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Future Hendrix

Queer

I had such a tremendous experience(s) this weekend. So much love. So much celebrating. So much quality time with people I don’t get to spend time with that often. It was simply beautiful.

& Also, TONS of work prepping for the ting. Being 1000% present & attentive during the ting.

After a successful, & I do mean full, day (week+ prep) celebrating the woman who helped anchor me to this world…I’m exhausted. Very grateful and very full (love, gratitude, community) and this morning I was prompted to slow tf down.

Please believe this was a v painful (thanks Saturn) reminder as I was carrying the bags of leftover 🗑 to the curb-think, cans, beer & wine bottles) I did some maneuver that was the wrong fucking way to maneuve 🤨 (move) apparently 😂 but that last bag sent me to my doctors office this morning.

& so, 1 steroid shot and a couple of prescriptions later, here I am.

Im actually writing in bed. Wondering if this shit gonna kick in to full gear or stall at 80%. Well. Grateful for everything that led me here, still. Cuz all that work and energy was absolutely worth it.

If being away from my family for 20+ years has taught me anything, it’s to cherish your fucking moments and especially, your people. So. I will never regret showing up and showing tf out, for my love, fam & friends. People should know (ofc not just on 1 day outta the year, no) consistently feel and know how much you care for and love them. We are placed here to love. & to enjoy ourselves-whatever tf that might look like to you.

& as I recognize the lessons in real time more and more now, I’m grateful for the shit. Cuz it only helps make me better.

Not insane, but I liked this gif

You gotta be it, to receive it (authentically)

& give it to yourself first, before ever trying to replenish your well.

Be your own water. You the well, too.

🤔 I think the muscle relaxer & anti inflammatory 💊 kickin in, lolol. That’s all the epiphanies from me (fa now 😎)

3-4 months

Queer

I know pain, like Kurt Cobain

Or A.I. playing, hurt the whole game

-Common
How do you love the love of your life for so long...from high school sweethearts to, still very happily and blissfully together for 33 years...then in an instant* learn that you have 3 -4 months left with them before they die?

How?

Like...it seem unfathomable. surreal. 

All those years of loving. All of the history and the memories...and the planning for the future...to now have a future of 3-4 months?

Life can be benevolent, as it can be cruel. Because on one hand the type of love, bond and connection that they have nurtured, grown and maintained for all of these years is the blessing. Getting to wake up next to the love of your life every day. A partner in life and  spouse who you adore and adores you equally...someone who knows all of your quirks, hopes, fears, dreams, secrets...someone who has vowed to never leave your side...is being made to. By life. By an aggressive cancer recently discovered. 

Her life came to a complete standstill as she contemplated what kind of life would be normal, when the most normal part of her existence would soon be gone. She contemplated her breath...because it seemed as the days passed, she forgot that it was automatic. All she knew now were monitors and doctors and tests. As her partners light grew more dim, she fought the urge every day to maintain her own. 
She felt as if her own life force was slipping away, as she watched that of her partners slowly leave, day by day.

The kids and the spiritualists these days would say some new age crap about not being attached to people and some more insensitive and love lacking bullshit. But what do they know? Have they experienced this level and depth of irrefutable love, commitment or connection? No. Of course not. They are too busy being hyper independent, unattached, closed off and afraid to swim beneath any surface that requires relinquishing their perceived power or surrendering their egos to love anyone pass their "boundaries" (no matter how unhealthy they are). 
It's easy to say "don't be attached to other people" when you've never genuinely been connected to someone.
Especially someone who has seen and loved you through your best and your worst...and chose every day to love you and show up for you...for 33 years. To cheer you on and grow with you through the changed minds, changed ideals & beliefs, changed appearances and the changes of life. Your meditation partner in the mornings. Your walking buddy in the evenings after work. Your daily reminder that the Universe/God-dess/this benevolent force that brought you this wonderful, imperfect human who is completely perfect for you...is real.

What isn't real...is the current reality, as it inches towards the most unreal future. One without the love of her life. In 3-4 months.

I wish the words above were based on fiction, but unfortunately they’re based on the very recent and current journey of two of my people. Life is wild. Strange…beautiful. & At times like these…absolutely unbelievable and heartbreaking.