Someone asked me the other day if I believe that free will is a thing…
One of the greatest things about being human, IMO, is free will. & choice. You are the decider of things. & I am grateful for the choice to opt out of relationships that aren’t healthy.
It’s really good to acknowledge this because just like with email subscriptions, you can unsubscribe from a relationship that is draining, too difficult, one-sided, unhealthy/toxic, etc. Or even ones that are stagnant, don’t move or excite you. & it’s no hard feelings. No soft ones either, lol. It’s the indifference especially that is also a deciding factor.
Are we growing together? Individually?
I’m sitting up under the remnants of the Libra full moon. Contemplating. Full Moons are about release and letting go. So.
As I’m sitting here, a random neighborhood dog is barking sporadically in the distance.
The only other sounds I’m hearing are the rain & a little bit of thunder.
I can fuck with the vibe this morning on this good ass Friday.
I’m thinking about how if certain people hadn’t entered my life, life would look SOOOOOO different for me. I think. I’m almost believing it. Because of that one relationship, it was such a catalyst to my life unfolding the way it did.
& I met this person through an ex person.
I swear to fuck that meme that you’ve probably seen about no one coming into your life by accident, that shit is true asfffffffff!
Wow. Someone who was once such a huge part of my life for so long, the relationship and connection no longer exists. One thing I’ve learned in my big life:
You might have to end up mourning the living.
But. Life goes on. You grieve it. & the grief comes and goes-as in any loss. But all I can think of in this current moment is how extremely grateful for that person I am. The experiences, memories, connection, kinship…really taught me about platonic soulmates and & what it means to be a friend. How someone shows up for you, fights for you, rides with you and stays by your side-
They for you. They wit the shits…Except when it was time to grow. & be accountable. To evolve.
Listen. We can’t change other people. All we can do is love ‘em (or not)-
perhaps you might have to love them from a distance or even…love them only from the memories and dassit.
But still, the years and the love, sweat, tears, laughter, etc.etc.etc. that helped me get to me, where I am, as I am, now.
& right now, I am inundated with gratitude and love as I’m about to go clean my house and then peel some potatoes 🥔 cuz family is coming over and everyone is bringing their dishes and breaking bread; sharing love and really…that’s what also helps you appreciate the old memories; being present and making new ones. With new energies to learn from and co-create with. I’m loving this place. This space. Of understanding. Clarity feels nice. Discernment is always good. & I am grateful for the way my life is brilliantly unfolding.
What comes let it come. What goes, let it go. And as always:
And the more I connect with nature, myself…learning my self, as I am evolving and continuous unlearning-in real time.
I honestly and truly can say that I appreciate the pace and the flow in my life. & Every time I hear Sir sing these words, I feel the fuck outta the lyrics:
Cuz life is so much better when you live in slow motion…
I take that to be very intentional about what shows up in your (my) experiences. & being present, taking life at a slower pace; a space that allows you the space to breathe 🧘🏾♂️ and make decisions and to choose, from love (& mostly peace). I’ve come from a former life of always being on the go & in this half…life is meant to be (& is/will continue to be) enjoyed and experienced . Loved and lived on my terms. My terms happen to include family, fresh air, the beach and a whole lot of traveling, at my leisure. So.
I intended to post this about…10 hours ago. Got caught up in the preparation of family coming over and life in real time. All good tings, tho.
When you ground and connect with your body Connect with presence..you disconnect from consumption and overconsumption of media, background noise, even your favourite binge worthy shows. Shit is wild how uninterested you become in such things.
It just don’t hit the same. Looking at my library at the classic and the legendary
Stillness, but not being sedentary.
Connectedness to sound and color Emphasis on: presence in interpersonal relationships. Support. Being there. & showing up. Intentionally. With a grateful heart With clarity and abundance of appreciation for the moments that you get to spend and share with your favourite and closest people.
Disconnect, to connect. Feel the feels usually repressed Numbed and subdued Consumer being consumed With same day delivery Post Modern Fillory
You are the magician of your own destiny Tarot, pero
It’s kinda weird-I feel the same, yet I feel different. Is it a psychological thing bc everybody (well, lots of folks) been screaming this “new year, new me” shit? Along with all the memes and posts about changing who they are-miraculously overnight, lolol. I’m such a bitch sometimes, but I mean…seriously. You finna change all the things in 1 day 🤨 I meannnnn, do you. Not saying it’s impossible, just unrealistic. & kinda unfair, I think, to put that type of pressure on yourself.
But. Anyway. I feel different. As the same person. If that makes sense (makes sense to me, lol) and this year I did something different in that I just allowed myself to be and feel my way into the newness/different ways I’m feeling and not force the usual strict regime of ok ima do this, this and this…right off the bat…back? Ima have to look that saying up. But feeling and processing where I am, into where I want to be/end up.
If this pandemic has taught me anything: it’s that we ain’t in control of shit. You make plans and God/the Universe laughs. Well this pandemic is headed for a new season so idk who laughing but shit. Jokes old now. So yeah no. No added pressure to be/achieve/control. Just navigating this goddamn covid neverland and making sure my family is straight. My connections are valued, appreciated and nourished.
And I decided to do what felt right going into the new year…& to do so moving forward. Feel my way. As a heavy Saturnian ruled person, I’m very much so used to logic, pragmatism, etc. as opposed to feeling/emotional centered. So. Embracing my cancer north node and following my North Star, this is what I’m doing. without effort. It just is. Flowing. I can fuck with this vibe always. In touch and in tune ✨
And accepting the feelings.
Oh, & another big one: accepting the human beings-as they show up-as they are. Because we’re all (well the people I know) just doing our fucking best. With what we got going on and where we are. Letting people off the hook is also letting yourself off the hook. Look at me sounding like a yoda thee G
But. All in all. I feel at peace. Lk excited since it’s my 5H profection year this year and numerology wise 2022 is the year of The Lovers, union, playfulness…just good shit. & I’m calling all of that into my experience. Beautiful ass alignment. That will blow my mind and expand my heart. Last year I purposely abstained and refrained from dating because I was intentional about getting some things done and accomplished (which I did and I’m very grateful for) that I knew I wouldn’t have the capacity for dating or entertaining any type of romantic relationship. I met some rad ass women, though. But this year, I’m aligning with a beautiful goddess and I can feel it. & I’m giving thanks in advance.
My sole focus won’t be on romantic love, though. According to my astrologer, the way my 7H is set up, I’m supposed to live my life and have all the fun-sooooo, I plan on doing that. And there are already some things in the works that I’m very excited about and it feels very refreshing to be excited about shit again & not be attaching it to only a person/relationship. There’s so many great things on the horizon, so I’m very much so looking forward to this chapter of much lighter energy and fun. Adventure and exploration-I’m a Sagittarius stellium; adventure, exploring and fun is my middle name(s)
Not to sound cliche but totally sounding cliche:
It’s a new dawn. It’s a new day. It’s a new life. For me. & I’m feeling good
Give thanks for 2022 and all of the amazing, beautiful divine blessings, love and magick it’s bringing me. Give fucking thanks!
How do you say: I wanna dive deep wit you Share energy, space, knowledge, wisdom & sheets, wit you Silk, to Egyptian cotton The art of courting seems to be lost on many, & to some-forgotten & I wanna remind you & awaken the beast in you Be peace with you As we lay in the mutual space of love that time can’t erase With me your heart is safe My abundance of love is for you
How do you… say this and so much more? Like: Mi amor Only you I am here to worship and adore As Is…
I wrote this piece with someone in mind. As sort of a love poem, love affirmation and manifestation. But somewhere, somehow shit got lost in translation…lost in space. But found on time. I am grateful for all of my love& life teachers, regardless of length of stay. I love being inspired and moved to write words dedicated to love. That’s the root. Everything else stems from that. So. I give thanks for presence and the essence of divinity. The reminder that love is beautiful and free. & the hope of a thing also makes life more beautiful.
I’m writing you poetry And consistently show you The love that you deserve Intentionally, slowly Unfold you like the most delicate petals of a rose 🌹 I will leave you whole and not pluck you But know every day I always wanna fuck you- & love you. & I will always pick you While leaving your roots room to grow, too
You are my Queen bee and my flower Love you enough to relinquish power & control Behold, the ferocious Goddess & that’s being modest Cuz there aren’t enough words to describe your beauty truly Divine You and I are truly aligned The Universe and my Ancestors are so benevolent and kind
They way they placed us together You’re my most valued treasure Loving you is so easy. Loving you takes no effort. I give thanks for mutual effort Mutual love and healthy obsession Learning in real time that I’ve mastered the lessons Every day I am in awe of your special Gas you and fill you up until you’re an overflowing vessel Of love that radiates Nothing and no one predates Our chemistry and energy The way we love each other, intentionally the generosity and blessings within our connection Is unprecedented You found me and gave to me-thee Sweetest love Your care, your affection and your time
Thank you for appreciating me Thank you for adoring me Thank you for reciprocity and for loving and receiving me
Thank you for being solid And easy like Sunday morning A Sunday kind of love is what you give every day and it’s what I’ve always wanted Thank you for that beautiful smile Thank you for taking the time to get to know me on deeper levels Your love helped me discard that hard fixed sign shell & invited me to openness I will always love you on purpose
Each and every day & in every way You bring me such joy and cognizance Learned to lead with my heart over the simply logical sense I love our attraction, I love our passion-it’s so intense
In the best ways I’m excited to spend time with you knowing that these aren’t even my best days I prayed For someone like you and here you are Love- a beautiful reminder that love knows no distance and is never far away
I know that heaven is a place on Earth and it’s with you Every day is beautiful and better than the next I love our openness The vulnerability We are on the road to free Just had to make some stops along the way I love when you message me, I love hearing your voice-it makes my night and day So much better I love reading your love letters I love receiving your love…and sharing mine with you
That’s it…that’s the tweet Blog. Ok that’s not it, but damn…this Instagram post stopped me in my fucking tracks and I HAD to share it on my Story and now, here. Because I don’t want to forget it. I don’t ever want to forget the moments that led me to this post. And how divinely timed this shit was.
The fact that I had been playing “Real Love Baby” when I first saw this post also solidified what my guides were trying to tell & remind me:
That settling for lukewarm or bare minimum effort and love is not the business. That I am worthy of a love so sublime and so divine, that it reminds me of love; that I am love(d).
Every bone in my body will be sure. With love and humans coinciding-she doesn’t have to be perfect to be the antidote, the cure…
pure vibes and love. A love affair and love story to rival any epic tale. A love that’s real. And ready. & open and willing to move through the discomfort and the temporary. My love will choose me as I do her, endlessly. She will be solid in her love and intention, not on the fence about me. Not perfect, but perfect…for me.
I could write and write and write…but I’m gonna keep it brief and soak in the words above. A reminder of a perfect love for me. Imperfectly existing, never waning or drifting. Gifting me with her presence and consistency…hold her down as she lifts me. Transporting me to heights not reached previously. & honestly nobody else exists to me… Real Love, Baby
Presence takes on a whole new meaning for me this year-a more intentional and actual/factual meaning.
Standing in the sand ocean against feet. & Being able to look so clearly at the stars in the sky. It reminds you of how smalll you are. & how big…grand, vast…erry thing out there is. & how things are orchestrated divinely, over our own human understanding of things.
One thing that I know for sure: I am still learning and growing. And people show up exactly on time-to remind us of what being present and grounded is AND all of the ways that we may not be. Fuck.
In the midst of building a home (thank the Goddess we are nearing the finish line as the year ends, I have never felt so overwhelmed) transitioning to a whole new life and dealing with familial roots and dynamics that I haven’t been around in the last…24 or so years…it’s been a lot.
But I’m very grateful for the things that I’m learning and being connected with them again. This December makes a whole ass year since I’ve been back and it has been…1 for the books, lol. & as much as everything in my body and mind was ready to head in the opposite direction ✈️ …there is a purpose that I’m back here now. For how long? I don’t know yet. But knowing that my presence here is for something bigger than me-for family and making sure my mum is good and in a brand new home, settled after losing everything in Hurricane Dorian…is what makes every fear and uncertainty, doubt, regret…dissipate. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about how in an instant I almost lost her and the majority of my family on my Mums side…life is…fucking wild.
& when I speak of regret and doubt-it’s me speaking on my own personal demons and journey of giving up a life I have known in another country for the last 20+ years and all of the comforts, the freedom (as a queer person) and ease…that I made the very hard (but easy) decision to leave.
Because my presence was needed here. Presence. Again, that word. This reflection I’m experiencing I suppose is pretty on brand with the year coming to a close.
This post is also pertaining to a connection that I once viewed as promising and refreshing…& I still give it that, as it was. So. Now I’m boutta digress. & since my site has the word confession in it, what did you expect? Lol
I’m…hmm. Acknowledging that people are allowed to change their minds. & allowed to make decisions and choices based on what’s best for them…I have to move forward in that logical space of processing. I believe it was Chani Nicholas who posted up about Sagittarius season and called it the season of “spirited ghosting” 👻 & as a Sagg Moon…the shit is awful, but made sense and made me chuckle when I read it. However, it’s not the best feeling when it’s done to you. As anyone who has ever been on that side of the fence can attest.
Have I done it before? I’m pretty sure I have in my past. Before I grew into the person that I am now. And. So now, I’m tasked with practicing what I am always preaching (from the book The Four Agreements) & 1)doing my best to 2) not take personal someone making a personal decision for themselves. Ehhhh.
Astrologer Danielle (one of my faves) said that your rising is there to protect your Sun. And with Pisces as my rising…umm I dunno bout that 😂 jk, jk. Because with my Aquarius Sun and Sagg Moon…I definitely needed to have that water rising to protect my Sun (at 29° Leo, no doubt) and me from being too hard, selfish, egotistical, self consumed, etc….that water is so necessary. & even though we know the fish can be a bit much sometimes, it’s exactly what I needed to provide the balance necessary that I always strive towards lined up with my Air sun, Fire Moon and Earth Venus. Perfect. For me. & for whomever I end up aligned with in a relationship.
Because I understand now. And I’m so much better and letting things be exactly what they are, without attaching negatively to it, idealizing or romanticizing it to the point of delusion…Neptune can make you do that shit, lol. But. I realize that I can’t do anything with the potential of a thing, only the reality of it. Fuck.
Wisdom comes at a cost, lol. You see me here intellectually speaking on this shit, but I would be lying if I sat here typing and said that this presence and then absence of something/someone hasn’t affected me at all. I’m a human, not a robot contrary to typical Aquarius slander. It’s affected me. Not in an egotistical way though-because like I said, everyone has a right to do what is best for them & I always say that no one belongs to anyone else- but changed me in a way that has helped me grow. I was able to open up and show my vulnerable side to someone (I usually don’t that quickly-Capricorn Venus-lemme stop there because this connection has proven that I have grown) so being open and vulnerable with someone was once a challenge. But. This perfect alignment with her (be it short lived) has shown me all the the ways I have grown for the better. & not being bitter about something that I had so much hope for dissipating the way it did.
It gives me hope and I am grateful for being able to see me; as the person that I was once working to become (in relation to relating to someone I’m feeling/interested in romantically). Fuck. Because I know when I do align and connect with someone on this level again, I know that I’ve done the work and am capable of giving and sharing love, care, myself etc wholeheartedly…with only the intentions of giving and receiving the highest love. Sans unhealthy attachment, ego, none of that shit that I used to deal/rock with.
It’s fucking possible! Lol. It’s a great feeling amidst being bummed about something not going according to my own human plan-but the Universe and my Ancestors…they know what’s up and I trust them. That every redirection of energy and attention is for my highest good and the highest good of all involved.
That’s the shit, man. Because I always say that things are always working out for me-for my highest good AND the highest good of all involved…sometimes I just wanna be selfish and just say for my own highest good, Lolol. But. That’s not what love is. If we being real. I want shit to work for me, but also for you, too. I want it to be working for the higher good for us both. Smh. When tf did I become this person, lol. Well. I am grateful to be here, now. As I am.
I’m here to give and share real love (Cancer 5H and NN) with others. Remind them that they are worthy of the greatest love and care. Might not be from me forever, but they are worthy nonetheless. & acknowledging that I can’t do the work for anyone else but myself. & I am only responsible for me and how I choose to show up. That being said, I will never regret giving or sharing any of my love/care/concern with anyone, because it’s who I am. I’m a fucking lover, man. & I’m grateful for those who see me, feel me, receive me as I am and choose to intentionally show up and reciprocate. & for the ones who don’t, can’t/are unable to for whatever reason…peace to them.
Everyone is my teacher.
Eternally grateful for my life teachers that bless me with lessons that I needed to see/learn. To help fix my vision and readjustment of frequencies. Operating from fear, or embodying of a “runner/chaser” energy is not it. Because anything that is avoiding or running…doesn’t want to be chased. Shit makes sense don’t it? That’s not the type of energy I desire. I’m operating from a space of love and alignment now. & knowing that I am worthy of all the love that I give out. All the good shit, I am worthy of. And as I exhale and release this long ass post of acknowledgments, I am extremely grateful to be here. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I write these words on my solar return-It’s so important to honor your growth. & acknowledge your humanity-as you honor your divinity. Give thanks for all the lessons & blessings along the journey. Everything is necessary.
I love myself.
I love who I have been. all the mistakes and imperfections and repercussions along the way (Saturn co-rules Aquarius) 🪐
All the blessings. The lessons. The humans I’ve been gifted with time, love & presence...
What a ride. What a life.
Perfectly unfolding & expanding in ways that align with my souls highest calling. I had to get clear.
& bare witness To the sweetness and...the fuck shit.
Perpetuated by myself et al. that led to newer & greater understanding Healthy boundaries & hella grounding The steps & missteps that led me to being here.
Choices, decisions & moves that weren’t always for my highest good or that of others, tbh that led me to healing & accountability That led me...to expose me- to me; my most difficult & willing critic.
Plutonian transformations I could conjure several dissertations And name them: The Battle with the Shadow Pierced By Your Own Arrow Deaths of the False Faces
Rising in divinity, and falling from graces To some I’ll always be the devil To others, their forever angel
I can be both. I have been “the most” Esp when consorting with folx whose love language is unaccountability With nobility
Neptunian energy I wasn’t able to see Until I began my journey with plant medicine reflecting on my reflections Respect for the spirits & elements Shrooms in Big Sur...quite a fucking inception
Stopped looking/seeking outward and realized that I-was the only exception
Par Amour & started to pour Into self before Extending from a deficit
Intentions became clearer.
Pure, Water bearer. ~2.18~ ♒️ Another trip around the Sun. All things align. ~Syn
ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE VALID, NO MATTER WHAT THEY LOOK OR SEEM LIKE TO OTHERS. I THINK IT’S SO IMPORTANT & HEALTHY TO CENTER CONNECTION-IN WHATEVER FORMS THEY MANIFEST AS LONG AS IT’S HEALTHY FOR ALL INVOLVED.
I CAN’T IMAGINE NOT APPRECIATING OR DISMISSING GENUINE & INTENTIONAL LOVE/CONNECTION BECAUSE IT DOESN’T FIT INSIDE OF A BOX.
Oh, lemme just say that all caps above is from the font I was using on my IG Story that I decided to turn into this blog entry. I never use all caps like that. But I damn sure wasn’t about to retype it, lol.
So. Anyway. Back to the ideas of love & relationships fitting neatly into boxes…one thing that I learned and realized is that love is all encompassing & should never try to be contained-especially to maintain the hierarchical, patriarchal, heteronormative lens..nah. Being a queer person that shit does not work for me any longer. I’m grateful to be learning more as I grow further. & relationship anarchy is a term I’ve just recently learned.
We shouldn’t deny ourselves the pleasure and joy of loving and co-creating happiness with other humans-based on views that say it has to look this particular way or be this particular thing in order to be valid or deemed important.
Yo. Have you lived in this world? With all of the virtual everything, dependency on machines rather than humans/replacing human interaction & connection…society is disconnected enough. We should want to be connected (oh the redundancy of this word) as much as we can in a society that wants us to be separatists, unhappy, dependent on things that numb us…yo. If I connect with someone genuinely (& mutually) in any capacity, I am grateful.
I’m typically speaking of friendship, non sexual, community, etc. Friends that become family. Humans that you are close to but only see like once a year or longer for some, but still very connected. Humans that I would absolutely coparent with-but have no sexual or romantic relationship with. People that we become close to after dealing with them strictly on an online basis. Listen, I’m Uranus ruled via my Sun & my Mercury-so online friends is a thing for me. Some of my dearest people I’ve met online. So. To dismiss any of those relationships and say they aren’t valid would be a loss to the greater sense of my own personal community of humans.
Love will never belong in a box
And as a Capricorn Venus, I admit that in romantic relationships I am a bit more “traditional” in the sense that I am a monogamous person who prefers & thrives in stability and longevity. I don’t think that will every change. But, what does that look like outside and inside of those parameters? I’m more concerned with loving and experiencing the person. Intimacy and connection. Even if it doesn’t happen in the most typical or traditional way. So. I’m not denying or suppressing my love or feelings-if they there, they are there and happening on purpose. We can figure out the other details in time, but love for me, is what’s most important. And being moved by someone. Inspired by them. In awe of them and their human and divine expression. I give a shit about that. Not a box 📦 of neatly arranged and controlled, or worse, suppressed emotions.
Love is constant. & happens because it is supposed to. When it’s supposed to individuals on their journey. I would be a fool to deny such a beautiful gift.
How do you love the love of your life for so long...from high school sweethearts to, still very happily and blissfully together for 33 years...then in an instant* learn that you have 3 -4 months left with them before they die?
Like...it seem unfathomable. surreal.
All those years of loving. All of the history and the memories...and the planning for the future...to now have a future of 3-4 months?
Life can be benevolent, as it can be cruel. Because on one hand the type of love, bond and connection that they have nurtured, grown and maintained for all of these years is the blessing. Getting to wake up next to the love of your life every day. A partner in life and spouse who you adore and adores you equally...someone who knows all of your quirks, hopes, fears, dreams, secrets...someone who has vowed to never leave your side...is being made to. By life. By an aggressive cancer recently discovered.
Her life came to a complete standstill as she contemplated what kind of life would be normal, when the most normal part of her existence would soon be gone. She contemplated her breath...because it seemed as the days passed, she forgot that it was automatic. All she knew now were monitors and doctors and tests. As her partners light grew more dim, she fought the urge every day to maintain her own.
She felt as if her own life force was slipping away, as she watched that of her partners slowly leave, day by day.
The kids and the spiritualists these days would say some new age crap about not being attached to people and some more insensitive and love lacking bullshit. But what do they know? Have they experienced this level and depth of irrefutable love, commitment or connection? No. Of course not. They are too busy being hyper independent, unattached, closed off and afraid to swim beneath any surface that requires relinquishing their perceived power or surrendering their egos to love anyone pass their "boundaries" (no matter how unhealthy they are).
It's easy to say "don't be attached to other people" when you've never genuinely been connected to someone.
Especially someone who has seen and loved you through your best and your worst...and chose every day to love you and show up for you...for 33 years. To cheer you on and grow with you through the changed minds, changed ideals & beliefs, changed appearances and the changes of life. Your meditation partner in the mornings. Your walking buddy in the evenings after work. Your daily reminder that the Universe/God-dess/this benevolent force that brought you this wonderful, imperfect human who is completely perfect for you...is real.
What isn't real...is the current reality, as it inches towards the most unreal future. One without the love of her life. In 3-4 months.
I wish the words above were based on fiction, but unfortunately they’re based on the very recent and current journey of two of my people. Life is wild. Strange…beautiful. & At times like these…absolutely unbelievable and heartbreaking.
Like…how do you get this in tune, this aligned with life and all of life’s surprises and feelings. & meaning. & write some shit like this?!
Sometimes i just post lyrics. Because. The lyrics are so good that they alone, deserve the spotlight. This song and it’s lyrics, I forgot about til Spotify reminded me via my Aqualung track radio. I…yeah here are the lyrics:
I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me,
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel... feel what it's like to be new.
'Cause in my head
There's a Greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts
To far-off destinations
So they may have a chance
Of finding a place where they're
Far more suited than here.
I cannot guess what we'll discover
When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels,
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another's
And not one speck will remain.
I do believe it's true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes,
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too.
So brown eyes, I'll hold you near,
'Cause you're the only song I want to hear.
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere.
Where soul meets body...