Y’all remember That scene when Lauren Hawkins (Health department chick who shut the Pynk down in season 2) was getting her lap dance from Gidget? This was in the VIP room in season 1.
She was having a grand old time, a phenomenal time living it up and celebrating her divorce settlement and subsequent blowing her divorce settlement on titties and street shit (IYKYK-it’s a reference to another character)
But…the thing about depression and sadness and especially if you are good at masking/ or a high, or otherwise, functioning depressed individual.
But you could (seemingly) be on top of the world and all of a sudden…then thoughts creep up. Reality sets back in and this amazing experience is overshadowed by what you really got going on inside.
It can hit you and fuck your shit up and remind you that you really are not OK.
Yeah that scene wit Lauren…that moment happened quickly and was brief as fuck. & if you not paying attention, you could miss it.
but I’ve experienced enough to overstand what that sadness in the midst of heaven can feel like. & it’s ok. You will have your moments.
Do your best to not let those moments become your entire story. But acknowledging the shit is healthy. Pretending and suppressing, is not.
I honestly don’t want anyone to chase me or feel like they gotta chase me, cuz my attention is no longer theirs- based on the ways they was moving funny.
Or because I called my energy back and whatever attachment I had to the situation and you, is dissipating.
I’m such a huge fan and advocate of clarity. It’s a necessity for me. Especially in my relationships. Clear, healthy, open and honest communication, but, just cuz you a fan of that type of vibe, that don’t mean that the other person is.
But what I’m not gonna do is keep making excuses for shitty behaviour &/or treatment-for whatever reason. Or me feeling like I’m always the one that has to reach out…ehhh, no thanks.
I’m not with that. Not when I worked this hard to be this healed and grow this damn much. My Venus AND my 7H are blessed with Saturn placements 🙂…you think I didn’t have to put in ALL the work? Smt. Please. From figuring out life at a very young age & how to move, love & survive in a world foreign to me, I’m not with the bullshit*
*by bullshit I mean…someone making my life or making a connection unnecessarily difficult. I’d rather you not disturb me/my life at all…if this is what you bring & have to offer.
Confusion and mixed signals…is communication enough, when you think about it.
We often sometimes expect things out of people because of the way we move & love, but shit, some just aren’t able to reciprocate. Or…they just don’t feel like you are worth the effort. If we gon continue to keep it real on this here Blog. Truth ain’t always peaches and roses. & roses do have thorns…so.
Here we are. This imbalanced dynamic. So now, here comes the great lord of time and karma: Saturn 🪐 poppin up like
Like…let’s see if you’ve learned these lessons, or you just talk that shit on Twitter, Lolol. Man. The test is always in session. For me & in my opinion.
Because based on what you believe about yourself (self worth or lack there of) will manifest in your relationships and potential relationships. & honestly, I’m not failing that shit no more. Matter of fact, I want extra fucking credit. Ok, ok…I may be getting ahead of myself ✋🏿 Because yes, I did entertain something further than I should have-
& as much as my ass be posting Instagram captions talking about
When people show you who they are, believe them. The first time.
Dr. Maya Angelou
I love that quote and I’ve used it numerous times. But yet. & still. After she showed me a couple times…I did believe her and my ass still passed go 🙂
Yeah well, I passed go couple times…based on “potential” and not reality. & what she was actually showing me.
I decided that this time tho (& any time moving forward) I will not allow someone to take me to hell. For no goddamn reason.
& here’s what I’ve learned and what I love: that there are no hard feelings. It just is what it is & I refuse to pretend it is, what it ain’t.
So if someone is going to be back and forth; they wanna fuck with you one day or for a lil while, then switch up…I’m good on that.
I’m not a fan of the runner-chaser dynamic, either. & to be real…it’s not even that I’m “running.” I’m just not checking anymore.
Peace to that.
& peace to the things that need to show up to remind you exactly where you are at.
& peace to them leaving as I remember not only the lesson, but that I am worth way more than that bs ✌🏿
When you ground and connect with your body Connect with presence..you disconnect from consumption and overconsumption of media, background noise, even your favourite binge worthy shows. Shit is wild how uninterested you become in such things.
It just don’t hit the same. Looking at my library at the classic and the legendary
Stillness, but not being sedentary.
Connectedness to sound and color Emphasis on: presence in interpersonal relationships. Support. Being there. & showing up. Intentionally. With a grateful heart With clarity and abundance of appreciation for the moments that you get to spend and share with your favourite and closest people.
Disconnect, to connect. Feel the feels usually repressed Numbed and subdued Consumer being consumed With same day delivery Post Modern Fillory
You are the magician of your own destiny Tarot, pero
That’s it…that’s the tweet Blog. Ok that’s not it, but damn…this Instagram post stopped me in my fucking tracks and I HAD to share it on my Story and now, here. Because I don’t want to forget it. I don’t ever want to forget the moments that led me to this post. And how divinely timed this shit was.
The fact that I had been playing “Real Love Baby” when I first saw this post also solidified what my guides were trying to tell & remind me:
That settling for lukewarm or bare minimum effort and love is not the business. That I am worthy of a love so sublime and so divine, that it reminds me of love; that I am love(d).
Every bone in my body will be sure. With love and humans coinciding-she doesn’t have to be perfect to be the antidote, the cure…
pure vibes and love. A love affair and love story to rival any epic tale. A love that’s real. And ready. & open and willing to move through the discomfort and the temporary. My love will choose me as I do her, endlessly. She will be solid in her love and intention, not on the fence about me. Not perfect, but perfect…for me.
I could write and write and write…but I’m gonna keep it brief and soak in the words above. A reminder of a perfect love for me. Imperfectly existing, never waning or drifting. Gifting me with her presence and consistency…hold her down as she lifts me. Transporting me to heights not reached previously. & honestly nobody else exists to me… Real Love, Baby
ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE VALID, NO MATTER WHAT THEY LOOK OR SEEM LIKE TO OTHERS. I THINK IT’S SO IMPORTANT & HEALTHY TO CENTER CONNECTION-IN WHATEVER FORMS THEY MANIFEST AS LONG AS IT’S HEALTHY FOR ALL INVOLVED.
I CAN’T IMAGINE NOT APPRECIATING OR DISMISSING GENUINE & INTENTIONAL LOVE/CONNECTION BECAUSE IT DOESN’T FIT INSIDE OF A BOX.
Oh, lemme just say that all caps above is from the font I was using on my IG Story that I decided to turn into this blog entry. I never use all caps like that. But I damn sure wasn’t about to retype it, lol.
So. Anyway. Back to the ideas of love & relationships fitting neatly into boxes…one thing that I learned and realized is that love is all encompassing & should never try to be contained-especially to maintain the hierarchical, patriarchal, heteronormative lens..nah. Being a queer person that shit does not work for me any longer. I’m grateful to be learning more as I grow further. & relationship anarchy is a term I’ve just recently learned.
We shouldn’t deny ourselves the pleasure and joy of loving and co-creating happiness with other humans-based on views that say it has to look this particular way or be this particular thing in order to be valid or deemed important.
Yo. Have you lived in this world? With all of the virtual everything, dependency on machines rather than humans/replacing human interaction & connection…society is disconnected enough. We should want to be connected (oh the redundancy of this word) as much as we can in a society that wants us to be separatists, unhappy, dependent on things that numb us…yo. If I connect with someone genuinely (& mutually) in any capacity, I am grateful.
I’m typically speaking of friendship, non sexual, community, etc. Friends that become family. Humans that you are close to but only see like once a year or longer for some, but still very connected. Humans that I would absolutely coparent with-but have no sexual or romantic relationship with. People that we become close to after dealing with them strictly on an online basis. Listen, I’m Uranus ruled via my Sun & my Mercury-so online friends is a thing for me. Some of my dearest people I’ve met online. So. To dismiss any of those relationships and say they aren’t valid would be a loss to the greater sense of my own personal community of humans.
Love will never belong in a box
And as a Capricorn Venus, I admit that in romantic relationships I am a bit more “traditional” in the sense that I am a monogamous person who prefers & thrives in stability and longevity. I don’t think that will every change. But, what does that look like outside and inside of those parameters? I’m more concerned with loving and experiencing the person. Intimacy and connection. Even if it doesn’t happen in the most typical or traditional way. So. I’m not denying or suppressing my love or feelings-if they there, they are there and happening on purpose. We can figure out the other details in time, but love for me, is what’s most important. And being moved by someone. Inspired by them. In awe of them and their human and divine expression. I give a shit about that. Not a box 📦 of neatly arranged and controlled, or worse, suppressed emotions.
Love is constant. & happens because it is supposed to. When it’s supposed to individuals on their journey. I would be a fool to deny such a beautiful gift.
I created this video that I posted to my IG stories. I don’t see why my wordpress fam should be denied, lol.
& I would like to add that I appreciate & highly value: honesty, integrity…vulnerability (as long as she feels safe to be) and authenticity. A Goddess who isn’t afraid of growth. Someone who is loving, a kind human and affectionate..I like that shit
A Goddess of Sensuality with healthy boundaries. Worldly, i.e. loves to travel and experience new places, while appreciating the beauty in other cultures and ways of living.
She exudes femininity & has a sense humor/can be goofy and loves to laugh & be happy*
*I fuck with all the vibes, but just not the fake ones*
So I’ll never be one of those “positive vibes only” people. That’s like being a robot with no feelings & is just plain harmful & toxic. IMO. so yeah no. We all experience a range of emotions and being able to process & deal with them in a healthy way is the goal. Be angry, be pissed off, be moody if need be, just as long as we not suppressing our feelings, we good. Healthy communication is key. Healthy outlets and knowing oneself; for example my 12H Sun calls for isolation in order for me to process. & I’ve found that taking the necessary steps & space to do so works best. For me. So I want her to feel comfortable with feeling the big and sometimes not so pleasant feelings and do what’s best in her own ways of processing & healing. As long as we’re not sweeping 🧹 shit under the rug and lovingly & intentionally dealing with the opportunities (notice I didn’t say “problems” -because words are powerful) for growth and greater understanding of ourselves and one another.
Soooo, yeah healthy communication is paramount. As is emotional intelligence. & Being cognizant of each other’s love languages. Respect. Even in difficult times.
Loyalty and commitment to one other is also high on my list of things that I value…as an Aqua Sun, Capricorn Venus also respecting each other’s autonomy and monogamy. Stable foundations and co-creation, not co-dependency.
If there’s anything else I think of that aligns I will add to this further. But yeah…
I really and truly love when I witness a work and body of art that moves me completely. I’m on the last episode of this limited series called “Scenes From A Marriage” and I’m…Disheveled to my core. & reborn.
Because I see bits and pieces in my own villain/lover original sin-love story; the similarities and reminders of one of my deepest loves. & conversations that were happening that I couldn’t fathom their meaning because I was too stuck on the in between of a deferred dream and my ideals…based on what I thought was supposed to happen.
My idealistic take on love and what being in a relationship was. Fuck me…these scenes remind me of that lucid dream. & the reality of my ex’s humanity in seeing that our dreams were parallel until they weren’t. Her raw honesty. & how sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees, based on your own hurt, or your own worth-or, perhaps lack there of.
Either way, this show really reached into the depths of me. Reminded me of reality. & how beautiful it is to be loved and be human. All of the messy and complicated parts included. So. In conclusion, I wrote some words about it:
Is there some ONE for every ONE? Or are we simply to experience Different lovers, different ideas & learn what the meaning is Contained within each vessel is a lesson A blessing & sometimes a curse We hurt, we scream, we cry, we mourn until...we remember our worth & what works & truly what doesn’t On slippery slopes we slide Until we collide Until we collapse Then perhaps Learn the meaning Of what isn’t Until one day we decide to put away The label makers & realize the humanness of loving each other boldly & making mistakes along the way Whose to say That I can’t belong to me only & give to you still A cup that’s filled Drinking from crystal glasses 20/20 with rose tinted spectacles We give everyone permanency & make them a collectible We hoard them, put them on a shelf right next to their pedestal To be polished so we can never see them with their subtle scars & prominent scratches We speak about the happiness Of having them But never fully experience them beyond the shell of our perceptions and expectations Erase the individual wants and needs For “we” have done ourselves a disservice Make it our purpose to worship Holy, but not common ground Just to feel safe & sound I want you around But only after you’ve found Yourself. Love your missteps Love is politically incorrect An emotional treasure within a shipwreck emotional rebirth & death On our tippy toes the closer we reach for depth And learn to swim in the abyss That darkness That elicits a sharp breath Uncontrollable we try to make it a point to hold onto that which we don’t know Write a script for love instead of Letting it all naturally come together and unfold Without permission we assign roles The rules were skewed a long time ago... That’s why you must decide your own Find your home Welcome. Rest your bones There a place for your comb and your calm.
I’m not sure where the road may go
If the rose will continue to Grow
Content with the fact that she is still pretty yet sticky
One prick of the finger
Sleeping Beauty will remember
Wake. The. Fuck. Up.
I Am your Prince Charming.and.also.the.Wolf
As you seem to be.
Coming to America
My: Queen to Be
I prefer to be in-Love and. en-chanted
By her magick
Cuz every woman possesses it…
Only to be highlighted
By high levels of love potion nō(6)9
Love chemical element = high 💨
When thighs have parted ways
Everything and every one else is lost in purp-
And thus, spoke Le Amour.
For real. Yes, I’ve had my heart broken into a million + pieces…but, damn! That allowed me to free up so much of myself that I had been so tightly clinging to forever and a decade!
The moment I became completely vulnerable…100% my insecurities popped up, since they were never dealt with in the first place. Then, Love showed me her face…& ever since that day, I can’t, I won’t give it up.
Love is a beautiful thing. It brings so much Growth,
So much Change throughout the Pain.
You finally face your own Soul.
Thank you to all of my Love Teachers! I’m close! Thank you for the Hope & the Reason to keep on Loving…