In 2004, this amazing film, Closer, was released. That shit changed my life. It certainly changed the way that I looked at adult relationships and fidelity. Fucked my lil idealistic head up, if I’m being honest. Because the truth of all this;
Being human: you gon fuck up.
Might not be adultery, but being imperfect, we not always gonna get the shit right. But. It’s also how we handle things. & how the other person handles things. Because with some shit, there’s no going backwards. For me anyway. When it comes to trust and being honest with intentions, I hold that shit in high regard.
Funnies shit about that though? Just bc you hold it in high regard, doesn’t mean that the other person does. Well. Whatever the case. Broken trust, is hard pill to swallow. & falling in love (or lust) with other people absolutely can and does happen. It’s how you handle the shit as it comes up (& openly communicate about it) that can save ya some time, energy &/or heartbreak. All in all, I didn’t want to go into a new year without creating/posting content from Closer. & remix it with a lil twitter.
I’m not Rihanna I do not love the way you lie. I will block you.
Being/feeling not grounded, sucks. You notice the imbalance easier once you start living intentionally, authentically & paying tf attention.
I tried to pay attention but attention paid me.
& for that to happen (for me) I have to cut out the noise & the distractions. The demands of the outside world that holds your peace…hostage.
Until you… sick of making plea deals for your own sanity Get a grip… on reality Unplug from this… status:connected (but very disconnected) fantasy
& get back to nature. Which is also meaning to get back to the root: get back to you.
It gets easier once you start to strip away layers of agreements that were made-with and without your consent.
The peace…of saying “no” is unmatched. & not in a mean, stingy way of being…nah. In a selfish way of being. Yeah, selfish. If that means taking care of self, I’m for it. Not harmful to others or cruel. No.
Caring for others…comes secondary to caring for you.
I used that line from 1 of my fave shows, P-Valley. If you follow any of my other socials (Twitter, Instagram) then you know how much I absolutely love this show.
Ok. So why tf is that line the title of this post?
Because I felt like it. & I felt like it because the moments that I experienced leading up to even thinking of that line, had me feeling like Murda when Keyshawn showed him the WSHH feature with them. That energy. That Soul Glo ✨ cuz you now in the process of mining ⛏ your own diamonds…& once you realize…that you are also the Diamond 💎 game fucking changer.
What a time. What a life, Jhene Aiko. Seeing your shit come to fruition-in the divinely timed order it’s sposed to ✨
The feeling of having pride in your work and what the fuck you put out into the world. & also tremendous gratitude for what was, what’s happening rn and for allllll the beautiful, magical, wonderful experiences coming.
Give thanks. Gratitude for the doors and windows 🪟 that’s opening for me-& the right ones at that. The ones that feel good. That feel at ease. That feel joyful. That’s for my highest good & the highest good if all involved. Them joints that feel right & aligned ✨ give thanks.
PODCAST: The Joyful Experience
I am so pleased, so grateful and sooo excited to be sharing this Podcast & more of myself with you.
As you will hear in the Podcast, I am a 12H sun. With Jupiter in my 8H…Capricorn Mercury and Venus…ine into foolishness.
This 12H energy has me in the cut working on self in several ways, which I’m not mad about at all. & sometimes, I am beckoned to “show my face” & in this case, share my voice.
So. Here I Am.
& I am absolutely delighted to be able to share some of my innermost thoughts & feels regarding dating and mating with Astrology-& how you relate to your own birth chart.
Big up and Big love to all of the professional astrologers that have guided me these last few years and really helped a bih understand more and grow.
I am ever grateful for every opportunity and every gift. & this Podcast was certainly that.
Big love always to my beloved colleague, fellow author, writer, bad ass Scorpio witch and friend, Kat.
Give thanks for our queer family tree that’s been growin from AOL online/chat room times (yeah we old-ish) lol. I’m hella grateful for such a wonderful opportunity. That shit was hella fun.
Someone asked me the other day if I believe that free will is a thing…
One of the greatest things about being human, IMO, is free will. & choice. You are the decider of things. & I am grateful for the choice to opt out of relationships that aren’t healthy.
It’s really good to acknowledge this because just like with email subscriptions, you can unsubscribe from a relationship that is draining, too difficult, one-sided, unhealthy/toxic, etc. Or even ones that are stagnant, don’t move or excite you. & it’s no hard feelings. No soft ones either, lol. It’s the indifference especially that is also a deciding factor.
Are we growing together? Individually?
I’m sitting up under the remnants of the Libra full moon. Contemplating. Full Moons are about release and letting go. So.
Feeling good. Peaceful. Grateful. Appreciating the way people show up and don’t show up.
& it’s all personal- to them.
Seems like it has everything to do with you, right? But it’s actually the other person. & their action or inaction is based on what they feel. What they got going on.
Man. I used to take that shit on. I’m…no longer in the business of doing that. It doesn’t interest me any longer. & if I’ve learned anything on this post modern queer journey: it’s to only do shit, participate in shit & give my energy to shit that lights me up. Feeling responsible for someone else’s feelings or lack there of, neither excites or lights me up, lol.
& I also changed my agreement.
& it feels fucking good. & tbh, along with this new growth-
Wait- holy fuck. Before I get into the feather…my manifestations have been coming in heavy lately. On some I create what I speak, abracadabra type shit and honestly? I’m here for it!
Something has shifted. & changed…me. And as a fixed sun, who tends to get fixated on the goddess of the season that I’m feeling (I say season bc it doesn’t happens all the time like that-that I consider & regard somebody in that way), it’s a very nice feeling to be at peace. Like…truly at peace. My elevation of happiness and peace is the proof (for my own experience) of what I’ve been speaking on for years:
So. To be..idk what to call it, but it feels like a wave…flow…of acceptance, acknowledgement and gratitude.
I have a tendency to say “everyone is my teacher” and I honestly feel that way. This woman taught me so much; from my current dating style and love languages to healthy boundaries and communication (& ways I need to/am working on improving). I mean..think about it. The people that come into our lives are never a mistake. I could never say I regret our relationship. Well, I mean I could say that. But it’s the subsequent growth for me, because of you, me & our dynamic.
Idc how long it lasted. It was valid, important and taught me some shit. & for that, for all my life and love teachers, I give thanks. The presence, the lessons and the blessings.
I found a white feather randomly in my bedroom. The internet “spirituality meaning” experts said this:
White feathers can seem like good luck, but it is less to do with luck and more to do with your vibration changing that is allowing better things to appear in your reality. In this way, white feathers are more a sign of “law of attraction” rather than random good luck.
If white feathers appear just as something positive has happened, it is a sign that you have shifted something on a deep level, such as a core belief system, that is allowing better things to come into your life.
Receiving white feathers from the flow of the universe is a sign that you have gone through many challenges and done the hard work to break through any limiting beliefs that have held you back. This is a period of time where you connecting and identifying with your core essence and higher self.
White feathers in this context bring a refreshed sense of hope and faith for the future and bring in the energy of gratitude and peace. You are entering into a season in your life that may be new to you, filled with gifts that the universe wants to send your way.
To see a white feather after a positive event happens means that this is a time where you should put energy and attention towards your personal and spiritual growth, so that you can continue to open up the layers that are ready to receive the gifts headed your way. You can only hold onto the capacity that your energetic container can hold, so this is a time to expand and strengthen that container.
You know, this could absolutely pms related, but I really shouldn’t be crying this much at the end of DMZ.
I don’t often talk about this or bring this up with anyone (my therapist says this is something I need to work on-she might be right 🤷🏾♂️).
Fuck, there’s so many things going through my head. Why. Why now? I was just fucking good. Not even on that vibe & this limited series really just fucking triggered me. & placed me back into the position of fetal (not literally, but, you get it).
Thinking about Mothers.
Mums and Motherhood. & the (usually?) strong bond mother and child forms.
& yeah. No I never really had that. I watch, or observe, rather, these relationship dynamic between Mum and daughter, Mum and child…& I wish I fucking had that.
To have felt 100% safe. Secure. Loved and cared for outside of “I am responsible for you, that don’t mean I gotta like you.”
Yo. I remember when that clip from the film 🎞 Fences was circulating and my Mum sent it to me.
And that was her way of saying that’s what she needed to be for me. Not to like me, not to form a closeness or friendship with me…that wasn’t part of it for her.
An emotional wound. Still fucking there. No matter how much I ignore or compartmentalize…focus on every other thing, every other aspect of my life..& I watch this series and it’s such a reminder. One that I don’t care to remember.
Providing for is not the same as emotional care or emotional intimacy.
And based on her accounts of childhood and her relationship with my grandmother; her own mother wounds have manifested into ours.
Generational trauma looks like a lot of things…
& I often times wondered if I attracted women who are emotionally unavailable, because that is what I was shown.
It’s a duty. Not a feeling. & having a child is a responsibility that you have to take care of, and as long as the other needs of the child are taken care of, the emotional ones don’t matter. You take care of your family. You do what you gotta do. But.
I assure you. I guarantee you. As someone speaking from experience…your children need more than that. Financial security and stability is one piece of the puzzle & an absolute blessing. But. The biggest piece that matters the most..to me, to this day, is love. It’s care and concern and feeling like the one person you love the most, you can trust with your feelings. With your heart.
I experienced heartache at a very young age.
Abandonment from 1 parent who was addicted to drugs and I had to be separated from via divorce (my Mum is Taurus she wasn’t having that shit) & emotional abandonment and neglect from the other parent who honestly never wanted to be a parent in the first place, & had to pick up the responsibilities of both & try to navigate life from there. I can honestly say that knowing all that I know now: she did her best.
After she divorced him it left her very stressed, overwhelmed and overworked…and under prepared to give to a child..something she herself never received from her own Mum.
This is not a love story. It’s certainly not one with the intention of bashing a woman who sacrificed everything so that I would have things. & things are nice. But, as I find even at this age: things…isn’t love.
Things can’t comfort you. Be there to support you and be a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on.
& honestly Idk if that pain ever goes away. I mean. I’ve dealt with life, as it came, on my own emotionally for many years. Since I was a teenager. So You would think I’d have the shit under control by now 🙄
Well. This is a reminder that need to set up a session with my therapist.
& Aries season…a reminder of Fire. & how we gotta face the fire; our innermost fears, things that break our hearts the most and sometimes things need to be burned down to be rebuilt again.
Also a reminder to let go of any connection that doesn’t give to me, as I give to them. Because of the way I came up as an adolescent and into adulthood…I saw through myself and through others how lonely, hard and hurtful it can be going through life having to figure shit out all on your own. And I would never want anyone to have to go through life not feeling supported or emotionally cared for or regarded. I will give and share any and everything fucking thing I possess if someone I love needs it, but I also need that to be reciprocated. That’s the thing. These unhealthy relationship dynamics teach us that we aren’t enough. & damn You know what…I would have my Chiron in Aries ♈️ you really can’t make this astrology shit up, lol.
I acknowledge that I’ve had enough of emotional deficit in my life…. so I’m receiving the ones who intentionally, genuinely and loving pour into me. Who check in on me. Who show up for me. Who congratulate me when I win. Who comfort me when I’m sad or not feeling my best. & remind me that I am worthy of love. Because I deserve it.
I truly envy folks that are close with their parents in that way. & if you don’t/didn’t have that, I just wanna remind you that no mattter what: you are worthy of love, care, concern, emotional safety, etc.
And even though you didn’t grow up choosing you bc you felt like you had so much to do & had to earn the affection or attention from your primary caregiver…I’m telling you it’s safe to do so. The scars and the wounds might not ever heal. I’m just gonna be real. But that doesn’t mean that the relationships that we form now, have to mirror that experience.
You are worthy. Just as you are. And I hope you choose people who also choose you. And show up for you in the ways you need.
Man, my back could be against every wall, but a hug and loving embrace (even if no words are exchanged) can make all the difference. A text or a conversation, shit even a song (if you know me, I LOVE music), funny memes. Bro. Showing is up is showing up. & I’m very grateful for all of my life and love teachers who have in the past and who now remind me of my worthiness. Who tell me how much they love and appreciate me. Cuz that shit really makes a difference and matters to people like me.
So yeah go watch DMZ on HBOMax, it’s really good, lol