3-4 months

Queer

I know pain, like Kurt Cobain

Or A.I. playing, hurt the whole game

-Common
How do you love the love of your life for so long...from high school sweethearts to, still very happily and blissfully together for 33 years...then in an instant* learn that you have 3 -4 months left with them before they die?

How?

Like...it seem unfathomable. surreal. 

All those years of loving. All of the history and the memories...and the planning for the future...to now have a future of 3-4 months?

Life can be benevolent, as it can be cruel. Because on one hand the type of love, bond and connection that they have nurtured, grown and maintained for all of these years is the blessing. Getting to wake up next to the love of your life every day. A partner in life and  spouse who you adore and adores you equally...someone who knows all of your quirks, hopes, fears, dreams, secrets...someone who has vowed to never leave your side...is being made to. By life. By an aggressive cancer recently discovered. 

Her life came to a complete standstill as she contemplated what kind of life would be normal, when the most normal part of her existence would soon be gone. She contemplated her breath...because it seemed as the days passed, she forgot that it was automatic. All she knew now were monitors and doctors and tests. As her partners light grew more dim, she fought the urge every day to maintain her own. 
She felt as if her own life force was slipping away, as she watched that of her partners slowly leave, day by day.

The kids and the spiritualists these days would say some new age crap about not being attached to people and some more insensitive and love lacking bullshit. But what do they know? Have they experienced this level and depth of irrefutable love, commitment or connection? No. Of course not. They are too busy being hyper independent, unattached, closed off and afraid to swim beneath any surface that requires relinquishing their perceived power or surrendering their egos to love anyone pass their "boundaries" (no matter how unhealthy they are). 
It's easy to say "don't be attached to other people" when you've never genuinely been connected to someone.
Especially someone who has seen and loved you through your best and your worst...and chose every day to love you and show up for you...for 33 years. To cheer you on and grow with you through the changed minds, changed ideals & beliefs, changed appearances and the changes of life. Your meditation partner in the mornings. Your walking buddy in the evenings after work. Your daily reminder that the Universe/God-dess/this benevolent force that brought you this wonderful, imperfect human who is completely perfect for you...is real.

What isn't real...is the current reality, as it inches towards the most unreal future. One without the love of her life. In 3-4 months.

I wish the words above were based on fiction, but unfortunately they’re based on the very recent and current journey of two of my people. Life is wild. Strange…beautiful. & At times like these…absolutely unbelievable and heartbreaking.

Scenes. & Action

Queer

I really and truly love when I witness a work and body of art that moves me completely. I’m on the last episode of this limited series called “Scenes From A Marriage” and I’m…Disheveled to my core. & reborn.

Because I see bits and pieces in my own villain/lover original sin-love story; the similarities and reminders of one of my deepest loves. & conversations that were happening that I couldn’t fathom their meaning because I was too stuck on the in between of a deferred dream and my ideals…based on what I thought was supposed to happen.

My idealistic take on love and what being in a relationship was. Fuck me…these scenes remind me of that lucid dream. & the reality of my ex’s humanity in seeing that our dreams were parallel until they weren’t. Her raw honesty. & how sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees, based on your own hurt, or your own worth-or, perhaps lack there of.

Either way, this show really reached into the depths of me. Reminded me of reality. & how beautiful it is to be loved and be human. All of the messy and complicated parts included. So. In conclusion, I wrote some words about it:

Is there some ONE for every ONE?
Or are we simply to experience
Different lovers, different ideas & learn what the meaning is
Contained within each vessel is a lesson
A blessing
& sometimes a curse
We hurt, we scream, we cry, we mourn until...we remember our worth
& what works
& truly what doesn’t
On slippery slopes we slide
Until we collide
Until we collapse
Then perhaps
Learn the meaning
Of what isn’t
Until one day we decide to put away
The label makers
& realize the humanness of loving each other boldly & making mistakes along the way
Whose to say
That I can’t belong to me only
& give to you still
A cup that’s filled
Drinking from crystal glasses
20/20 with rose tinted spectacles
We give everyone permanency & make them a collectible
We hoard them, put them on a shelf right next to their pedestal
To be polished so we can never see them with their subtle scars & prominent scratches
We speak about the happiness
Of having them
But never fully experience them beyond the shell of our perceptions and expectations
Erase the individual wants and needs
For “we”
have done ourselves a disservice
Make it our purpose to worship
Holy, but not common ground
Just to feel safe & sound
I want you around
But only after you’ve found
Yourself.
Love your missteps
Love is politically incorrect
An emotional treasure within a shipwreck
emotional rebirth & death
On our tippy toes the closer we reach for depth
And learn to swim in the abyss
That darkness
That elicits a sharp breath
Uncontrollable we try to make it a point to hold onto that which we don’t know
Write a script for love instead of
Letting it all naturally come together and unfold
Without permission we assign roles
The rules were skewed
a long time ago...
That’s why you must decide your own
Find your home
Welcome.
Rest your bones
There a place for your comb
and your calm.

Synchronicity like a MF

LGBTQ

So. Not only did I JUST post a Blog/Journal entry about me and a married woman, but RIGHT after I post said entry, I get a Notification of a new email. Cool. I check it. & it’s a new post from a fellow Blogger more on the Spiritual level.
And
Um.yea so.

Just as I let it Go. & I released it by erasing all contacts, willingly b/c my Soul finally made its way back to the surface (Gratitude for that!)
Agh
That’s a breath full
But.
As I was saying…as I made this decision from a place of Love, the Universe confirmed BIG time my decision by sending me this via email and having me read/receive this particular message that was right on time. Give thanks.

 

Big Dyke Energy/ Family matters

Bisexual, Gay, gender, Lesbian, LGBTQ, qpoc, Queer, qwoc, sexuality, Transgender

I see pictures that are emailed
Family
& I see them smiling
All happy & content
They have not failed as parents
Their son, is now getting married to a woman.
Not another man.
They breathe a sigh of right wing religious relief
My mum can’t say the same
She thinks she will never be as happy as them

Her kinfolk
Who got it right
&
Didn’t raise

A dyke

Hmmm.
Now
How does one make up for this?
I see the church
It’s pews
The mother wearing purple sash and a shiny dress
The father: good Sunday suit with a handkerchief in his pocket
Smiles all around
Nice dresses
Nice smiles
I wonder sometimes…
Will I ever be able to fill such an holy building with family on my day?*
20131223-054827.jpg
Or will the flames be too close to my feet that they feel they may get burned…

*I have zero desire to be in a church for any reason. Especially not the Divine union with my Goddess*

P8:

Bisexual, Gay, gender, Lesbian, LGBTQ, qpoc, Queer, qwoc, sexuality, Transgender

“what are human beings
that you pay attention to them?
You’ve made them only slightly less than Divine,”

She walked up:
Eyes Low
Shiny toy guns

Shining
Knowing her Power
Her smirk gave way.
“Hey”

I,
leaning
Look her up & down and look to the sky as I mumble a small prayer..

What?

“What? Really? That’s all that you have to say?”

Smirk. Smirk. Smirk.

*she say its for tunechi: she lie wit a straight face

Bad.

“I can’t have you coming over here, looking like you do. Smelling as fucking good as you do and just begging Saturn to turn loose on my ass. You’re hella married.”

“And?!” She leaned in closer to me. I got a hit of her $300 an ounce imported fragrance.

I got as close to her ear as I could without my mouth actually touching it & whispered, “And…you’re making my dick very hard with the thoughts that I’m having about how many different ways & different positions I would fuck you in…How I would have you screaming my name over & over…until your aren’t able to speak.” I leaned back against the wall & shrugged.

“So. What the fuck, Syn. Are we fucking or…your point in saying all of that & getting my pussy wet, is what?”

“Point being…You. In those motherfucking heels & that sexy ass prowess of yours…Please, back the fuck off & tend to your wifey at home. I’m bad, but I’m good though.”