Being/feeling not grounded, sucks. You notice the imbalance easier once you start living intentionally, authentically & paying tf attention.
I tried to pay attention but attention paid me.
& for that to happen (for me) I have to cut out the noise & the distractions. The demands of the outside world that holds your peace…hostage.
Until you… sick of making plea deals for your own sanity Get a grip… on reality Unplug from this… status:connected (but very disconnected) fantasy
& get back to nature. Which is also meaning to get back to the root: get back to you.
It gets easier once you start to strip away layers of agreements that were made-with and without your consent.
The peace…of saying “no” is unmatched. & not in a mean, stingy way of being…nah. In a selfish way of being. Yeah, selfish. If that means taking care of self, I’m for it. Not harmful to others or cruel. No.
Caring for others…comes secondary to caring for you.
I honestly don’t want anyone to chase me or feel like they gotta chase me, cuz my attention is no longer theirs- based on the ways they was moving funny.
Or because I called my energy back and whatever attachment I had to the situation and you, is dissipating.
I’m such a huge fan and advocate of clarity. It’s a necessity for me. Especially in my relationships. Clear, healthy, open and honest communication, but, just cuz you a fan of that type of vibe, that don’t mean that the other person is.
But what I’m not gonna do is keep making excuses for shitty behaviour &/or treatment-for whatever reason. Or me feeling like I’m always the one that has to reach out…ehhh, no thanks.
I’m not with that. Not when I worked this hard to be this healed and grow this damn much. My Venus AND my 7H are blessed with Saturn placements 🙂…you think I didn’t have to put in ALL the work? Smt. Please. From figuring out life at a very young age & how to move, love & survive in a world foreign to me, I’m not with the bullshit*
*by bullshit I mean…someone making my life or making a connection unnecessarily difficult. I’d rather you not disturb me/my life at all…if this is what you bring & have to offer.
Confusion and mixed signals…is communication enough, when you think about it.
We often sometimes expect things out of people because of the way we move & love, but shit, some just aren’t able to reciprocate. Or…they just don’t feel like you are worth the effort. If we gon continue to keep it real on this here Blog. Truth ain’t always peaches and roses. & roses do have thorns…so.
Here we are. This imbalanced dynamic. So now, here comes the great lord of time and karma: Saturn 🪐 poppin up like
Like…let’s see if you’ve learned these lessons, or you just talk that shit on Twitter, Lolol. Man. The test is always in session. For me & in my opinion.
Because based on what you believe about yourself (self worth or lack there of) will manifest in your relationships and potential relationships. & honestly, I’m not failing that shit no more. Matter of fact, I want extra fucking credit. Ok, ok…I may be getting ahead of myself ✋🏿 Because yes, I did entertain something further than I should have-
& as much as my ass be posting Instagram captions talking about
When people show you who they are, believe them. The first time.
Dr. Maya Angelou
I love that quote and I’ve used it numerous times. But yet. & still. After she showed me a couple times…I did believe her and my ass still passed go 🙂
Yeah well, I passed go couple times…based on “potential” and not reality. & what she was actually showing me.
I decided that this time tho (& any time moving forward) I will not allow someone to take me to hell. For no goddamn reason.
& here’s what I’ve learned and what I love: that there are no hard feelings. It just is what it is & I refuse to pretend it is, what it ain’t.
So if someone is going to be back and forth; they wanna fuck with you one day or for a lil while, then switch up…I’m good on that.
I’m not a fan of the runner-chaser dynamic, either. & to be real…it’s not even that I’m “running.” I’m just not checking anymore.
Peace to that.
& peace to the things that need to show up to remind you exactly where you are at.
& peace to them leaving as I remember not only the lesson, but that I am worth way more than that bs ✌🏿
Someone asked me the other day if I believe that free will is a thing…
One of the greatest things about being human, IMO, is free will. & choice. You are the decider of things. & I am grateful for the choice to opt out of relationships that aren’t healthy.
It’s really good to acknowledge this because just like with email subscriptions, you can unsubscribe from a relationship that is draining, too difficult, one-sided, unhealthy/toxic, etc. Or even ones that are stagnant, don’t move or excite you. & it’s no hard feelings. No soft ones either, lol. It’s the indifference especially that is also a deciding factor.
Are we growing together? Individually?
I’m sitting up under the remnants of the Libra full moon. Contemplating. Full Moons are about release and letting go. So.
When you ground and connect with your body Connect with presence..you disconnect from consumption and overconsumption of media, background noise, even your favourite binge worthy shows. Shit is wild how uninterested you become in such things.
It just don’t hit the same. Looking at my library at the classic and the legendary
Stillness, but not being sedentary.
Connectedness to sound and color Emphasis on: presence in interpersonal relationships. Support. Being there. & showing up. Intentionally. With a grateful heart With clarity and abundance of appreciation for the moments that you get to spend and share with your favourite and closest people.
Disconnect, to connect. Feel the feels usually repressed Numbed and subdued Consumer being consumed With same day delivery Post Modern Fillory
You are the magician of your own destiny Tarot, pero
How do you say: I wanna dive deep wit you Share energy, space, knowledge, wisdom & sheets, wit you Silk, to Egyptian cotton The art of courting seems to be lost on many, & to some-forgotten & I wanna remind you & awaken the beast in you Be peace with you As we lay in the mutual space of love that time can’t erase With me your heart is safe My abundance of love is for you
How do you… say this and so much more? Like: Mi amor Only you I am here to worship and adore As Is…
I wrote this piece with someone in mind. As sort of a love poem, love affirmation and manifestation. But somewhere, somehow shit got lost in translation…lost in space. But found on time. I am grateful for all of my love& life teachers, regardless of length of stay. I love being inspired and moved to write words dedicated to love. That’s the root. Everything else stems from that. So. I give thanks for presence and the essence of divinity. The reminder that love is beautiful and free. & the hope of a thing also makes life more beautiful.
I’m writing you poetry And consistently show you The love that you deserve Intentionally, slowly Unfold you like the most delicate petals of a rose 🌹 I will leave you whole and not pluck you But know every day I always wanna fuck you- & love you. & I will always pick you While leaving your roots room to grow, too
You are my Queen bee and my flower Love you enough to relinquish power & control Behold, the ferocious Goddess & that’s being modest Cuz there aren’t enough words to describe your beauty truly Divine You and I are truly aligned The Universe and my Ancestors are so benevolent and kind
They way they placed us together You’re my most valued treasure Loving you is so easy. Loving you takes no effort. I give thanks for mutual effort Mutual love and healthy obsession Learning in real time that I’ve mastered the lessons Every day I am in awe of your special Gas you and fill you up until you’re an overflowing vessel Of love that radiates Nothing and no one predates Our chemistry and energy The way we love each other, intentionally the generosity and blessings within our connection Is unprecedented You found me and gave to me-thee Sweetest love Your care, your affection and your time
Thank you for appreciating me Thank you for adoring me Thank you for reciprocity and for loving and receiving me
Thank you for being solid And easy like Sunday morning A Sunday kind of love is what you give every day and it’s what I’ve always wanted Thank you for that beautiful smile Thank you for taking the time to get to know me on deeper levels Your love helped me discard that hard fixed sign shell & invited me to openness I will always love you on purpose
Each and every day & in every way You bring me such joy and cognizance Learned to lead with my heart over the simply logical sense I love our attraction, I love our passion-it’s so intense
In the best ways I’m excited to spend time with you knowing that these aren’t even my best days I prayed For someone like you and here you are Love- a beautiful reminder that love knows no distance and is never far away
I know that heaven is a place on Earth and it’s with you Every day is beautiful and better than the next I love our openness The vulnerability We are on the road to free Just had to make some stops along the way I love when you message me, I love hearing your voice-it makes my night and day So much better I love reading your love letters I love receiving your love…and sharing mine with you
That’s it…that’s the tweet Blog. Ok that’s not it, but damn…this Instagram post stopped me in my fucking tracks and I HAD to share it on my Story and now, here. Because I don’t want to forget it. I don’t ever want to forget the moments that led me to this post. And how divinely timed this shit was.
The fact that I had been playing “Real Love Baby” when I first saw this post also solidified what my guides were trying to tell & remind me:
That settling for lukewarm or bare minimum effort and love is not the business. That I am worthy of a love so sublime and so divine, that it reminds me of love; that I am love(d).
Every bone in my body will be sure. With love and humans coinciding-she doesn’t have to be perfect to be the antidote, the cure…
pure vibes and love. A love affair and love story to rival any epic tale. A love that’s real. And ready. & open and willing to move through the discomfort and the temporary. My love will choose me as I do her, endlessly. She will be solid in her love and intention, not on the fence about me. Not perfect, but perfect…for me.
I could write and write and write…but I’m gonna keep it brief and soak in the words above. A reminder of a perfect love for me. Imperfectly existing, never waning or drifting. Gifting me with her presence and consistency…hold her down as she lifts me. Transporting me to heights not reached previously. & honestly nobody else exists to me… Real Love, Baby
Presence takes on a whole new meaning for me this year-a more intentional and actual/factual meaning.
Standing in the sand ocean against feet. & Being able to look so clearly at the stars in the sky. It reminds you of how smalll you are. & how big…grand, vast…erry thing out there is. & how things are orchestrated divinely, over our own human understanding of things.
One thing that I know for sure: I am still learning and growing. And people show up exactly on time-to remind us of what being present and grounded is AND all of the ways that we may not be. Fuck.
In the midst of building a home (thank the Goddess we are nearing the finish line as the year ends, I have never felt so overwhelmed) transitioning to a whole new life and dealing with familial roots and dynamics that I haven’t been around in the last…24 or so years…it’s been a lot.
But I’m very grateful for the things that I’m learning and being connected with them again. This December makes a whole ass year since I’ve been back and it has been…1 for the books, lol. & as much as everything in my body and mind was ready to head in the opposite direction ✈️ …there is a purpose that I’m back here now. For how long? I don’t know yet. But knowing that my presence here is for something bigger than me-for family and making sure my mum is good and in a brand new home, settled after losing everything in Hurricane Dorian…is what makes every fear and uncertainty, doubt, regret…dissipate. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about how in an instant I almost lost her and the majority of my family on my Mums side…life is…fucking wild.
& when I speak of regret and doubt-it’s me speaking on my own personal demons and journey of giving up a life I have known in another country for the last 20+ years and all of the comforts, the freedom (as a queer person) and ease…that I made the very hard (but easy) decision to leave.
Because my presence was needed here. Presence. Again, that word. This reflection I’m experiencing I suppose is pretty on brand with the year coming to a close.
This post is also pertaining to a connection that I once viewed as promising and refreshing…& I still give it that, as it was. So. Now I’m boutta digress. & since my site has the word confession in it, what did you expect? Lol
I’m…hmm. Acknowledging that people are allowed to change their minds. & allowed to make decisions and choices based on what’s best for them…I have to move forward in that logical space of processing. I believe it was Chani Nicholas who posted up about Sagittarius season and called it the season of “spirited ghosting” 👻 & as a Sagg Moon…the shit is awful, but made sense and made me chuckle when I read it. However, it’s not the best feeling when it’s done to you. As anyone who has ever been on that side of the fence can attest.
Have I done it before? I’m pretty sure I have in my past. Before I grew into the person that I am now. And. So now, I’m tasked with practicing what I am always preaching (from the book The Four Agreements) & 1)doing my best to 2) not take personal someone making a personal decision for themselves. Ehhhh.
Astrologer Danielle (one of my faves) said that your rising is there to protect your Sun. And with Pisces as my rising…umm I dunno bout that 😂 jk, jk. Because with my Aquarius Sun and Sagg Moon…I definitely needed to have that water rising to protect my Sun (at 29° Leo, no doubt) and me from being too hard, selfish, egotistical, self consumed, etc….that water is so necessary. & even though we know the fish can be a bit much sometimes, it’s exactly what I needed to provide the balance necessary that I always strive towards lined up with my Air sun, Fire Moon and Earth Venus. Perfect. For me. & for whomever I end up aligned with in a relationship.
Because I understand now. And I’m so much better and letting things be exactly what they are, without attaching negatively to it, idealizing or romanticizing it to the point of delusion…Neptune can make you do that shit, lol. But. I realize that I can’t do anything with the potential of a thing, only the reality of it. Fuck.
Wisdom comes at a cost, lol. You see me here intellectually speaking on this shit, but I would be lying if I sat here typing and said that this presence and then absence of something/someone hasn’t affected me at all. I’m a human, not a robot contrary to typical Aquarius slander. It’s affected me. Not in an egotistical way though-because like I said, everyone has a right to do what is best for them & I always say that no one belongs to anyone else- but changed me in a way that has helped me grow. I was able to open up and show my vulnerable side to someone (I usually don’t that quickly-Capricorn Venus-lemme stop there because this connection has proven that I have grown) so being open and vulnerable with someone was once a challenge. But. This perfect alignment with her (be it short lived) has shown me all the the ways I have grown for the better. & not being bitter about something that I had so much hope for dissipating the way it did.
It gives me hope and I am grateful for being able to see me; as the person that I was once working to become (in relation to relating to someone I’m feeling/interested in romantically). Fuck. Because I know when I do align and connect with someone on this level again, I know that I’ve done the work and am capable of giving and sharing love, care, myself etc wholeheartedly…with only the intentions of giving and receiving the highest love. Sans unhealthy attachment, ego, none of that shit that I used to deal/rock with.
It’s fucking possible! Lol. It’s a great feeling amidst being bummed about something not going according to my own human plan-but the Universe and my Ancestors…they know what’s up and I trust them. That every redirection of energy and attention is for my highest good and the highest good of all involved.
That’s the shit, man. Because I always say that things are always working out for me-for my highest good AND the highest good of all involved…sometimes I just wanna be selfish and just say for my own highest good, Lolol. But. That’s not what love is. If we being real. I want shit to work for me, but also for you, too. I want it to be working for the higher good for us both. Smh. When tf did I become this person, lol. Well. I am grateful to be here, now. As I am.
I’m here to give and share real love (Cancer 5H and NN) with others. Remind them that they are worthy of the greatest love and care. Might not be from me forever, but they are worthy nonetheless. & acknowledging that I can’t do the work for anyone else but myself. & I am only responsible for me and how I choose to show up. That being said, I will never regret giving or sharing any of my love/care/concern with anyone, because it’s who I am. I’m a fucking lover, man. & I’m grateful for those who see me, feel me, receive me as I am and choose to intentionally show up and reciprocate. & for the ones who don’t, can’t/are unable to for whatever reason…peace to them.
Everyone is my teacher.
Eternally grateful for my life teachers that bless me with lessons that I needed to see/learn. To help fix my vision and readjustment of frequencies. Operating from fear, or embodying of a “runner/chaser” energy is not it. Because anything that is avoiding or running…doesn’t want to be chased. Shit makes sense don’t it? That’s not the type of energy I desire. I’m operating from a space of love and alignment now. & knowing that I am worthy of all the love that I give out. All the good shit, I am worthy of. And as I exhale and release this long ass post of acknowledgments, I am extremely grateful to be here. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I write these words on my solar return-It’s so important to honor your growth. & acknowledge your humanity-as you honor your divinity. Give thanks for all the lessons & blessings along the journey. Everything is necessary.
I love myself.
I love who I have been. all the mistakes and imperfections and repercussions along the way (Saturn co-rules Aquarius) 🪐
All the blessings. The lessons. The humans I’ve been gifted with time, love & presence...
What a ride. What a life.
Perfectly unfolding & expanding in ways that align with my souls highest calling. I had to get clear.
& bare witness To the sweetness and...the fuck shit.
Perpetuated by myself et al. that led to newer & greater understanding Healthy boundaries & hella grounding The steps & missteps that led me to being here.
Choices, decisions & moves that weren’t always for my highest good or that of others, tbh that led me to healing & accountability That led me...to expose me- to me; my most difficult & willing critic.
Plutonian transformations I could conjure several dissertations And name them: The Battle with the Shadow Pierced By Your Own Arrow Deaths of the False Faces
Rising in divinity, and falling from graces To some I’ll always be the devil To others, their forever angel
I can be both. I have been “the most” Esp when consorting with folx whose love language is unaccountability With nobility
Neptunian energy I wasn’t able to see Until I began my journey with plant medicine reflecting on my reflections Respect for the spirits & elements Shrooms in Big Sur...quite a fucking inception
Stopped looking/seeking outward and realized that I-was the only exception
Par Amour & started to pour Into self before Extending from a deficit
Intentions became clearer.
Pure, Water bearer. ~2.18~ ♒️ Another trip around the Sun. All things align. ~Syn
Energy never lies. Humans do, Lol. Energy, does not. But I’m not even speaking on someone just flat out lying. I’m speaking on…how do I best translate my exact sentiments into words….ok, I’ll start here:
Being divine, but still very human…in times of uncertainty, perhaps even fear; fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of something or someone that comes into our lives unexpectedly & flips our shit inside and out (in a good way)…&/or being out of your comfort zone (as a fixed sign-that will forever be one of our challenges) but also one of our greatest opportunities to expand and grow. Ok what the shit am I rambling about today, you ask? lol, I’m getting to it.
I was scrolling through my gallery & saw a screenshot of a previous post featuring the words of Harvey Milk. Which I’m about to share below & hopefully you have a better understanding of wtf I’m talking about:
Don’t let people happen to you…don’t let me happen to you…
The more I read his words, the more I realize that he was so in tune. With self. With being present. With acknowledging and accepting just how beautiful and intentional love- & people who show up and remind you of love, humans who appear and bring us back on course, is. Well, not to say that we are necessarily off course. Because I’m a huge advocate for finding and becoming the happiness, love, etc. first and foremost, as opposed to seeking it solely and wholly outside of yourself.
Nah, what I mean is the course of divine love that shows up in the form of other humans. Even in the most seemingly inoppurtune times or not perfect or ideal situations.
Being fearless & open to the possibility of a thing. Saying yes, this is what I aligned with, this thing is worthy of my yes, to begin with.
Raw. & unguarded.
No filter. No armor. Just feelings. Feelings that you trust because you know yourself. You’ve healed yourself from heartaches & heartbreak that you once thought there was no coming back from. You’ve loved yourself into discernment & intuition that is aligned with the divine plans of your beloved Ancestors and spirit guides. So…you know. You know what’s real because you feel it. & trusting your journey and your path as it unfolds…know that everyone is on purpose.
Calm. Breathing Lessons by Theresa Davis. That’s the shit I need to remember seeing performed and how my heart sank and tears escaped my eyes back then…back when…I was afraid to love openly and honestly.
I’m present now. & Like Miss Simone sang:
It’s a new dawn. It’s a new day. It’s a new life
& I choose to be seen and expose: the work that had to be done, layers that had to be removed and all the ways I had to come apart and unfold…to now wear my heart on my sleeve.
So. I read and receive these words by Milk. Reminding of being in the flow…plus the urgency of expressing and sharing love, intentionally-if I’m not to happen to you, or you me.
Sans fear. Sans ego. Sans…anything that you use to deny yourself of the beautiful connections & embrace of genuine and divine love.
Hella throwback! Hi-Five? If you remember this song/can sing along to most of the words…congratulations, bih
ok, not old…let’s just say…”seasoned” or, rather…matour (mature pronounced fancy)
Either way, this song was hittin back in the day (still does). I love watching these videos from another time. Feels all historic and shit, lol. It really is the nostalgia for me. Well. Back to the title. I chose this featured image and song/video above because of the name only, in relation to what I’m about to type.
It’s more about the expectations we put on ourselves in relation to (this feels lk redundant, but ima rock wit it anyway) aging and also, the way we sometimes sabotage or postpone our own fullness and joy, by waiting for something to happen, someone to show up, something to be accomplished…in order to feel full &/or complete vs. cute/sweet intimate moments shared…as the actual song implies. It aint about that, lol.
Lil piece of advice from a veteran: Don’t hold off on your bliss.
I can’t wait til I’m married
I can't wait 'til:
I have my degree/finish grad school
I get this new car
I get a promotion
Finish this piece/project:
So I can finally rest, enjoy my life, be happy, etc.
We got it wrong. These things aren’t the root of our happiness, but they can increase our happiness and good feelings.
Everything outside of you is an enhancer.
I always say this about a relationship that's aligning and presenting itself to me:
It can enhance the vibe; but never create it.
Yes, I am ever grateful for your intentional presence in my life. I am ever grateful for the ways in which you show up & bring me more happiness. & yes, I experience exponentiated joy and bliss, but as with my joy, happiness, peace, etc.
I am the common denominator and you are simply adding to it. This person, this thing...is in addition to something that's already there.
Eat the damn cake ( I wanted to say Anna Mae at the end of that so bad). Don't hold off on your joy, your celebration of life, or celebration of yourself until AFTER.
Be here, now. Love your life, as is...now. Feel your feels. Scream into the goddamn void if you need to. Go skinny dipping. Tell your crush how you feel (do we still have those as grown ass adults?) Ima say yeah, but it's a different level- cuz we matour now...
No but like...we are only promised the present and how we spend it is so important. If you live in the States, drive across the country and explore your goddamn country. I've done it only twice & it was scary (as a Black, queer person especially through dem southern states hunni), but absolutely breathtaking. See the beauty and bask in it.
If you tryna catch flights (One of my absolute fave pastimes as Sag/9H heavy person) go visit some countries where you don't speak the same language. Fuck there's all kinds of apps n shit for that now that will assist you from interpreting the foreign language, to transportation...
& with the ever advancing technology, thank the Goddess for mobile GPS and not having to try to figure out how to get around via paper maps and getting lost like Eddy and Patsy when they went to France, lol...but, that wine tasting scene made up for all of that time they spent lost. Watch:
Do shit like that with your soul fam, your friends, your love(s)…remember to live while you are alive, not just exist. Enjoy it…now…and when you get those things you think are worthy of waiting until after.
Life is What Happens To You While You’re Busy Making Other Plans