I’m not ok, Lauren. HBU?

Queer

Y’all remember That scene when Lauren Hawkins (Health department chick who shut the Pynk down in season 2) was getting her lap dance from Gidget? This was in the VIP room in season 1.

She was having a grand old time, a phenomenal time living it up and celebrating her divorce settlement and subsequent blowing her divorce settlement on titties and street shit (IYKYK-it’s a reference to another character)

But…the thing about depression and sadness and especially if you are good at masking/ or a high, or otherwise, functioning depressed individual.

But you could (seemingly) be on top of the world and all of a sudden…then thoughts creep up. Reality sets back in and this amazing experience is overshadowed by what you really got going on inside.

It can hit you and fuck your shit up and remind you that you really are not OK.

So.

Yeah that scene wit Lauren…that moment happened quickly and was brief as fuck. & if you not paying attention, you could miss it.

but I’ve experienced enough to overstand what that sadness in the midst of heaven can feel like. & it’s ok. You will have your moments.

Do your best to not let those moments become your entire story. But acknowledging the shit is healthy. Pretending and suppressing, is not.

Yeah. That’s all I got for now.

“I’m Glowin The Fuck Up!” -Lil Murda

Queer

I used that line from 1 of my fave shows, P-Valley. If you follow any of my other socials (Twitter, Instagram) then you know how much I absolutely love this show.

Ok. So why tf is that line the title of this post?

Because I felt like it. & I felt like it because the moments that I experienced leading up to even thinking of that line, had me feeling like Murda when Keyshawn showed him the WSHH feature with them. That energy. That Soul Glo ✨ cuz you now in the process of mining ⛏ your own diamonds…& once you realize…that you are also the Diamond 💎 game fucking changer.

What a time. What a life, Jhene Aiko. Seeing your shit come to fruition-in the divinely timed order it’s sposed to ✨

The feeling of having pride in your work and what the fuck you put out into the world. & also tremendous gratitude for what was, what’s happening rn and for allllll the beautiful, magical, wonderful experiences coming.

Give thanks. Gratitude for the doors and windows 🪟 that’s opening for me-& the right ones at that. The ones that feel good. That feel at ease. That feel joyful. That’s for my highest good & the highest good if all involved. Them joints that feel right & aligned ✨ give thanks.

PODCAST: The Joyful Experience

I am so pleased, so grateful and sooo excited to be sharing this Podcast & more of myself with you.

As you will hear in the Podcast, I am a 12H sun. With Jupiter in my 8H…Capricorn Mercury and Venus…ine into foolishness.

This 12H energy has me in the cut working on self in several ways, which I’m not mad about at all. & sometimes, I am beckoned to “show my face” & in this case, share my voice.

So. Here I Am.

& I am absolutely delighted to be able to share some of my innermost thoughts & feels regarding dating and mating with Astrology-& how you relate to your own birth chart.

Big up and Big love to all of the professional astrologers that have guided me these last few years and really helped a bih understand more and grow.

I am ever grateful for every opportunity and every gift. & this Podcast was certainly that.

Big love always to my beloved colleague, fellow author, writer, bad ass Scorpio witch and friend, Kat.

Give thanks for our queer family tree that’s been growin from AOL online/chat room times (yeah we old-ish) lol. I’m hella grateful for such a wonderful opportunity. That shit was hella fun.

Syncere, Guest Host. The Joyful Experience Podcast, August, 2022

Listen To Full Podcast Here

Pvalley Prayer (Words are Spells)

Queer

“Lord, we ask that you bless The Pynk tonight as we try to go out with one last…big ass bang.”
-Uncle Clifford


Yo.
They say be careful what you wish for.

& to be very intentional with the words you use & speak over yourself/your life and others.

Cuz Murda Night sure did go out wit a big ass bang 🔫
& my bb Uncle Clifford spoke that into existence 😭
& co-created with all the other elements necessary for Murda Night to end the way it did.
Uncle Clifford’s Prayer 🤲

Sprite Lightning (General Observation)

Queer

Personal to Partnership

rare electrical discharges called sprites high above the clouds. A photographer in China captured this phenomenon on May 9. via Accuweather

You can like someone as a person-
what they stand for, how they think and move in the world
how great of a parent they are…
but that still doesn’t make them compatible with you, as your partner.





Unlucky Day

Queer
Yeah you a ten
but that attitude ain’t fine

I honestly don’t want anyone to chase me or feel like they gotta chase me, cuz my attention is no longer theirs- based on the ways they was moving funny.

Or because I called my energy back and whatever attachment I had to the situation and you, is dissipating.

I’m such a huge fan and advocate of clarity. It’s a necessity for me. Especially in my relationships. Clear, healthy, open and honest communication, but, just cuz you a fan of that type of vibe, that don’t mean that the other person is.

Life…be life-ing.

But what I’m not gonna do is keep making excuses for shitty behaviour &/or treatment-for whatever reason. Or me feeling like I’m always the one that has to reach out…ehhh, no thanks.

I’m not with that. Not when I worked this hard to be this healed and grow this damn much. My Venus AND my 7H are blessed with Saturn placements 🙂…you think I didn’t have to put in ALL the work? Smt. Please. From figuring out life at a very young age & how to move, love & survive in a world foreign to me, I’m not with the bullshit*

*by bullshit I mean…someone making my life or making a connection unnecessarily difficult. I’d rather you not disturb me/my life at all…if this is what you bring & have to offer.

Confusion and mixed signals…is communication enough, when you think about it.

We often sometimes expect things out of people because of the way we move & love, but shit, some just aren’t able to reciprocate. Or…they just don’t feel like you are worth the effort. If we gon continue to keep it real on this here Blog. Truth ain’t always peaches and roses. & roses do have thorns…so.

Here we are. This imbalanced dynamic. So now, here comes the great lord of time and karma: Saturn 🪐 poppin up like

Like…let’s see if you’ve learned these lessons, or you just talk that shit on Twitter, Lolol. Man. The test is always in session. For me & in my opinion.

Because based on what you believe about yourself (self worth or lack there of) will manifest in your relationships and potential relationships. & honestly, I’m not failing that shit no more. Matter of fact, I want extra fucking credit. Ok, ok…I may be getting ahead of myself ✋🏿 Because yes, I did entertain something further than I should have-

& as much as my ass be posting Instagram captions talking about

When people show you who they are, believe them. The first time.

Dr. Maya Angelou

I love that quote and I’ve used it numerous times. But yet. & still. After she showed me a couple times…I did believe her and my ass still passed go 🙂

Yeah well, I passed go couple times…based on “potential” and not reality. & what she was actually showing me.

I decided that this time tho (& any time moving forward) I will not allow someone to take me to hell. For no goddamn reason.

& here’s what I’ve learned and what I love: that there are no hard feelings. It just is what it is & I refuse to pretend it is, what it ain’t.

So if someone is going to be back and forth; they wanna fuck with you one day or for a lil while, then switch up…I’m good on that.

I’m not a fan of the runner-chaser dynamic, either. & to be real…it’s not even that I’m “running.” I’m just not checking anymore.

Peace to that.

& peace to the things that need to show up to remind you exactly where you are at.

& peace to them leaving as I remember not only the lesson, but that I am worth way more than that bs ✌🏿

Prayers v Puscee

Queer

What in the cosmos…

Ok a few planets are in Aries, rn, if I’m not mistaken. I remember someone mentioning 4 of them by May 24th- which, ironically is my Gem Sun/Leo/Taurus ex’s birthday. Also coincidentally, she has her Venus in Aries. Which I just found out recently, but explainsssss A Lot 🤓

But I digress from the main Aries point. If you’re not an Astro Heaux like I am one (I’m not a professional, I’m an enthusiast who appreciates all the ways that learning about astrology has enlightened me) I will post an infographic on Aries for you to give you an insight to what the vibe is:

So.

This Aries energy in the sky, rn. Add that to Mercury being in Gemini 🤔 perhaps it might be the reason for what I’m about to say. Oh & it’s eclipse season andddd almost Mercury retrograde. Pluto is already retrograde to. Sooo who am I to deny this energy the cosmos has beseeched upon us 🫡

Ok. Now

If I’m replying to your personal stories featuring selfies, low key (& high key 🔑 ) thirst traps with heart eyes- wait & I say personal because I heart eyes other shit all the time; pets, delicious looking plates of food, etc, but not anyones selfie or no shit like that…because I don’t want anyone getting the wrong impression. Unless it’s one of my gay ass friends beings exceptionally fucking fabulous, thas different.

So if I heart eyes the image or video of YOU, or share some choice (always respectful- I don’t get *disrespectful til we start dating and & even more so when we start mating 😈) words of enthusiasm, based on what I see/admire/lust for 😂…and you hit a nigga with the prayer hands 🙏🏿…I’ma stop sending them. & assume (like I heard someone say- prolly saw it on twitter, tbh) No hard feelings, but I’m prolly not the intended audience 🎯 of said image or thirst trap…& I gotta respect it and keep it pushin.

To be honest, I didn’t want your prayers, I wanted your pussy.

Bless

Blessed.
Like you riding my face and baptizing me in your wet-

Lemme chill, lol. Also, today feels like it’s ruled by Venus, but Jupiter calls the shots. I ain’t mad at it. I fuck with the vibe.

*disrespectful* = respectfully nasty and freaky, but sooo much so-that it seems disrespectful. For ex. “disrespectful sex”

Get it? Well. IYKYK 🤷🏾‍♂️

Taurus season x Grad Nite

Queer

I wonder if it’s my 12H Sun or my Jupiter in Scorpio ♏️ as to why I (think) that I contemplate death and loss more than the average person. Hmm, contemplate is a strong word. I don’t consider it as taboo or hard to discuss as most people do.

But. I mean. We all have experienced or will experience loss in some form. & this is why I go so hard for presence. & intentionality. Because not a single moment or thing is promised to any of us.

I remember when we finally were able to go through the garage (recently built a new home, and shit just ends up in the garage…like, all the things end up there 😮‍💨) so getting to go through stuff properly and notice the amount of things that were able to be salvaged and saved from Hurricane Dorian 🌀 puts shit into perspective.

Because thank the universe/god/the ancestors protection that the lives of my mum…ok basically everyone and I do mean EVERYONE on my Mum side of the family would have been gone.

The magnitude of that storm over that island (& Abaco)…if it had remained over the island any longer…I would have lost all of my family on that side. They lost their vehicles, their homes and the amount of trauma the have from that whole situation; from seeing the dead bodies of your neighbors floating by you, as the water rose and you had to flee to a nearby fire station…which also became overcrowded and flooded…the stories I’ve heard…Losing things don’t feel like shit when you almost lose your life.

Perspective like a mf.

“Don’t sweat the small stuff” is cliche asf…but like…yeah, no don’t. Life is too finite for that

So. Grad Nite, yes. My Disney Grad Nite photo album was saved. Wild. Can’t even recall most of that weekend, tbh. Or my HS “experience.” I was in a weird place. Forced assimilation via immigration. But…freedom, nonetheless, a?

I don’t recall being much of a person back then. I recall being what I was supposed to be, told to be, taught to be. No voice. No personality. A shell. Under the roof of a staunch Christian and full time witch…but not the good kind.

Who loved to gossip & report my every move to not only my mum, but everyone back home in the family. Wild. Lmao. I’ve come a long ass fucking way from that life!

Shit! All I can do is give thanks. For the being that I am now-knowing what I had to emerge from. Some Kafka shit-sans the bug. I’ll take a caterpillar 🐛 instead. That morphed into the wolf 🐺 don’t be a judge Judy- transformation is and looks different for everyone. This my journey. Back to what was saved. The Grad Nite album

Umm, what else…oh! my Baptism or Christening (is that the same thing? Idk I was a baby, I didn’t have a choice on my attendance) dress. My HS graduation gown. Some random trophy’s from tennis 🎾 to a math award (boy do I have a back story on that award 🥇 😎) My Scholastic, extracurricular resume which…I don’t even remember what tf I needed a resume for back then 🧐 oh another random photo album I made before I moved away…some old toys (not that kind-I left at a young age)

& one of the things I appreciate about my Taurus ass mutha, was her intentions of me seeing and having Black dolls (which I never played with but I did play with the Lego sets and Tonka trucks 😂) but my joints had skin that looked like mine. She was real G for that.

Oh. My Jordan doll from NKOTB…umm, don’t act like they wasn’t the shit back then.

Pls NKOTB used to slap!

Sooooo. how tf does this all connect?

It’s Taurus season. Taurus themes: what we value. Friday is ruled by Venus..which is the ruler of Taurus. All things align ✨

Jung Gods (Do What Thou Will, Shall Be The Law)

Queer

Someone asked me the other day if I believe that free will is a thing…

One of the greatest things about being human, IMO, is free will. & choice. You are the decider of things. & I am grateful for the choice to opt out of relationships that aren’t healthy.

It’s really good to acknowledge this because just like with email subscriptions, you can unsubscribe from a relationship that is draining, too difficult, one-sided, unhealthy/toxic, etc. Or even ones that are stagnant, don’t move or excite you. & it’s no hard feelings. No soft ones either, lol. It’s the indifference especially that is also a deciding factor.

Are we growing together? Individually?

I’m sitting up under the remnants of the Libra full moon. Contemplating. Full Moons are about release and letting go. So.

Fuck them Matth,ew

Queer

I mean no disrespect when I say this:

But if your tank only runs on scarcity, I can’t ride wit you. & it’s not personally you…the person that I fuck with…

It’s Them.

Them fearful thoughts that have a tendency to procreate with more fearful thoughts/thoughts of lack and never enough…yeah that’s them.

They tend to multiply anxiety-while subtracting peace. & I don’t care for that equation.

Guilty by association

Depressed. In some mess, by association

Low vibration

Rumination-

On people/things that have gone & that, which hasn’t happened

Keep yo heart 3stacks…cuz, the math aint mathin

Black leather, white feather

Queer

Feeling good. Peaceful. Grateful. Appreciating the way people show up and don’t show up.

& it’s all personal- to them.

Seems like it has everything to do with you, right? But it’s actually the other person. & their action or inaction is based on what they feel. What they got going on.

Man. I used to take that shit on. I’m…no longer in the business of doing that. It doesn’t interest me any longer. & if I’ve learned anything on this post modern queer journey: it’s to only do shit, participate in shit & give my energy to shit that lights me up. Feeling responsible for someone else’s feelings or lack there of, neither excites or lights me up, lol.

& I also changed my agreement.

& it feels fucking good. & tbh, along with this new growth-

Wait- holy fuck. Before I get into the feather…my manifestations have been coming in heavy lately. On some I create what I speak, abracadabra type shit and honestly? I’m here for it!

Something has shifted. & changed…me. And as a fixed sun, who tends to get fixated on the goddess of the season that I’m feeling (I say season bc it doesn’t happens all the time like that-that I consider & regard somebody in that way), it’s a very nice feeling to be at peace. Like…truly at peace. My elevation of happiness and peace is the proof (for my own experience) of what I’ve been speaking on for years:

So. To be..idk what to call it, but it feels like a wave…flow…of acceptance, acknowledgement and gratitude.

I have a tendency to say “everyone is my teacher” and I honestly feel that way. This woman taught me so much; from my current dating style and love languages to healthy boundaries and communication (& ways I need to/am working on improving). I mean..think about it. The people that come into our lives are never a mistake. I could never say I regret our relationship. Well, I mean I could say that. But it’s the subsequent growth for me, because of you, me & our dynamic.

Idc how long it lasted. It was valid, important and taught me some shit. & for that, for all my life and love teachers, I give thanks. The presence, the lessons and the blessings.

I found a white feather randomly in my bedroom. The internet “spirituality meaning” experts said this:

White feathers can seem like good luck, but it is less to do with luck and more to do with your vibration changing that is allowing better things to appear in your reality. In this way, white feathers are more a sign of “law of attraction” rather than random good luck.

If white feathers appear just as something positive has happened, it is a sign that you have shifted something on a deep level, such as a core belief system, that is allowing better things to come into your life. 

Receiving white feathers from the flow of the universe is a sign that you have gone through many challenges and done the hard work to break through any limiting beliefs that have held you back. This is a period of time where you connecting and identifying with your core essence and higher self. 

White feathers in this context bring a refreshed sense of hope and faith for the future and bring in the energy of gratitude and peace. You are entering into a season in your life that may be new to you, filled with gifts that the universe wants to send your way. 

To see a white feather after a positive event happens means that this is a time where you should put energy and attention towards your personal and spiritual growth, so that you can continue to open up the layers that are ready to receive the gifts headed your way. You can only hold onto the capacity that your energetic container can hold, so this is a time to expand and strengthen that container.

I’m here for it.

2Pacalypse & DMZ

Queer

You know, this could absolutely pms related, but I really shouldn’t be crying this much at the end of DMZ.

It’s…hmmm.

I don’t often talk about this or bring this up with anyone (my therapist says this is something I need to work on-she might be right 🤷🏾‍♂️).

Fuck, there’s so many things going through my head. Why. Why now? I was just fucking good. Not even on that vibe & this limited series really just fucking triggered me. & placed me back into the position of fetal (not literally, but, you get it).

Thinking about Mothers.

Mums and Motherhood. & the (usually?) strong bond mother and child forms.

& yeah. No I never really had that. I watch, or observe, rather, these relationship dynamic between Mum and daughter, Mum and child…& I wish I fucking had that.

To have felt 100% safe. Secure. Loved and cared for outside of “I am responsible for you, that don’t mean I gotta like you.”

Yo. I remember when that clip from the film 🎞 Fences was circulating and my Mum sent it to me.

And that was her way of saying that’s what she needed to be for me. Not to like me, not to form a closeness or friendship with me…that wasn’t part of it for her.

An emotional wound. Still fucking there. No matter how much I ignore or compartmentalize…focus on every other thing, every other aspect of my life..& I watch this series and it’s such a reminder. One that I don’t care to remember.

Providing for is not the same as emotional care or emotional intimacy.

And based on her accounts of childhood and her relationship with my grandmother; her own mother wounds have manifested into ours.

Generational trauma looks like a lot of things…

& I often times wondered if I attracted women who are emotionally unavailable, because that is what I was shown.

It’s a duty. Not a feeling. & having a child is a responsibility that you have to take care of, and as long as the other needs of the child are taken care of, the emotional ones don’t matter. You take care of your family. You do what you gotta do. But.

I assure you. I guarantee you. As someone speaking from experience…your children need more than that. Financial security and stability is one piece of the puzzle & an absolute blessing. But. The biggest piece that matters the most..to me, to this day, is love. It’s care and concern and feeling like the one person you love the most, you can trust with your feelings. With your heart.

I experienced heartache at a very young age.

Abandonment from 1 parent who was addicted to drugs and I had to be separated from via divorce (my Mum is Taurus she wasn’t having that shit) & emotional abandonment and neglect from the other parent who honestly never wanted to be a parent in the first place, & had to pick up the responsibilities of both & try to navigate life from there. I can honestly say that knowing all that I know now: she did her best.

After she divorced him it left her very stressed, overwhelmed and overworked…and under prepared to give to a child..something she herself never received from her own Mum.

This is not a love story. It’s certainly not one with the intention of bashing a woman who sacrificed everything so that I would have things. & things are nice. But, as I find even at this age: things…isn’t love.

Things can’t comfort you. Be there to support you and be a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on.

& honestly Idk if that pain ever goes away. I mean. I’ve dealt with life, as it came, on my own emotionally for many years. Since I was a teenager. So You would think I’d have the shit under control by now 🙄

Well. This is a reminder that need to set up a session with my therapist.

& Aries season…a reminder of Fire. & how we gotta face the fire; our innermost fears, things that break our hearts the most and sometimes things need to be burned down to be rebuilt again.

Also a reminder to let go of any connection that doesn’t give to me, as I give to them. Because of the way I came up as an adolescent and into adulthood…I saw through myself and through others how lonely, hard and hurtful it can be going through life having to figure shit out all on your own. And I would never want anyone to have to go through life not feeling supported or emotionally cared for or regarded. I will give and share any and everything fucking thing I possess if someone I love needs it, but I also need that to be reciprocated. That’s the thing. These unhealthy relationship dynamics teach us that we aren’t enough. & damn You know what…I would have my Chiron in Aries ♈️ you really can’t make this astrology shit up, lol.

I acknowledge that I’ve had enough of emotional deficit in my life…. so I’m receiving the ones who intentionally, genuinely and loving pour into me. Who check in on me. Who show up for me. Who congratulate me when I win. Who comfort me when I’m sad or not feeling my best. & remind me that I am worthy of love. Because I deserve it.

I truly envy folks that are close with their parents in that way. & if you don’t/didn’t have that, I just wanna remind you that no mattter what: you are worthy of love, care, concern, emotional safety, etc.

And even though you didn’t grow up choosing you bc you felt like you had so much to do & had to earn the affection or attention from your primary caregiver…I’m telling you it’s safe to do so. The scars and the wounds might not ever heal. I’m just gonna be real. But that doesn’t mean that the relationships that we form now, have to mirror that experience.

You are worthy. Just as you are. And I hope you choose people who also choose you. And show up for you in the ways you need.

Man, my back could be against every wall, but a hug and loving embrace (even if no words are exchanged) can make all the difference. A text or a conversation, shit even a song (if you know me, I LOVE music), funny memes. Bro. Showing is up is showing up. & I’m very grateful for all of my life and love teachers who have in the past and who now remind me of my worthiness. Who tell me how much they love and appreciate me. Cuz that shit really makes a difference and matters to people like me.

So yeah go watch DMZ on HBOMax, it’s really good, lol

Oh and here’s some Pac

The Lox: Money, Power, Respect

Queer

Today is Tuesday. & Tuesday being ruled by the planet Mars…makes sense.

I saw this post by 1 of my favourite writers I found online, Billy Chapata. & as I read it, I loved it. Then I realized that my “well, actually” Aquarius ♒️ head ass had more to add to that, lol. So here’s said post:

Check him out on IG and Twitter: @iambrillyant

& here comes the well actually, for me:

I never lose love. I lose people & vice versa. Love never changes, people do. So my power may be diminished temporarily due to pain, hurt, etc. but it has this beautiful tendency of returning. When I am ready. Healing. Pouring love into myself and subsequently, others. Love remains. So in the words of Bey “they’ll never take my power, my power, my power”

This song:

A quickie

Queer
When you ground and connect with your body
Connect with presence..you disconnect from consumption and overconsumption of media, background noise, even your favourite binge worthy shows. Shit is wild how uninterested you become in such things.

It just don’t hit the same.
Looking at my library at the classic and the legendary

Stillness, but not being sedentary.

Connectedness to sound and color
Emphasis on: presence in interpersonal relationships.
Support. Being there. & showing up.
Intentionally.
With a grateful heart
With clarity and abundance of appreciation for the moments that you get to spend and share with your favourite and closest people.

Disconnect, to connect.
Feel the feels usually repressed
Numbed and subdued
Consumer being consumed
With same day delivery
Post Modern Fillory

You are the magician of your own destiny
Tarot, pero