I hate sounding cliché. & this is probably gonna sound cliché as hell, but 2023 is definitely a year of change. Good change. Well…I guess all change is good. Idk if I can speak for that for every single case/person, but the good change? Yeah that’s that shit I’m on.
Ok but Wtf does this have to do with the dead?
Because there are a couple people in my life, with all love- I choose not to resuscitate the connections.
Excavating the same grave
& expecting new life
When only toxicity is resurrected every time…
with her was…bird food.
& because of my very strong like, allowed myself to be breadcrumbed
After Mercury. & After Mars. They both retrograde right now. & it was by the grace of the twitter gods that reminded me of this astrological occurrence with those 2 planets.
Still. I hopped on WhatsApp and began typing a message to my mum. Some of the realest shit I ever wrote.
I have some things I need to get off of my chest. Release this negative energy and this pressure in my heart. Because holding things in, makes ppl explode. And it’s counterproductive to any type of growth.
Why do you volunteer information that no one asked you for?
It seems like whenever (especially) you are feeling some type of way about me, you always do that. Say something to try and embarrass me or put me down in some way, in front of others.
Why do you do that? It’s so toxic and unnecessary. And just, the actions of someone who doesn’t like or actually hates the other person. That’s how you make me feel. Please stop doing this. It’s embarrassing for the both of us esp when it’s front of people.
Tonight…tonight I am accepting FINALLY that some generational curses, maybe just can’t be broken. Because the toxic bonds/relationships and the horrible ways we handle, treat & mistreat one another…being BLOOD related…Has got to be a curse. With the exception of aunt L and her children, we are cursed with toxicity with the women and their children.
The proof is all there. & I can’t change anything and want to do better and be better, for the both of us. To not want to have a bad relationship with my mother like Y & AV. C and AV. All of you sisters. Once you all get angry you completely cut each other off and move on. That’s so unhealthy and so toxic.
No one apologizes. No one is accountable. We just have attitudes and stop speaking to each other. Where is the love???? Where is the compassion and understanding that we have for everyone else, but each other?
Doing the same thing, being the same harmful, mean, hurtful person…and expecting different results, is called insanity.
I feel like a stranger compared to the way you treat other people. Like you prefer everyone else on the planet as your child or adopted child, over me. This is how I feel. & it breaks my heart. This ya how I’ve felt for as long as I can remember.
I don’t want to live a stressful uncomfortable life. & Nobody wants to walk on eggshells as you put it. Or be in negative ass energy. I feel like emotionally and psychologically, I’m regressing here.
In this life I’ve learned that some people…just do better loving each other, from a distance.
It’s a hard pill to swallow when it’s a personal truth, but I have to acknowledge and accept that this path and the way we are with each other when things go left, is not healthy. It’s not good. & this is why I’ve made the decision to detach from this toxicity.
I love you. I have learned. For my own protection. and self preservation (mentally, emotionally, psychologically) That like you when it comes to me… I don’t like you. The generational curse is strong in this one. -Dear Mama
Ironically enough..My mum sent me the same clip as the gif I used as the feature image on this post (she sent the extra long clip from Fences, starring Denzel some years back. This was not a teachable moment for her. It was more of an affirming one. Matter of fact, she used that clip to REMIND me that being available emotionally, nurturing, kind, etc. was not here role as a parent. It was to provide.
She never ceases to remind me in some way that A) she never wanted kids.
And B) it’s always been more toleration than genuinely wanting to be a parent.
C)It fucking sucks to be on the receiving end of this your whole life.
Day 3. 2023. Maybe one day I’ll stop taking the shit personally. Or, maybe I won’t and this wound will forever be mine to experience. Idk.
In 2004, this amazing film, Closer, was released. That shit changed my life. It certainly changed the way that I looked at adult relationships and fidelity. Fucked my lil idealistic head up, if I’m being honest. Because the truth of all this;
Being human: you gon fuck up.
Might not be adultery, but being imperfect, we not always gonna get the shit right. But. It’s also how we handle things. & how the other person handles things. Because with some shit, there’s no going backwards. For me anyway. When it comes to trust and being honest with intentions, I hold that shit in high regard.
Funnies shit about that though? Just bc you hold it in high regard, doesn’t mean that the other person does. Well. Whatever the case. Broken trust, is hard pill to swallow. & falling in love (or lust) with other people absolutely can and does happen. It’s how you handle the shit as it comes up (& openly communicate about it) that can save ya some time, energy &/or heartbreak. All in all, I didn’t want to go into a new year without creating/posting content from Closer. & remix it with a lil twitter.
I’m not Rihanna I do not love the way you lie. I will block you.
I used that line from 1 of my fave shows, P-Valley. If you follow any of my other socials (Twitter, Instagram) then you know how much I absolutely love this show.
Ok. So why tf is that line the title of this post?
Because I felt like it. & I felt like it because the moments that I experienced leading up to even thinking of that line, had me feeling like Murda when Keyshawn showed him the WSHH feature with them. That energy. That Soul Glo ✨ cuz you now in the process of mining ⛏ your own diamonds…& once you realize…that you are also the Diamond 💎 game fucking changer.
What a time. What a life, Jhene Aiko. Seeing your shit come to fruition-in the divinely timed order it’s sposed to ✨
The feeling of having pride in your work and what the fuck you put out into the world. & also tremendous gratitude for what was, what’s happening rn and for allllll the beautiful, magical, wonderful experiences coming.
Give thanks. Gratitude for the doors and windows 🪟 that’s opening for me-& the right ones at that. The ones that feel good. That feel at ease. That feel joyful. That’s for my highest good & the highest good if all involved. Them joints that feel right & aligned ✨ give thanks.
PODCAST: The Joyful Experience
I am so pleased, so grateful and sooo excited to be sharing this Podcast & more of myself with you.
As you will hear in the Podcast, I am a 12H sun. With Jupiter in my 8H…Capricorn Mercury and Venus…ine into foolishness.
This 12H energy has me in the cut working on self in several ways, which I’m not mad about at all. & sometimes, I am beckoned to “show my face” & in this case, share my voice.
So. Here I Am.
& I am absolutely delighted to be able to share some of my innermost thoughts & feels regarding dating and mating with Astrology-& how you relate to your own birth chart.
Big up and Big love to all of the professional astrologers that have guided me these last few years and really helped a bih understand more and grow.
I am ever grateful for every opportunity and every gift. & this Podcast was certainly that.
Big love always to my beloved colleague, fellow author, writer, bad ass Scorpio witch and friend, Kat.
Give thanks for our queer family tree that’s been growin from AOL online/chat room times (yeah we old-ish) lol. I’m hella grateful for such a wonderful opportunity. That shit was hella fun.
I honestly don’t want anyone to chase me or feel like they gotta chase me, cuz my attention is no longer theirs- based on the ways they was moving funny.
Or because I called my energy back and whatever attachment I had to the situation and you, is dissipating.
I’m such a huge fan and advocate of clarity. It’s a necessity for me. Especially in my relationships. Clear, healthy, open and honest communication, but, just cuz you a fan of that type of vibe, that don’t mean that the other person is.
But what I’m not gonna do is keep making excuses for shitty behaviour &/or treatment-for whatever reason. Or me feeling like I’m always the one that has to reach out…ehhh, no thanks.
I’m not with that. Not when I worked this hard to be this healed and grow this damn much. My Venus AND my 7H are blessed with Saturn placements 🙂…you think I didn’t have to put in ALL the work? Smt. Please. From figuring out life at a very young age & how to move, love & survive in a world foreign to me, I’m not with the bullshit*
*by bullshit I mean…someone making my life or making a connection unnecessarily difficult. I’d rather you not disturb me/my life at all…if this is what you bring & have to offer.
Confusion and mixed signals…is communication enough, when you think about it.
We often sometimes expect things out of people because of the way we move & love, but shit, some just aren’t able to reciprocate. Or…they just don’t feel like you are worth the effort. If we gon continue to keep it real on this here Blog. Truth ain’t always peaches and roses. & roses do have thorns…so.
Here we are. This imbalanced dynamic. So now, here comes the great lord of time and karma: Saturn 🪐 poppin up like
Like…let’s see if you’ve learned these lessons, or you just talk that shit on Twitter, Lolol. Man. The test is always in session. For me & in my opinion.
Because based on what you believe about yourself (self worth or lack there of) will manifest in your relationships and potential relationships. & honestly, I’m not failing that shit no more. Matter of fact, I want extra fucking credit. Ok, ok…I may be getting ahead of myself ✋🏿 Because yes, I did entertain something further than I should have-
& as much as my ass be posting Instagram captions talking about
When people show you who they are, believe them. The first time.
Dr. Maya Angelou
I love that quote and I’ve used it numerous times. But yet. & still. After she showed me a couple times…I did believe her and my ass still passed go 🙂
Yeah well, I passed go couple times…based on “potential” and not reality. & what she was actually showing me.
I decided that this time tho (& any time moving forward) I will not allow someone to take me to hell. For no goddamn reason.
& here’s what I’ve learned and what I love: that there are no hard feelings. It just is what it is & I refuse to pretend it is, what it ain’t.
So if someone is going to be back and forth; they wanna fuck with you one day or for a lil while, then switch up…I’m good on that.
I’m not a fan of the runner-chaser dynamic, either. & to be real…it’s not even that I’m “running.” I’m just not checking anymore.
Peace to that.
& peace to the things that need to show up to remind you exactly where you are at.
& peace to them leaving as I remember not only the lesson, but that I am worth way more than that bs ✌🏿
I originally wrote this for my Instagram account, but I figured…why not share the wealth across platforms.
Earth placements, y’all alright?
Honorable mention: Pisces placements. ♓️
When it comes to going above and beyond…to the point of self sacrifice, you gotta cut off the shenanigans.
When you find yourself doing more, giving more, extending yourself more…that’s where learning healthy boundaries comes into play.
Bc don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being a caring, kind, generous, loving, giving person, but just make sure that same grace is also extended to you, from those we intentionally share with.
I once read something that said: “Loving someone harder will not make them change.”
& that was some of the realest shit I ever read. We do sometimes break our own hearts, but we also have the ability to call back energies and break those agreements that allowed us to accept less than we deserve.
Shit, it’s all a part of growing, learning and unlearning. & when you know better you (hopefully) do better and make better decisions. & that’s on ancestor Angelou 🙏🏿✨ ~Syn