And always, home is where my heart is-beating faithfully within my chest.
š e
home is always with/within me.
first and foremost.
A reminder. A celebrationā¦
Mercury & Mars are direct.
& I had to recollect
the story of me
Of myā¦divinity
The fact that I am loved. & adored infinitelyā¦simplyā¦
because I exist.
Give thanks.
In 2004, this amazing film, Closer, was released. That shit changed my life. It certainly changed the way that I looked at adult relationships and fidelity. Fucked my lil idealistic head up, if Iām being honest. Because the truth of all this;
Being human: you gon fuck up.
Might not be adultery, but being imperfect, we not always gonna get the shit right. But. Itās also how we handle things. & how the other person handles things. Because with some shit, thereās no going backwards. For me anyway. When it comes to trust and being honest with intentions, I hold that shit in high regard.
Funnies shit about that though? Just bc you hold it in high regard, doesnāt mean that the other person does. Well. Whatever the case. Broken trust, is hard pill to swallow. & falling in love (or lust) with other people absolutely can and does happen. Itās how you handle the shit as it comes up (& openly communicate about it) that can save ya some time, energy &/or heartbreak. All in all, I didnāt want to go into a new year without creating/posting content from Closer. & remix it with a lil twitter.
Iām not Rihanna I do not love the way you lie. I will block you.
Yāall remember That scene when Lauren Hawkins (Health department chick who shut the Pynk down in season 2) was getting her lap dance from Gidget? This was in the VIP room in season 1.
She was having a grand old time, a phenomenal time living it up and celebrating her divorce settlement and subsequent blowing her divorce settlement on titties and street shit (IYKYK-itās a reference to another character)
Butā¦the thing about depression and sadness and especially if you are good at masking/ or a high, or otherwise, functioning depressed individual.
But you could (seemingly) be on top of the world and all of a suddenā¦then thoughts creep up. Reality sets back in and this amazing experience is overshadowed by what you really got going on inside.
It can hit you and fuck your shit up and remind you that you really are not OK.
So.
Yeah that scene wit Laurenā¦that moment happened quickly and was brief as fuck. & if you not paying attention, you could miss it.
but Iāve experienced enough to overstand what that sadness in the midst of heaven can feel like. & itās ok. You will have your moments.
Do your best to not let those moments become your entire story. But acknowledging the shit is healthy. Pretending and suppressing, is not.
Yeah. Thatās all I got for now.
Just wondering š
You can like someone as a person-
what they stand for, how they think and move in the world
how great of a parent they areā¦
but that still doesnāt make them compatible with you, as your partner.
Yeah you a ten
but that attitude aināt fine
I honestly donāt want anyone to chase me or feel like they gotta chase me, cuz my attention is no longer theirs- based on the ways they was moving funny.
Or because I called my energy back and whatever attachment I had to the situation and you, is dissipating.
Iām such a huge fan and advocate of clarity. Itās a necessity for me. Especially in my relationships. Clear, healthy, open and honest communication, but, just cuz you a fan of that type of vibe, that donāt mean that the other person is.
Lifeā¦be life-ing.
But what Iām not gonna do is keep making excuses for shitty behaviour &/or treatment-for whatever reason. Or me feeling like Iām always the one that has to reach outā¦ehhh, no thanks.
Iām not with that. Not when I worked this hard to be this healed and grow this damn much. My Venus AND my 7H are blessed with Saturn placements šā¦you think I didnāt have to put in ALL the work? Smt. Please. From figuring out life at a very young age & how to move, love & survive in a world foreign to me, Iām not with the bullshit*
*by bullshit I meanā¦someone making my life or making a connection unnecessarily difficult. Iād rather you not disturb me/my life at allā¦if this is what you bring & have to offer.
Confusion and mixed signalsā¦is communication enough, when you think about it.
We often sometimes expect things out of people because of the way we move & love, but shit, some just arenāt able to reciprocate. Orā¦they just donāt feel like you are worth the effort. If we gon continue to keep it real on this here Blog. Truth aināt always peaches and roses. & roses do have thornsā¦so.
Here we are. This imbalanced dynamic. So now, here comes the great lord of time and karma: Saturn šŖ poppin up like
Likeā¦letās see if youāve learned these lessons, or you just talk that shit on Twitter, Lolol. Man. The test is always in session. For me & in my opinion.
Because based on what you believe about yourself (self worth or lack there of) will manifest in your relationships and potential relationships. & honestly, Iām not failing that shit no more. Matter of fact, I want extra fucking credit. Ok, okā¦I may be getting ahead of myself āšæ Because yes, I did entertain something further than I should have-
& as much as my ass be posting Instagram captions talking about
When people show you who they are, believe them. The first time.
Dr. Maya Angelou
I love that quote and Iāve used it numerous times. But yet. & still. After she showed me a couple timesā¦I did believe her and my ass still passed go š
Yeah well, I passed go couple timesā¦based on āpotentialā and not reality. & what she was actually showing me.
I decided that this time tho (& any time moving forward) I will not allow someone to take me to hell. For no goddamn reason.
& hereās what Iāve learned and what I love: that there are no hard feelings. It just is what it is & I refuse to pretend it is, what it aināt.
So if someone is going to be back and forth; they wanna fuck with you one day or for a lil while, then switch upā¦Iām good on that.
Iām not a fan of the runner-chaser dynamic, either. & to be realā¦itās not even that Iām ārunning.ā Iām just not checking anymore.
Peace to that.
& peace to the things that need to show up to remind you exactly where you are at.
& peace to them leaving as I remember not only the lesson, but that I am worth way more than that bs āšæ
I mean no disrespect when I say this:
But if your tank only runs on scarcity, I canāt ride wit you. & itās not personally youā¦the person that I fuck withā¦
Itās Them.
Them fearful thoughts that have a tendency to procreate with more fearful thoughts/thoughts of lack and never enoughā¦yeah thatās them.
They tend to multiply anxiety-while subtracting peace. & I donāt care for that equation.
Guilty by association
Depressed. In some mess, by association
Low vibration
Rumination-
On people/things that have gone & that, which hasnāt happened
Keep yo heart 3stacksā¦cuz, the math aint mathin
āwhat are human beings
that you pay attention to them?
You’ve made them only slightly less than Divine,ā
She walked up:
Eyes Low
Shiny toy guns
Shining
Knowing her Power
Her smirk gave way.
“Hey”
I,
leaning
Look her up & down and look to the sky as I mumble a small prayer..
What?
“What? Really? That’s all that you have to say?”
Smirk. Smirk. Smirk.
*she say its for tunechi: she lie wit a straight face
Bad.
“I can’t have you coming over here, looking like you do. Smelling as fucking good as you do and just begging Saturn to turn loose on my ass. You’re hella married.”
“And?!” She leaned in closer to me. I got a hit of her $300 an ounce imported fragrance.
I got as close to her ear as I could without my mouth actually touching it & whispered, “And…you’re making my dick very hard with the thoughts that I’m having about how many different ways & different positions I would fuck you in…How I would have you screaming my name over & over…until your aren’t able to speak.” I leaned back against the wall & shrugged.
“So. What the fuck, Syn. Are we fucking or…your point in saying all of that & getting my pussy wet, is what?”
“Point being…You. In those motherfucking heels & that sexy ass prowess of yours…Please, back the fuck off & tend to your wifey at home. I’m bad, but I’m good though.”
Queer, Gifted & Black 