023. Maybe one day Iāll stop taking the shit personally. Or, maybe I wonāt and this wound will forever be mine to experience. Idk.
In 2004, this amazing film, Closer, was released. That shit changed my life. It certainly changed the way that I looked at adult relationships and fidelity. Fucked my lil idealistic head up, if Iām being honest. Because the truth of all this;
Being human: you gon fuck up.
Might not be adultery, but being imperfect, we not always gonna get the shit right. But. Itās also how we handle things. & how the other person handles things. Because with some shit, thereās no going backwards. For me anyway. When it comes to trust and being honest with intentions, I hold that shit in high regard.
Funnies shit about that though? Just bc you hold it in high regard, doesnāt mean that the other person does. Well. Whatever the case. Broken trust, is hard pill to swallow. & falling in love (or lust) with other people absolutely can and does happen. Itās how you handle the shit as it comes up (& openly communicate about it) that can save ya some time, energy &/or heartbreak. All in all, I didnāt want to go into a new year without creating/posting content from Closer. & remix it with a lil twitter.
Iām not Rihanna I do not love the way you lie. I will block you.
Being/feeling not grounded, sucks. You notice the imbalance easier once you start living intentionally, authentically & paying tf attention.
I tried to pay attention but attention paid me.
-she will
& for that to happen (for me) I have to cut out the noise & the distractions. The demands of the outside world that holds your peaceā¦hostage.
Until youā¦
sick of making plea deals for your own sanity
Get a gripā¦
on reality
Unplug from thisā¦
status:connected (but very disconnected) fantasy
& get back to nature. Which is also meaning to get back to the root: get back to you.
It gets easier once you start to strip away layers of agreements that were made-with and without your consent.
The peaceā¦of saying ānoā is unmatched. & not in a mean, stingy way of beingā¦nah. In a selfish way of being. Yeah, selfish. If that means taking care of self, Iām for it. Not harmful to others or cruel. No.
Caring for othersā¦comes secondary to caring for you.
You are the root.
Water. You need water.
I used that line from 1 of my fave shows, P-Valley. If you follow any of my other socials (Twitter, Instagram) then you know how much I absolutely love this show.
Ok. So why tf is that line the title of this post?
Because I felt like it. & I felt like it because the moments that I experienced leading up to even thinking of that line, had me feeling like Murda when Keyshawn showed him the WSHH feature with them. That energy. That Soul Glo āØ cuz you now in the process of mining ā your own diamondsā¦& once you realizeā¦that you are also the Diamond š game fucking changer.
What a time. What a life, Jhene Aiko. Seeing your shit come to fruition-in the divinely timed order itās sposed to āØ
The feeling of having pride in your work and what the fuck you put out into the world. & also tremendous gratitude for what was, whatās happening rn and for allllll the beautiful, magical, wonderful experiences coming.
Give thanks. Gratitude for the doors and windows šŖ thatās opening for me-& the right ones at that. The ones that feel good. That feel at ease. That feel joyful. Thatās for my highest good & the highest good if all involved. Them joints that feel right & aligned āØ give thanks.
I am so pleased, so grateful and sooo excited to be sharing this Podcast & more of myself with you.
As you will hear in the Podcast, I am a 12H sun. With Jupiter in my 8Hā¦Capricorn Mercury and Venusā¦ine into foolishness.
This 12H energy has me in the cut working on self in several ways, which Iām not mad about at all. & sometimes, I am beckoned to āshow my faceā & in this case, share my voice.
So. Here I Am.
& I am absolutely delighted to be able to share some of my innermost thoughts & feels regarding dating and mating with Astrology-& how you relate to your own birth chart.
Big up and Big love to all of the professional astrologers that have guided me these last few years and really helped a bih understand more and grow.
I am ever grateful for every opportunity and every gift. & this Podcast was certainly that.
Big love always to my beloved colleague, fellow author, writer, bad ass Scorpio witch and friend, Kat.
Give thanks for our queer family tree thatās been growin from AOL online/chat room times (yeah we old-ish) lol. Iām hella grateful for such a wonderful opportunity. That shit was hella fun.
Tender boys who grew up wit they Grammy
And all her cats
Left to sit back
Cuz when he walk, he got a switch back
That earned him tenure at her house
Jason,
Sweet as pie and quiet as a mouse
Played in the yard, barely left the house
Boys like him was hushed at an early age
At the early stage
When da men dem peep his ways
His true self died at an early age
Like his body did, from AIDS
If I could take a turn back of the page
I would hug him so tight
Let him know that itās alright
To love and to like...who you like
To be who you be
As softly
As you would like to walk these island streets
Bey I wish I was older when we did meet
I just remember the smile
The smile that showed me early, it was ok to be the Sun
even if some folks prefer shadeā¦
Jason,
I remember you.
I honor you.
I love you.
My first known queer Ancestor
I remember āØš
~Syn
Someone asked me the other day if I believe that free will is a thingā¦
One of the greatest things about being human, IMO, is free will. & choice. You are the decider of things. & I am grateful for the choice to opt out of relationships that arenāt healthy.
Itās really good to acknowledge this because just like with email subscriptions, you can unsubscribe from a relationship that is draining, too difficult, one-sided, unhealthy/toxic, etc. Or even ones that are stagnant, donāt move or excite you. & itās no hard feelings. No soft ones either, lol. Itās the indifference especially that is also a deciding factor.
Are we growing together? Individually?
Iām sitting up under the remnants of the Libra full moon. Contemplating. Full Moons are about release and letting go. So.
Feeling good. Peaceful. Grateful. Appreciating the way people show up and donāt show up.
& itās all personal- to them.
Seems like it has everything to do with you, right? But itās actually the other person. & their action or inaction is based on what they feel. What they got going on.
Man. I used to take that shit on. Iāmā¦no longer in the business of doing that. It doesnāt interest me any longer. & if Iāve learned anything on this post modern queer journey: itās to only do shit, participate in shit & give my energy to shit that lights me up. Feeling responsible for someone elseās feelings or lack there of, neither excites or lights me up, lol.
& I also changed my agreement.
& it feels fucking good. & tbh, along with this new growth-
Wait- holy fuck. Before I get into the featherā¦my manifestations have been coming in heavy lately. On some I create what I speak, abracadabra type shit and honestly? Iām here for it!
Something has shifted. & changedā¦me. And as a fixed sun, who tends to get fixated on the goddess of the season that Iām feeling (I say season bc it doesnāt happens all the time like that-that I consider & regard somebody in that way), itās a very nice feeling to be at peace. Likeā¦truly at peace. My elevation of happiness and peace is the proof (for my own experience) of what Iāve been speaking on for years:
So. To be..idk what to call it, but it feels like a waveā¦flowā¦of acceptance, acknowledgement and gratitude.
I have a tendency to say āeveryone is my teacherā and I honestly feel that way. This woman taught me so much; from my current dating style and love languages to healthy boundaries and communication (& ways I need to/am working on improving). I mean..think about it. The people that come into our lives are never a mistake. I could never say I regret our relationship. Well, I mean I could say that. But itās the subsequent growth for me, because of you, me & our dynamic.
Idc how long it lasted. It was valid, important and taught me some shit. & for that, for all my life and love teachers, I give thanks. The presence, the lessons and the blessings.
I found a white feather randomly in my bedroom. The internet āspirituality meaningā experts said this:
White feathers can seem like good luck, but it is less to do with luck and more to do with your vibration changing that is allowing better things to appear in your reality. In this way, white feathers are more a sign of ālaw of attractionā rather than random good luck.
If white feathers appear just as something positive has happened, it is a sign that you have shifted something on a deep level, such as a core belief system, that is allowing better things to come into your life.
Receiving white feathers from the flow of the universe is a sign that you have gone through many challenges and done the hard work to break through any limiting beliefs that have held you back. This is a period of time where you connecting and identifying with your core essence and higher self.
White feathers in this context bring a refreshed sense of hope and faith for the future and bring in the energy of gratitude and peace. You are entering into a season in your life that may be new to you, filled with gifts that the universe wants to send your way.
To see a white feather after a positive event happens means that this is a time where you should put energy and attention towards your personal and spiritual growth, so that you can continue to open up the layers that are ready to receive the gifts headed your way. You can only hold onto the capacity that your energetic container can hold, so this is a time to expand and strengthen that container.
Iām here for it.
I write these words on my solar return-Itās so important to honor your growth. & acknowledge your humanity-as you honor your divinity. Give thanks for all the lessons & blessings along the journey. Everything is necessary.
I love myself.
I love who I have been. all the mistakes and imperfections and repercussions along the way (Saturn co-rules Aquarius)
šŖ
All the blessings. The lessons. The humans Iāve been gifted with time, love & presence...
What a ride.
What a life.
Perfectly unfolding & expanding in ways that align with my souls highest calling.
I had to get clear.
& bare witness
To the sweetness and...the fuck shit.
Perpetuated by myself et al. that led to newer & greater understanding
Healthy boundaries & hella grounding
The steps & missteps that led me to being here.
Choices, decisions & moves
that werenāt always for my highest good
or that of others, tbh
that led me to healing & accountability
That led me...to expose me-
to me; my most difficult & willing critic.
Plutonian transformations
I could conjure several dissertations
And name them:
The Battle with the Shadow
Pierced By Your Own Arrow
Deaths of the False Faces
Rising in divinity, and falling from graces
To some Iāll always be the devil
To others, their forever angel
I can be both.
I have been āthe mostā
Esp when consorting with folx
whose love language is unaccountability
With nobility
Neptunian energy
I wasnāt able to see
Until I began my journey
with plant medicine
reflecting on my reflections
Respect for the spirits & elements
Shrooms in Big Sur...quite a fucking inception
Stopped looking/seeking outward and realized that I-was the only exception
Par Amour
& started to pour
Into self
before
Extending from a deficit
Intentions became clearer.
Pure,
Water bearer.
~2.18~
āļø
Another trip around the Sun.
All things align.
~Syn
Love is...
Recognizing and acknowledging what love isnāt.
& the way we do that is by opening ourselves and our hearts once again.
Kinda reminds me of that Dr. Maya Angelou quote:
Have enough courage to trust love one more time
Oh, & this gem:
Love is a condition so powerful; it may be that which pulls the stars in the firmament. It may be that which pushes and urges the blood in the veins. Courage: you have to have courage to love somebody because you risk everything ā everything.
Itās all a risk because some people and their intentions can be complete and utter shit.
But to achieve bliss, in this sense...itās always worth it. Because the more you open yourself up to it, the more you grow/better you get (hopefully)
ācause in love and growth begets clarity, discernment & healthier boundaries
You found me
(Only)
After I found myself
We attracted one another after we stopped telling and living outdated stories & left those books on the shelf.
So. Here we are. Here we go. So much to lose and heaven to gain. Scorpio season always reminds me of transmutation. & these darker seasons urging me to be patient while living in a matrix & the land of instant gratification.
Digression.
So, back to the lesson
& what I feel Iām being taught...
how to not
give up on love
& I had to stop
Assuming
& expecting perfection from imperfect humans
When most of us are just doing our best
From where we at
What we understand, perceive and know to be true
Our current level of consciousness is proof
Happily ever is an attainable endeavor
Never, weather permitting
Admitting that we belong to ourselves first and only
& not to continue to commit to lofty, idealistic ideas and standards of love-because weāre lonely
Love is not that
Happily ever after...about that
I learned that
Nobody is promised to you forever
So I vow to love you and be your partner as long as we both agree to
As long as itās healthy for the both of us
Not because time or history
The thing about love...itās a beautiful mystery
To be discovered
unraveled and learned over and over til the end of time
Til we get it ārightā
& feel like
Our whole & complete selves are not compromised
For the sake of union
I want you
And
All of what makes you, you.
& I promise to present the same to you
Vulnerable
Scars, healing, and truth
An ever evolving human and work in progress, to be continued
Queer, Gifted & Black 