I’m not ok, Lauren. HBU?

Queer

Y’all remember That scene when Lauren Hawkins (Health department chick who shut the Pynk down in season 2) was getting her lap dance from Gidget? This was in the VIP room in season 1.

She was having a grand old time, a phenomenal time living it up and celebrating her divorce settlement and subsequent blowing her divorce settlement on titties and street shit (IYKYK-it’s a reference to another character)

But…the thing about depression and sadness and especially if you are good at masking/ or a high, or otherwise, functioning depressed individual.

But you could (seemingly) be on top of the world and all of a sudden…then thoughts creep up. Reality sets back in and this amazing experience is overshadowed by what you really got going on inside.

It can hit you and fuck your shit up and remind you that you really are not OK.

So.

Yeah that scene wit Lauren…that moment happened quickly and was brief as fuck. & if you not paying attention, you could miss it.

but I’ve experienced enough to overstand what that sadness in the midst of heaven can feel like. & it’s ok. You will have your moments.

Do your best to not let those moments become your entire story. But acknowledging the shit is healthy. Pretending and suppressing, is not.

Yeah. That’s all I got for now.

“I’m Glowin The Fuck Up!” -Lil Murda

Queer

I used that line from 1 of my fave shows, P-Valley. If you follow any of my other socials (Twitter, Instagram) then you know how much I absolutely love this show.

Ok. So why tf is that line the title of this post?

Because I felt like it. & I felt like it because the moments that I experienced leading up to even thinking of that line, had me feeling like Murda when Keyshawn showed him the WSHH feature with them. That energy. That Soul Glo ✨ cuz you now in the process of mining ⛏ your own diamonds…& once you realize…that you are also the Diamond 💎 game fucking changer.

What a time. What a life, Jhene Aiko. Seeing your shit come to fruition-in the divinely timed order it’s sposed to ✨

The feeling of having pride in your work and what the fuck you put out into the world. & also tremendous gratitude for what was, what’s happening rn and for allllll the beautiful, magical, wonderful experiences coming.

Give thanks. Gratitude for the doors and windows 🪟 that’s opening for me-& the right ones at that. The ones that feel good. That feel at ease. That feel joyful. That’s for my highest good & the highest good if all involved. Them joints that feel right & aligned ✨ give thanks.

PODCAST: The Joyful Experience

I am so pleased, so grateful and sooo excited to be sharing this Podcast & more of myself with you.

As you will hear in the Podcast, I am a 12H sun. With Jupiter in my 8H…Capricorn Mercury and Venus…ine into foolishness.

This 12H energy has me in the cut working on self in several ways, which I’m not mad about at all. & sometimes, I am beckoned to “show my face” & in this case, share my voice.

So. Here I Am.

& I am absolutely delighted to be able to share some of my innermost thoughts & feels regarding dating and mating with Astrology-& how you relate to your own birth chart.

Big up and Big love to all of the professional astrologers that have guided me these last few years and really helped a bih understand more and grow.

I am ever grateful for every opportunity and every gift. & this Podcast was certainly that.

Big love always to my beloved colleague, fellow author, writer, bad ass Scorpio witch and friend, Kat.

Give thanks for our queer family tree that’s been growin from AOL online/chat room times (yeah we old-ish) lol. I’m hella grateful for such a wonderful opportunity. That shit was hella fun.

Syncere, Guest Host. The Joyful Experience Podcast, August, 2022

Listen To Full Podcast Here

Unlucky Day

Queer
Yeah you a ten
but that attitude ain’t fine

I honestly don’t want anyone to chase me or feel like they gotta chase me, cuz my attention is no longer theirs- based on the ways they was moving funny.

Or because I called my energy back and whatever attachment I had to the situation and you, is dissipating.

I’m such a huge fan and advocate of clarity. It’s a necessity for me. Especially in my relationships. Clear, healthy, open and honest communication, but, just cuz you a fan of that type of vibe, that don’t mean that the other person is.

Life…be life-ing.

But what I’m not gonna do is keep making excuses for shitty behaviour &/or treatment-for whatever reason. Or me feeling like I’m always the one that has to reach out…ehhh, no thanks.

I’m not with that. Not when I worked this hard to be this healed and grow this damn much. My Venus AND my 7H are blessed with Saturn placements 🙂…you think I didn’t have to put in ALL the work? Smt. Please. From figuring out life at a very young age & how to move, love & survive in a world foreign to me, I’m not with the bullshit*

*by bullshit I mean…someone making my life or making a connection unnecessarily difficult. I’d rather you not disturb me/my life at all…if this is what you bring & have to offer.

Confusion and mixed signals…is communication enough, when you think about it.

We often sometimes expect things out of people because of the way we move & love, but shit, some just aren’t able to reciprocate. Or…they just don’t feel like you are worth the effort. If we gon continue to keep it real on this here Blog. Truth ain’t always peaches and roses. & roses do have thorns…so.

Here we are. This imbalanced dynamic. So now, here comes the great lord of time and karma: Saturn 🪐 poppin up like

Like…let’s see if you’ve learned these lessons, or you just talk that shit on Twitter, Lolol. Man. The test is always in session. For me & in my opinion.

Because based on what you believe about yourself (self worth or lack there of) will manifest in your relationships and potential relationships. & honestly, I’m not failing that shit no more. Matter of fact, I want extra fucking credit. Ok, ok…I may be getting ahead of myself ✋🏿 Because yes, I did entertain something further than I should have-

& as much as my ass be posting Instagram captions talking about

When people show you who they are, believe them. The first time.

Dr. Maya Angelou

I love that quote and I’ve used it numerous times. But yet. & still. After she showed me a couple times…I did believe her and my ass still passed go 🙂

Yeah well, I passed go couple times…based on “potential” and not reality. & what she was actually showing me.

I decided that this time tho (& any time moving forward) I will not allow someone to take me to hell. For no goddamn reason.

& here’s what I’ve learned and what I love: that there are no hard feelings. It just is what it is & I refuse to pretend it is, what it ain’t.

So if someone is going to be back and forth; they wanna fuck with you one day or for a lil while, then switch up…I’m good on that.

I’m not a fan of the runner-chaser dynamic, either. & to be real…it’s not even that I’m “running.” I’m just not checking anymore.

Peace to that.

& peace to the things that need to show up to remind you exactly where you are at.

& peace to them leaving as I remember not only the lesson, but that I am worth way more than that bs ✌🏿

In tune, Direct Neptune

Queer

That’s it…that’s the tweet Blog. Ok that’s not it, but damn…this Instagram post stopped me in my fucking tracks and I HAD to share it on my Story and now, here. Because I don’t want to forget it. I don’t ever want to forget the moments that led me to this post. And how divinely timed this shit was.

The fact that I had been playing “Real Love Baby” when I first saw this post also solidified what my guides were trying to tell & remind me:

That settling for lukewarm or bare minimum effort and love is not the business. That I am worthy of a love so sublime and so divine, that it reminds me of love; that I am love(d).

Every bone in my body will be sure. With love and humans coinciding-she doesn’t have to be perfect to be the antidote, the cure…

pure vibes and love. A love affair and love story to rival any epic tale. A love that’s real. And ready. & open and willing to move through the discomfort and the temporary. My love will choose me as I do her, endlessly. She will be solid in her love and intention, not on the fence about me. Not perfect, but perfect…for me.

I could write and write and write…but I’m gonna keep it brief and soak in the words above. A reminder of a perfect love for me. Imperfectly existing, never waning or drifting. Gifting me with her presence and consistency…hold her down as she lifts me. Transporting me to heights not reached previously. & honestly nobody else exists to me… Real Love, Baby

B.B. King: Bummed, but not Bitter

Queer

Presence & Acknowledgements

Presence takes on a whole new meaning for me this year-a more intentional and actual/factual meaning.

Standing in the sand ocean against feet. & Being able to look so clearly at the stars in the sky. It reminds you of how smalll you are. & how big…grand, vast…erry thing out there is. & how things are orchestrated divinely, over our own human understanding of things.

One thing that I know for sure: I am still learning and growing. And people show up exactly on time-to remind us of what being present and grounded is AND all of the ways that we may not be. Fuck.

In the midst of building a home (thank the Goddess we are nearing the finish line as the year ends, I have never felt so overwhelmed) transitioning to a whole new life and dealing with familial roots and dynamics that I haven’t been around in the last…24 or so years…it’s been a lot.

But I’m very grateful for the things that I’m learning and being connected with them again. This December makes a whole ass year since I’ve been back and it has been…1 for the books, lol. & as much as everything in my body and mind was ready to head in the opposite direction ✈️ …there is a purpose that I’m back here now. For how long? I don’t know yet. But knowing that my presence here is for something bigger than me-for family and making sure my mum is good and in a brand new home, settled after losing everything in Hurricane Dorian…is what makes every fear and uncertainty, doubt, regret…dissipate. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about how in an instant I almost lost her and the majority of my family on my Mums side…life is…fucking wild.

& when I speak of regret and doubt-it’s me speaking on my own personal demons and journey of giving up a life I have known in another country for the last 20+ years and all of the comforts, the freedom (as a queer person) and ease…that I made the very hard (but easy) decision to leave.

Because my presence was needed here. Presence. Again, that word. This reflection I’m experiencing I suppose is pretty on brand with the year coming to a close.

This post is also pertaining to a connection that I once viewed as promising and refreshing…& I still give it that, as it was. So. Now I’m boutta digress. & since my site has the word confession in it, what did you expect? Lol

I’m…hmm. Acknowledging that people are allowed to change their minds. & allowed to make decisions and choices based on what’s best for them…I have to move forward in that logical space of processing. I believe it was Chani Nicholas who posted up about Sagittarius season and called it the season of “spirited ghosting” 👻 & as a Sagg Moon…the shit is awful, but made sense and made me chuckle when I read it. However, it’s not the best feeling when it’s done to you. As anyone who has ever been on that side of the fence can attest.

Have I done it before? I’m pretty sure I have in my past. Before I grew into the person that I am now. And. So now, I’m tasked with practicing what I am always preaching (from the book The Four Agreements) & 1)doing my best to 2) not take personal someone making a personal decision for themselves. Ehhhh.

Acknowledgments.

Astrologer Danielle (one of my faves) said that your rising is there to protect your Sun. And with Pisces as my rising…umm I dunno bout that 😂 jk, jk. Because with my Aquarius Sun and Sagg Moon…I definitely needed to have that water rising to protect my Sun (at 29° Leo, no doubt) and me from being too hard, selfish, egotistical, self consumed, etc….that water is so necessary. & even though we know the fish can be a bit much sometimes, it’s exactly what I needed to provide the balance necessary that I always strive towards lined up with my Air sun, Fire Moon and Earth Venus. Perfect. For me. & for whomever I end up aligned with in a relationship.

Because I understand now. And I’m so much better and letting things be exactly what they are, without attaching negatively to it, idealizing or romanticizing it to the point of delusion…Neptune can make you do that shit, lol. But. I realize that I can’t do anything with the potential of a thing, only the reality of it. Fuck.

Wisdom comes at a cost, lol. You see me here intellectually speaking on this shit, but I would be lying if I sat here typing and said that this presence and then absence of something/someone hasn’t affected me at all. I’m a human, not a robot contrary to typical Aquarius slander. It’s affected me. Not in an egotistical way though-because like I said, everyone has a right to do what is best for them & I always say that no one belongs to anyone else- but changed me in a way that has helped me grow. I was able to open up and show my vulnerable side to someone (I usually don’t that quickly-Capricorn Venus-lemme stop there because this connection has proven that I have grown) so being open and vulnerable with someone was once a challenge. But. This perfect alignment with her (be it short lived) has shown me all the the ways I have grown for the better. & not being bitter about something that I had so much hope for dissipating the way it did.

It gives me hope and I am grateful for being able to see me; as the person that I was once working to become (in relation to relating to someone I’m feeling/interested in romantically). Fuck. Because I know when I do align and connect with someone on this level again, I know that I’ve done the work and am capable of giving and sharing love, care, myself etc wholeheartedly…with only the intentions of giving and receiving the highest love. Sans unhealthy attachment, ego, none of that shit that I used to deal/rock with.

It’s fucking possible! Lol. It’s a great feeling amidst being bummed about something not going according to my own human plan-but the Universe and my Ancestors…they know what’s up and I trust them. That every redirection of energy and attention is for my highest good and the highest good of all involved.

That’s the shit, man. Because I always say that things are always working out for me-for my highest good AND the highest good of all involved…sometimes I just wanna be selfish and just say for my own highest good, Lolol. But. That’s not what love is. If we being real. I want shit to work for me, but also for you, too. I want it to be working for the higher good for us both. Smh. When tf did I become this person, lol. Well. I am grateful to be here, now. As I am.

I’m here to give and share real love (Cancer 5H and NN) with others. Remind them that they are worthy of the greatest love and care. Might not be from me forever, but they are worthy nonetheless. & acknowledging that I can’t do the work for anyone else but myself. & I am only responsible for me and how I choose to show up. That being said, I will never regret giving or sharing any of my love/care/concern with anyone, because it’s who I am. I’m a fucking lover, man. & I’m grateful for those who see me, feel me, receive me as I am and choose to intentionally show up and reciprocate. & for the ones who don’t, can’t/are unable to for whatever reason…peace to them.

Everyone is my teacher.

Eternally grateful for my life teachers that bless me with lessons that I needed to see/learn. To help fix my vision and readjustment of frequencies. Operating from fear, or embodying of a “runner/chaser” energy is not it. Because anything that is avoiding or running…doesn’t want to be chased. Shit makes sense don’t it? That’s not the type of energy I desire. I’m operating from a space of love and alignment now. & knowing that I am worthy of all the love that I give out. All the good shit, I am worthy of. And as I exhale and release this long ass post of acknowledgments, I am extremely grateful to be here. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Linear Regression

Lesbian, Queer, qwoc

I see you
& I wanna see you
Exposed brick

Like I saw you
Before

Once you showed your hand
Partially
I didn’t interpret
Or understand

But

It’s just one thing that got me trippin

How fucking beautiful you are
Esp when brick is exposed

I got advice from ur homie & heed it

but who the fuck can drive slow
With your kind of Soul

So.
I don’t say shit like that unless I mean it

& it’s been a while
Since I’ve uttered such words to a woman

Since I thought about…Love in that way

& that its ok to not be perfect.

You and me
Mixed up in all our growth and learning and hoping

And leaning
A little backwards sometimes when we get weak

Cuz it’s comfortable
Til it’s not

So show me your bricks
just don’t throw em at me, Lol