And always, home is where my heart is-beating faithfully within my chest.
š e
home is always with/within me.
first and foremost.
A reminder. A celebrationā¦
Mercury & Mars are direct.
& I had to recollect
the story of me
Of myā¦divinity
The fact that I am loved. & adored infinitelyā¦simplyā¦
because I exist.
Give thanks.
There was a time when I would have used those iconic lyrics (sung by Angie Stone) signifying my immediate sentiments, after a relationship separation.
But, alas. At this particular time and placeā¦space in my growth; I wish you the same as I intend for me: Peace. & so much love.
For me. That includes being far, far away from you. Like I said, peace.
Iāve walked within these firestormsā¦the norm. For so long. Today and always, I step out & away from humansā¦that arenāt safe. & emotionally reckless, negligent &/or irresponsible.
Being/feeling not grounded, sucks. You notice the imbalance easier once you start living intentionally, authentically & paying tf attention.
I tried to pay attention but attention paid me.
-she will
& for that to happen (for me) I have to cut out the noise & the distractions. The demands of the outside world that holds your peaceā¦hostage.
Until youā¦
sick of making plea deals for your own sanity
Get a gripā¦
on reality
Unplug from thisā¦
status:connected (but very disconnected) fantasy
& get back to nature. Which is also meaning to get back to the root: get back to you.
It gets easier once you start to strip away layers of agreements that were made-with and without your consent.
The peaceā¦of saying ānoā is unmatched. & not in a mean, stingy way of beingā¦nah. In a selfish way of being. Yeah, selfish. If that means taking care of self, Iām for it. Not harmful to others or cruel. No.
Caring for othersā¦comes secondary to caring for you.
You are the root.
Water. You need water.
You can like someone as a person-
what they stand for, how they think and move in the world
how great of a parent they areā¦
but that still doesnāt make them compatible with you, as your partner.
Someone asked me the other day if I believe that free will is a thingā¦
One of the greatest things about being human, IMO, is free will. & choice. You are the decider of things. & I am grateful for the choice to opt out of relationships that arenāt healthy.
Itās really good to acknowledge this because just like with email subscriptions, you can unsubscribe from a relationship that is draining, too difficult, one-sided, unhealthy/toxic, etc. Or even ones that are stagnant, donāt move or excite you. & itās no hard feelings. No soft ones either, lol. Itās the indifference especially that is also a deciding factor.
Are we growing together? Individually?
Iām sitting up under the remnants of the Libra full moon. Contemplating. Full Moons are about release and letting go. So.
When you ground and connect with your body
Connect with presence..you disconnect from consumption and overconsumption of media, background noise, even your favourite binge worthy shows. Shit is wild how uninterested you become in such things.
It just donāt hit the same.
Looking at my library at the classic and the legendary
Stillness, but not being sedentary.
Connectedness to sound and color
Emphasis on: presence in interpersonal relationships.
Support. Being there. & showing up.
Intentionally.
With a grateful heart
With clarity and abundance of appreciation for the moments that you get to spend and share with your favourite and closest people.
Disconnect, to connect.
Feel the feels usually repressed
Numbed and subdued
Consumer being consumed
With same day delivery
Post Modern Fillory
You are the magician of your own destiny
Tarot, pero
I truly appreciate a soft and thoughtful woman
Donāt get it twisted, she is a powerhouse & aināt nobody fuckin with her.
She chooses gentleness with me. & reminds me that no armor is ever necessary in her presence.
Coming from strong and unforgiving worlds, we never forget our ability to maintain peace, whilst being fluent in the art of war.
Because the world
Calls for Black girls
To always be on guard..
Itās kinda weird-I feel the same, yet I feel different. Is it a psychological thing bc everybody (well, lots of folks) been screaming this ānew year, new meā shit? Along with all the memes and posts about changing who they are-miraculously overnight, lolol. Iām such a bitch sometimes, but I meanā¦seriously. You finna change all the things in 1 day š¤Ø I meannnnn, do you. Not saying itās impossible, just unrealistic. & kinda unfair, I think, to put that type of pressure on yourself.
But. Anyway. I feel different. As the same person. If that makes sense (makes sense to me, lol) and this year I did something different in that I just allowed myself to be and feel my way into the newness/different ways Iām feeling and not force the usual strict regime of ok ima do this, this and thisā¦right off the batā¦back? Ima have to look that saying up. But feeling and processing where I am, into where I want to be/end up.
If this pandemic has taught me anything: itās that we aināt in control of shit. You make plans and God/the Universe laughs. Well this pandemic is headed for a new season so idk who laughing but shit. Jokes old now. So yeah no. No added pressure to be/achieve/control. Just navigating this goddamn covid neverland and making sure my family is straight. My connections are valued, appreciated and nourished.
And I decided to do what felt right going into the new yearā¦& to do so moving forward. Feel my way. As a heavy Saturnian ruled person, Iām very much so used to logic, pragmatism, etc. as opposed to feeling/emotional centered. So. Embracing my cancer north node and following my North Star, this is what Iām doing. without effort. It just is. Flowing. I can fuck with this vibe always. In touch and in tune āØ
And accepting the feelings.
Oh, & another big one: accepting the human beings-as they show up-as they are. Because weāre all (well the people I know) just doing our fucking best. With what we got going on and where we are. Letting people off the hook is also letting yourself off the hook. Look at me sounding like a yoda thee G
But. All in all. I feel at peace. Lk excited since itās my 5H profection year this year and numerology wise 2022 is the year of The Lovers, union, playfulnessā¦just good shit. & Iām calling all of that into my experience. Beautiful ass alignment. That will blow my mind and expand my heart. Last year I purposely abstained and refrained from dating because I was intentional about getting some things done and accomplished (which I did and Iām very grateful for) that I knew I wouldnāt have the capacity for dating or entertaining any type of romantic relationship. I met some rad ass women, though. But this year, Iām aligning with a beautiful goddess and I can feel it. & Iām giving thanks in advance.
My sole focus wonāt be on romantic love, though. According to my astrologer, the way my 7H is set up, Iām supposed to live my life and have all the fun-sooooo, I plan on doing that. And there are already some things in the works that Iām very excited about and it feels very refreshing to be excited about shit again & not be attaching it to only a person/relationship. Thereās so many great things on the horizon, so Iām very much so looking forward to this chapter of much lighter energy and fun. Adventure and exploration-Iām a Sagittarius stellium; adventure, exploring and fun is my middle name(s)
Not to sound cliche but totally sounding cliche:
Itās a new dawn. Itās a new day. Itās a new life. For me. & Iām feeling good
Give thanks for 2022 and all of the amazing, beautiful divine blessings, love and magick itās bringing me. Give fucking thanks!
Dreamsā¦I like to think of them as messages from beyond. Or, even our subconscious. Could be both. Either way. These vivid ass dreams bringing lessons and reminders to the forefront-especially ones regarding love + relationships during Venus retrograde in Capricornā¦that dream is so on point.
In this one, I was transported back to Cali. And working at my old spot. There was a gorgeous woman there (that I donāt recognize in real life) who just started working there a couple months prior. We decided to go have lunch together and during lunch also decided to take the rest of the day off to spend more time together since we were having such a wonderful time.
Within those hours from lunch that ended in dinner, this woman-still canāt for the life of me figure out who she is-but remember so vividlyā¦she was so intentional and her actions reflected her interest in me. The things we spoke about and the vulnerability shared between us both..the way she supported me in a not so pleasant moment that I had earlierā¦it justā¦reminded me of all the things and ways that I deserve someone to show up for themselves, as themselves and also show up for me.
Her attentiveness, eagerness to learn more about me beyond the surface level stuff. Her gentleness and on the flip side the way she damn near cussed out an aggressive & rude waitress, lol all this shitā¦when I woke up I was likeā¦ok Universe, ok Ancestors and guidesā¦you speaking to me on some shit that I need to always remember: bare minimum effort will never cut it. Lukewarm is only good for people who prefer that temperature. Iām not one of them.
Basically Venus rx was chopping it up in my dreams. And in Capricorn no doubt. Like bitch, since you not getting it out here lemme visit you while you sleep, lolol. Also, Iām a natal Venus in Capricorn and the way that we give and love (plus add my Pisces rising to that) we go hard for the people we like, care about and love. We will do anything to make your life easier and-sometimes, (according to astrologers, a lot of times) we give too much to people that donāt deserve it. Thatās literally what my astrologer reminded me in my recent reading. That we have to be mindful of giving to those who donāt reciprocate. Those who show us that they arenāt on the same level. Also something my therapist said. She be knowin, too.
Well. That dream was divinely timed to say the least. Iām up. Iām paying attention and acting accordingly. Thatās what these retrogrades are for, right? Review. Reevaluate. Reassess. The fact that I dreamed about this mystery woman who shared and gave to me all that I want and need-even from the beginningā¦fuck. She out there. So. Yeah. I donāt mind waiting a little longer for what I deserve-I feel like this is a quote from somewhere. But. Yeah man. Give thanks for these divine messages and reminders via dreams.
How do you say:
I wanna dive deep wit you
Share energy, space, knowledge, wisdom & sheets, wit you
Silk, to Egyptian cotton
The art of courting seems to be lost on many, & to some-forgotten
& I wanna remind you & awaken the beast in you
Be peace with you
As we lay in the mutual space of love that time canāt erase
With me your heart is safe
My abundance of love is for you
How do youā¦
say this and so much more?
Like:
Mi amor
Only you I am here to worship and adore
As
Isā¦
Presence & Acknowledgements
Presence takes on a whole new meaning for me this year-a more intentional and actual/factual meaning.
Standing in the sand ocean against feet. & Being able to look so clearly at the stars in the sky. It reminds you of how smalll you are. & how bigā¦grand, vastā¦erry thing out there is. & how things are orchestrated divinely, over our own human understanding of things.
One thing that I know for sure: I am still learning and growing. And people show up exactly on time-to remind us of what being present and grounded is AND all of the ways that we may not be. Fuck.
In the midst of building a home (thank the Goddess we are nearing the finish line as the year ends, I have never felt so overwhelmed) transitioning to a whole new life and dealing with familial roots and dynamics that I havenāt been around in the last…24 or so years…itās been a lot.
But Iām very grateful for the things that Iām learning and being connected with them again. This December makes a whole ass year since Iāve been back and it has been…1 for the books, lol. & as much as everything in my body and mind was ready to head in the opposite direction āļø …there is a purpose that Iām back here now. For how long? I donāt know yet. But knowing that my presence here is for something bigger than me-for family and making sure my mum is good and in a brand new home, settled after losing everything in Hurricane Dorian…is what makes every fear and uncertainty, doubt, regret…dissipate. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about how in an instant I almost lost her and the majority of my family on my Mums side…life is…fucking wild.
& when I speak of regret and doubt-itās me speaking on my own personal demons and journey of giving up a life I have known in another country for the last 20+ years and all of the comforts, the freedom (as a queer person) and ease…that I made the very hard (but easy) decision to leave.
Because my presence was needed here. Presence. Again, that word. This reflection Iām experiencing I suppose is pretty on brand with the year coming to a close.
This post is also pertaining to a connection that I once viewed as promising and refreshing…& I still give it that, as it was. So. Now Iām boutta digress. & since my site has the word confession in it, what did you expect? Lol
Iām…hmm. Acknowledging that people are allowed to change their minds. & allowed to make decisions and choices based on whatās best for them…I have to move forward in that logical space of processing. I believe it was Chani Nicholas who posted up about Sagittarius season and called it the season of āspirited ghostingā š» & as a Sagg Moon…the shit is awful, but made sense and made me chuckle when I read it. However, itās not the best feeling when itās done to you. As anyone who has ever been on that side of the fence can attest.
Have I done it before? Iām pretty sure I have in my past. Before I grew into the person that I am now. And. So now, Iām tasked with practicing what I am always preaching (from the book The Four Agreements) & 1)doing my best to 2) not take personal someone making a personal decision for themselves. Ehhhh.
Acknowledgments.
Astrologer Danielle (one of my faves) said that your rising is there to protect your Sun. And with Pisces as my rising…umm I dunno bout that š jk, jk. Because with my Aquarius Sun and Sagg Moon…I definitely needed to have that water rising to protect my Sun (at 29Ā° Leo, no doubt) and me from being too hard, selfish, egotistical, self consumed, etc….that water is so necessary. & even though we know the fish can be a bit much sometimes, itās exactly what I needed to provide the balance necessary that I always strive towards lined up with my Air sun, Fire Moon and Earth Venus. Perfect. For me. & for whomever I end up aligned with in a relationship.
Because I understand now. And Iām so much better and letting things be exactly what they are, without attaching negatively to it, idealizing or romanticizing it to the point of delusion…Neptune can make you do that shit, lol. But. I realize that I canāt do anything with the potential of a thing, only the reality of it. Fuck.
Wisdom comes at a cost, lol. You see me here intellectually speaking on this shit, but I would be lying if I sat here typing and said that this presence and then absence of something/someone hasnāt affected me at all. Iām a human, not a robot contrary to typical Aquarius slander. Itās affected me. Not in an egotistical way though-because like I said, everyone has a right to do what is best for them & I always say that no one belongs to anyone else- but changed me in a way that has helped me grow. I was able to open up and show my vulnerable side to someone (I usually donāt that quickly-Capricorn Venus-lemme stop there because this connection has proven that I have grown) so being open and vulnerable with someone was once a challenge. But. This perfect alignment with her (be it short lived) has shown me all the the ways I have grown for the better. & not being bitter about something that I had so much hope for dissipating the way it did.
It gives me hope and I am grateful for being able to see me; as the person that I was once working to become (in relation to relating to someone Iām feeling/interested in romantically). Fuck. Because I know when I do align and connect with someone on this level again, I know that Iāve done the work and am capable of giving and sharing love, care, myself etc wholeheartedly…with only the intentions of giving and receiving the highest love. Sans unhealthy attachment, ego, none of that shit that I used to deal/rock with.
Itās fucking possible! Lol. Itās a great feeling amidst being bummed about something not going according to my own human plan-but the Universe and my Ancestors…they know whatās up and I trust them. That every redirection of energy and attention is for my highest good and the highest good of all involved.
Thatās the shit, man. Because I always say that things are always working out for me-for my highest good AND the highest good of all involved…sometimes I just wanna be selfish and just say for my own highest good, Lolol. But. Thatās not what love is. If we being real. I want shit to work for me, but also for you, too. I want it to be working for the higher good for us both. Smh. When tf did I become this person, lol. Well. I am grateful to be here, now. As I am.
Iām here to give and share real love (Cancer 5H and NN) with others. Remind them that they are worthy of the greatest love and care. Might not be from me forever, but they are worthy nonetheless. & acknowledging that I canāt do the work for anyone else but myself. & I am only responsible for me and how I choose to show up. That being said, I will never regret giving or sharing any of my love/care/concern with anyone, because itās who I am. Iām a fucking lover, man. & Iām grateful for those who see me, feel me, receive me as I am and choose to intentionally show up and reciprocate. & for the ones who donāt, canāt/are unable to for whatever reason…peace to them.
Everyone is my teacher.
Eternally grateful for my life teachers that bless me with lessons that I needed to see/learn. To help fix my vision and readjustment of frequencies. Operating from fear, or embodying of a ārunner/chaserā energy is not it. Because anything that is avoiding or running…doesnāt want to be chased. Shit makes sense donāt it? Thatās not the type of energy I desire. Iām operating from a space of love and alignment now. & knowing that I am worthy of all the love that I give out. All the good shit, I am worthy of. And as I exhale and release this long ass post of acknowledgments, I am extremely grateful to be here. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I’m going to attempt to watch something funny. One of my favourite shows. Something that would make me smile, cry real tears (not just emoji ones) of laughter and remember how much of a gift it is to be able to laugh (Shout out to Mindy Kaling and the Mindy Project. Its hilarious). A gift to feel and experience joy. Happiness. All of the moments are precious. Don’t count them, but make them count (I feel like that last line is a real quote from someone š¤)
Damn. Death sure has a way of kicking you in the balls; actual or strapped on ones-don’t matter you get the reference.
But shit. If someone kicks you in the balls (I’m assuming & also going by countless cinematic scenes where the cis gendered dude seems to be in excruciating pain š¬) you probably deserved it? Bc who does that to someone w/o reason? (Aside from men š)
Am I saying that when someone dies that we deserve to experience death/loss/grief in that way? No. That would be hella idiotic and quite a problematic statement.
What I’m saying izzzzz: We deserve to live. To remember to live, while we are here.
We deserve to be loved fully, wholly as ourselves and to give/return that same love to others. We deserve to experience the full, infinite magnitude and spectrum of love and to be in relationships that nourish & nurture us. We are here for the experience of life and living.
Nothing like a new ancestor to remind your ass to grab life by the horns (shout out to my Uncle, a Taurus, my mum and all my bulls š¤) & make your experience reflect your authentic expression.
Passion. Love. Life is living.
Goddess, bless the dead
and
bless the mortals still alive, who are playing dead…the walking dead.
Love to you in your moments. Life. The gift. Open up.
– Syn El Sol ā
“How old are you?”
I divulge my age.
“I would have never guessed that…because you look nineteen! And you speak as if you’re in your 40’s or 50’s.”
Ok. Thanks?
I just…I was fast tracked into a lot of growth over a short span of time; mentally and spiritually.
For me, before my awakening, I was SO stubborn, so selfish/SO stuck on self that the Universe was like
“ok, looks like you will have to get it this time, by any means necessary.”
And that’s what I think helped shaped me into this being that I am now and am becoming. I had to go through breaking almost to what I thought was the point of no return.
To me. Where I was. I was broken. I had to come undone to become anything that I might Be.
Some of the lowest thoughts and I was at the lowest of lows.
I didn’t know who I was. I had let a relationship, or rather the ending of a relationship crumple me up like a piece of paper…
And me
Trying to breathe
Trying to see- because my eyes became rivers
Flooding my existence and drowning my being in sorrow.
I didn’t think about tomorrow
I didn’t think
About
Sunshine
I didn’t think about, The Divine
Until
It was the right time
I had be that piece of paper crumbled up
My voice
My spirit
My soul
At that point…
If you can imagine this:
A tiny microscopic organism trying to unravel the entire sheet of paper from within.
That was the fight!
Breaking
FREE
From: Within
AxƩ.
Queer, Gifted & Black 