There was a time when I would have used those iconic lyrics (sung by Angie Stone) signifying my immediate sentiments, after a relationship separation.
But, alas. At this particular time and placeā¦space in my growth; I wish you the same as I intend for me: Peace. & so much love.
For me. That includes being far, far away from you. Like I said, peace.
Iāve walked within these firestormsā¦the norm. For so long. Today and always, I step out & away from humansā¦that arenāt safe. & emotionally reckless, negligent &/or irresponsible.
In 2004, this amazing film, Closer, was released. That shit changed my life. It certainly changed the way that I looked at adult relationships and fidelity. Fucked my lil idealistic head up, if Iām being honest. Because the truth of all this;
Being human: you gon fuck up.
Might not be adultery, but being imperfect, we not always gonna get the shit right. But. Itās also how we handle things. & how the other person handles things. Because with some shit, thereās no going backwards. For me anyway. When it comes to trust and being honest with intentions, I hold that shit in high regard.
Funnies shit about that though? Just bc you hold it in high regard, doesnāt mean that the other person does. Well. Whatever the case. Broken trust, is hard pill to swallow. & falling in love (or lust) with other people absolutely can and does happen. Itās how you handle the shit as it comes up (& openly communicate about it) that can save ya some time, energy &/or heartbreak. All in all, I didnāt want to go into a new year without creating/posting content from Closer. & remix it with a lil twitter.
Iām not Rihanna I do not love the way you lie. I will block you.
Being/feeling not grounded, sucks. You notice the imbalance easier once you start living intentionally, authentically & paying tf attention.
I tried to pay attention but attention paid me.
-she will
& for that to happen (for me) I have to cut out the noise & the distractions. The demands of the outside world that holds your peaceā¦hostage.
Until you⦠sick of making plea deals for your own sanity Get a grip⦠on reality Unplug from this⦠status:connected (but very disconnected) fantasy
& get back to nature. Which is also meaning to get back to the root: get back to you.
It gets easier once you start to strip away layers of agreements that were made-with and without your consent.
The peaceā¦of saying ānoā is unmatched. & not in a mean, stingy way of beingā¦nah. In a selfish way of being. Yeah, selfish. If that means taking care of self, Iām for it. Not harmful to others or cruel. No.
Caring for othersā¦comes secondary to caring for you.
Sometimes, I just wanna bare my soul Release all this weight from this heart of gold
& simply, Let it be Rest in anotherās thoughts, anotherās regardā¦in another context We both fixed signs so we test on who does stubborn the best I guess⦠We both do.
I jest, but Iām no fool The Emperor and Magician Qing of Pentacles, Capricorn Venus
Jupiter in Scorpio 7H Virgoā¦The meanest, cleanest Rawest love That water love
Sometimes inundates Those coming from being used to half ass, low vibrational plates
Thereās only so much we can leave to fate
2 individuals on their individual missions Gotta share that Mariah Carey, vision Of love
That feels like⦠Soaking under the full moon wit your lover in a claw foot tub š absolute peace It could all beā¦if we ready
āYou not a tree, you can move!ā Coach Stormy
Also. I find it VERY interesting that Coach Stormy has an Aquarius AND a Leo stellium šš« Here is a couple tweets about her astrology:
I used that line from 1 of my fave shows, P-Valley. If you follow any of my other socials (Twitter, Instagram) then you know how much I absolutely love this show.
Ok. So why tf is that line the title of this post?
Because I felt like it. & I felt like it because the moments that I experienced leading up to even thinking of that line, had me feeling like Murda when Keyshawn showed him the WSHH feature with them. That energy. That Soul Glo ⨠cuz you now in the process of mining ā your own diamondsā¦& once you realizeā¦that you are also the Diamond š game fucking changer.
What a time. What a life, Jhene Aiko. Seeing your shit come to fruition-in the divinely timed order itās sposed to āØ
The feeling of having pride in your work and what the fuck you put out into the world. & also tremendous gratitude for what was, whatās happening rn and for allllll the beautiful, magical, wonderful experiences coming.
Give thanks. Gratitude for the doors and windows šŖ thatās opening for me-& the right ones at that. The ones that feel good. That feel at ease. That feel joyful. Thatās for my highest good & the highest good if all involved. Them joints that feel right & aligned ⨠give thanks.
PODCAST: The Joyful Experience
I am so pleased, so grateful and sooo excited to be sharing this Podcast & more of myself with you.
As you will hear in the Podcast, I am a 12H sun. With Jupiter in my 8Hā¦Capricorn Mercury and Venusā¦ine into foolishness.
This 12H energy has me in the cut working on self in several ways, which Iām not mad about at all. & sometimes, I am beckoned to āshow my faceā & in this case, share my voice.
So. Here I Am.
& I am absolutely delighted to be able to share some of my innermost thoughts & feels regarding dating and mating with Astrology-& how you relate to your own birth chart.
Big up and Big love to all of the professional astrologers that have guided me these last few years and really helped a bih understand more and grow.
I am ever grateful for every opportunity and every gift. & this Podcast was certainly that.
Big love always to my beloved colleague, fellow author, writer, bad ass Scorpio witch and friend, Kat.
Give thanks for our queer family tree thatās been growin from AOL online/chat room times (yeah we old-ish) lol. Iām hella grateful for such a wonderful opportunity. That shit was hella fun.
Syncere, Guest Host. The Joyful Experience Podcast, August, 2022
Someone asked me the other day if I believe that free will is a thingā¦
One of the greatest things about being human, IMO, is free will. & choice. You are the decider of things. & I am grateful for the choice to opt out of relationships that arenāt healthy.
Itās really good to acknowledge this because just like with email subscriptions, you can unsubscribe from a relationship that is draining, too difficult, one-sided, unhealthy/toxic, etc. Or even ones that are stagnant, donāt move or excite you. & itās no hard feelings. No soft ones either, lol. Itās the indifference especially that is also a deciding factor.
Are we growing together? Individually?
Iām sitting up under the remnants of the Libra full moon. Contemplating. Full Moons are about release and letting go. So.
Feeling good. Peaceful. Grateful. Appreciating the way people show up and donāt show up.
& itās all personal- to them.
Seems like it has everything to do with you, right? But itās actually the other person. & their action or inaction is based on what they feel. What they got going on.
Man. I used to take that shit on. Iāmā¦no longer in the business of doing that. It doesnāt interest me any longer. & if Iāve learned anything on this post modern queer journey: itās to only do shit, participate in shit & give my energy to shit that lights me up. Feeling responsible for someone elseās feelings or lack there of, neither excites or lights me up, lol.
& I also changed my agreement.
& it feels fucking good. & tbh, along with this new growth-
Wait- holy fuck. Before I get into the featherā¦my manifestations have been coming in heavy lately. On some I create what I speak, abracadabra type shit and honestly? Iām here for it!
Something has shifted. & changedā¦me. And as a fixed sun, who tends to get fixated on the goddess of the season that Iām feeling (I say season bc it doesnāt happens all the time like that-that I consider & regard somebody in that way), itās a very nice feeling to be at peace. Likeā¦truly at peace. My elevation of happiness and peace is the proof (for my own experience) of what Iāve been speaking on for years:
So. To be..idk what to call it, but it feels like a waveā¦flowā¦of acceptance, acknowledgement and gratitude.
I have a tendency to say āeveryone is my teacherā and I honestly feel that way. This woman taught me so much; from my current dating style and love languages to healthy boundaries and communication (& ways I need to/am working on improving). I mean..think about it. The people that come into our lives are never a mistake. I could never say I regret our relationship. Well, I mean I could say that. But itās the subsequent growth for me, because of you, me & our dynamic.
Idc how long it lasted. It was valid, important and taught me some shit. & for that, for all my life and love teachers, I give thanks. The presence, the lessons and the blessings.
I found a white feather randomly in my bedroom. The internet āspirituality meaningā experts said this:
White feathers can seem like good luck, but it is less to do with luck and more to do with your vibration changing that is allowing better things to appear in your reality. In this way, white feathers are more a sign of ālaw of attractionā rather than random good luck.
If white feathers appear just as something positive has happened, it is a sign that you have shifted something on a deep level, such as a core belief system, that is allowing better things to come into your life.
Receiving white feathers from the flow of the universe is a sign that you have gone through many challenges and done the hard work to break through any limiting beliefs that have held you back. This is a period of time where you connecting and identifying with your core essence and higher self.
White feathers in this context bring a refreshed sense of hope and faith for the future and bring in the energy of gratitude and peace. You are entering into a season in your life that may be new to you, filled with gifts that the universe wants to send your way.
To see a white feather after a positive event happens means that this is a time where you should put energy and attention towards your personal and spiritual growth, so that you can continue to open up the layers that are ready to receive the gifts headed your way. You can only hold onto the capacity that your energetic container can hold, so this is a time to expand and strengthen that container.
You know, this could absolutely pms related, but I really shouldnāt be crying this much at the end of DMZ.
Itās…hmmm.
I donāt often talk about this or bring this up with anyone (my therapist says this is something I need to work on-she might be right š¤·š¾āāļø).
Fuck, thereās so many things going through my head. Why. Why now? I was just fucking good. Not even on that vibe & this limited series really just fucking triggered me. & placed me back into the position of fetal (not literally, but, you get it).
Thinking about Mothers.
Mums and Motherhood. & the (usually?) strong bond mother and child forms.
& yeah. No I never really had that. I watch, or observe, rather, these relationship dynamic between Mum and daughter, Mum and child…& I wish I fucking had that.
To have felt 100% safe. Secure. Loved and cared for outside of āI am responsible for you, that donāt mean I gotta like you.ā
Yo. I remember when that clip from the film š Fences was circulating and my Mum sent it to me.
And that was her way of saying thatās what she needed to be for me. Not to like me, not to form a closeness or friendship with me…that wasnāt part of it for her.
An emotional wound. Still fucking there. No matter how much I ignore or compartmentalize…focus on every other thing, every other aspect of my life..& I watch this series and itās such a reminder. One that I donāt care to remember.
Providing for is not the same as emotional care or emotional intimacy.
And based on her accounts of childhood and her relationship with my grandmother; her own mother wounds have manifested into ours.
Generational trauma looks like a lot of things…
& I often times wondered if I attracted women who are emotionally unavailable, because that is what I was shown.
Itās a duty. Not a feeling. & having a child is a responsibility that you have to take care of, and as long as the other needs of the child are taken care of, the emotional ones donāt matter. You take care of your family. You do what you gotta do. But.
I assure you. I guarantee you. As someone speaking from experience…your children need more than that. Financial security and stability is one piece of the puzzle & an absolute blessing. But. The biggest piece that matters the most..to me, to this day, is love. Itās care and concern and feeling like the one person you love the most, you can trust with your feelings. With your heart.
I experienced heartache at a very young age.
Abandonment from 1 parent who was addicted to drugs and I had to be separated from via divorce (my Mum is Taurus she wasnāt having that shit) & emotional abandonment and neglect from the other parent who honestly never wanted to be a parent in the first place, & had to pick up the responsibilities of both & try to navigate life from there. I can honestly say that knowing all that I know now: she did her best.
After she divorced him it left her very stressed, overwhelmed and overworked…and under prepared to give to a child..something she herself never received from her own Mum.
This is not a love story. Itās certainly not one with the intention of bashing a woman who sacrificed everything so that I would have things. & things are nice. But, as I find even at this age: things…isnāt love.
Things canāt comfort you. Be there to support you and be a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on.
& honestly Idk if that pain ever goes away. I mean. Iāve dealt with life, as it came, on my own emotionally for many years. Since I was a teenager. So You would think Iād have the shit under control by now š
Well. This is a reminder that need to set up a session with my therapist.
& Aries season…a reminder of Fire. & how we gotta face the fire; our innermost fears, things that break our hearts the most and sometimes things need to be burned down to be rebuilt again.
Also a reminder to let go of any connection that doesnāt give to me, as I give to them. Because of the way I came up as an adolescent and into adulthood…I saw through myself and through others how lonely, hard and hurtful it can be going through life having to figure shit out all on your own. And I would never want anyone to have to go through life not feeling supported or emotionally cared for or regarded. I will give and share any and everything fucking thing I possess if someone I love needs it, but I also need that to be reciprocated. Thatās the thing. These unhealthy relationship dynamics teach us that we arenāt enough. & damn You know what…I would have my Chiron in Aries āļø you really canāt make this astrology shit up, lol.
I acknowledge that Iāve had enough of emotional deficit in my life…. so Iām receiving the ones who intentionally, genuinely and loving pour into me. Who check in on me. Who show up for me. Who congratulate me when I win. Who comfort me when Iām sad or not feeling my best. & remind me that I am worthy of love. Because I deserve it.
I truly envy folks that are close with their parents in that way. & if you donāt/didnāt have that, I just wanna remind you that no mattter what: you are worthy of love, care, concern, emotional safety, etc.
And even though you didnāt grow up choosing you bc you felt like you had so much to do & had to earn the affection or attention from your primary caregiver…Iām telling you itās safe to do so. The scars and the wounds might not ever heal. Iām just gonna be real. But that doesnāt mean that the relationships that we form now, have to mirror that experience.
You are worthy. Just as you are. And I hope you choose people who also choose you. And show up for you in the ways you need.
Man, my back could be against every wall, but a hug and loving embrace (even if no words are exchanged) can make all the difference. A text or a conversation, shit even a song (if you know me, I LOVE music), funny memes. Bro. Showing is up is showing up. & Iām very grateful for all of my life and love teachers who have in the past and who now remind me of my worthiness. Who tell me how much they love and appreciate me. Cuz that shit really makes a difference and matters to people like me.
So yeah go watch DMZ on HBOMax, itās really good, lol