“I’m Glowin The Fuck Up!” -Lil Murda

Queer

I used that line from 1 of my fave shows, P-Valley. If you follow any of my other socials (Twitter, Instagram) then you know how much I absolutely love this show.

Ok. So why tf is that line the title of this post?

Because I felt like it. & I felt like it because the moments that I experienced leading up to even thinking of that line, had me feeling like Murda when Keyshawn showed him the WSHH feature with them. That energy. That Soul Glo ✨ cuz you now in the process of mining ⛏ your own diamonds…& once you realize…that you are also the Diamond 💎 game fucking changer.

What a time. What a life, Jhene Aiko. Seeing your shit come to fruition-in the divinely timed order it’s sposed to ✨

The feeling of having pride in your work and what the fuck you put out into the world. & also tremendous gratitude for what was, what’s happening rn and for allllll the beautiful, magical, wonderful experiences coming.

Give thanks. Gratitude for the doors and windows 🪟 that’s opening for me-& the right ones at that. The ones that feel good. That feel at ease. That feel joyful. That’s for my highest good & the highest good if all involved. Them joints that feel right & aligned ✨ give thanks.

PODCAST: The Joyful Experience

I am so pleased, so grateful and sooo excited to be sharing this Podcast & more of myself with you.

As you will hear in the Podcast, I am a 12H sun. With Jupiter in my 8H…Capricorn Mercury and Venus…ine into foolishness.

This 12H energy has me in the cut working on self in several ways, which I’m not mad about at all. & sometimes, I am beckoned to “show my face” & in this case, share my voice.

So. Here I Am.

& I am absolutely delighted to be able to share some of my innermost thoughts & feels regarding dating and mating with Astrology-& how you relate to your own birth chart.

Big up and Big love to all of the professional astrologers that have guided me these last few years and really helped a bih understand more and grow.

I am ever grateful for every opportunity and every gift. & this Podcast was certainly that.

Big love always to my beloved colleague, fellow author, writer, bad ass Scorpio witch and friend, Kat.

Give thanks for our queer family tree that’s been growin from AOL online/chat room times (yeah we old-ish) lol. I’m hella grateful for such a wonderful opportunity. That shit was hella fun.

Syncere, Guest Host. The Joyful Experience Podcast, August, 2022

Listen To Full Podcast Here

Unlucky Day

Queer
Yeah you a ten
but that attitude ain’t fine

I honestly don’t want anyone to chase me or feel like they gotta chase me, cuz my attention is no longer theirs- based on the ways they was moving funny.

Or because I called my energy back and whatever attachment I had to the situation and you, is dissipating.

I’m such a huge fan and advocate of clarity. It’s a necessity for me. Especially in my relationships. Clear, healthy, open and honest communication, but, just cuz you a fan of that type of vibe, that don’t mean that the other person is.

Life…be life-ing.

But what I’m not gonna do is keep making excuses for shitty behaviour &/or treatment-for whatever reason. Or me feeling like I’m always the one that has to reach out…ehhh, no thanks.

I’m not with that. Not when I worked this hard to be this healed and grow this damn much. My Venus AND my 7H are blessed with Saturn placements 🙂…you think I didn’t have to put in ALL the work? Smt. Please. From figuring out life at a very young age & how to move, love & survive in a world foreign to me, I’m not with the bullshit*

*by bullshit I mean…someone making my life or making a connection unnecessarily difficult. I’d rather you not disturb me/my life at all…if this is what you bring & have to offer.

Confusion and mixed signals…is communication enough, when you think about it.

We often sometimes expect things out of people because of the way we move & love, but shit, some just aren’t able to reciprocate. Or…they just don’t feel like you are worth the effort. If we gon continue to keep it real on this here Blog. Truth ain’t always peaches and roses. & roses do have thorns…so.

Here we are. This imbalanced dynamic. So now, here comes the great lord of time and karma: Saturn 🪐 poppin up like

Like…let’s see if you’ve learned these lessons, or you just talk that shit on Twitter, Lolol. Man. The test is always in session. For me & in my opinion.

Because based on what you believe about yourself (self worth or lack there of) will manifest in your relationships and potential relationships. & honestly, I’m not failing that shit no more. Matter of fact, I want extra fucking credit. Ok, ok…I may be getting ahead of myself ✋🏿 Because yes, I did entertain something further than I should have-

& as much as my ass be posting Instagram captions talking about

When people show you who they are, believe them. The first time.

Dr. Maya Angelou

I love that quote and I’ve used it numerous times. But yet. & still. After she showed me a couple times…I did believe her and my ass still passed go 🙂

Yeah well, I passed go couple times…based on “potential” and not reality. & what she was actually showing me.

I decided that this time tho (& any time moving forward) I will not allow someone to take me to hell. For no goddamn reason.

& here’s what I’ve learned and what I love: that there are no hard feelings. It just is what it is & I refuse to pretend it is, what it ain’t.

So if someone is going to be back and forth; they wanna fuck with you one day or for a lil while, then switch up…I’m good on that.

I’m not a fan of the runner-chaser dynamic, either. & to be real…it’s not even that I’m “running.” I’m just not checking anymore.

Peace to that.

& peace to the things that need to show up to remind you exactly where you are at.

& peace to them leaving as I remember not only the lesson, but that I am worth way more than that bs ✌🏿

Taurus season x Grad Nite

Queer

I wonder if it’s my 12H Sun or my Jupiter in Scorpio ♏️ as to why I (think) that I contemplate death and loss more than the average person. Hmm, contemplate is a strong word. I don’t consider it as taboo or hard to discuss as most people do.

But. I mean. We all have experienced or will experience loss in some form. & this is why I go so hard for presence. & intentionality. Because not a single moment or thing is promised to any of us.

I remember when we finally were able to go through the garage (recently built a new home, and shit just ends up in the garage…like, all the things end up there 😮‍💨) so getting to go through stuff properly and notice the amount of things that were able to be salvaged and saved from Hurricane Dorian 🌀 puts shit into perspective.

Because thank the universe/god/the ancestors protection that the lives of my mum…ok basically everyone and I do mean EVERYONE on my Mum side of the family would have been gone.

The magnitude of that storm over that island (& Abaco)…if it had remained over the island any longer…I would have lost all of my family on that side. They lost their vehicles, their homes and the amount of trauma the have from that whole situation; from seeing the dead bodies of your neighbors floating by you, as the water rose and you had to flee to a nearby fire station…which also became overcrowded and flooded…the stories I’ve heard…Losing things don’t feel like shit when you almost lose your life.

Perspective like a mf.

“Don’t sweat the small stuff” is cliche asf…but like…yeah, no don’t. Life is too finite for that

So. Grad Nite, yes. My Disney Grad Nite photo album was saved. Wild. Can’t even recall most of that weekend, tbh. Or my HS “experience.” I was in a weird place. Forced assimilation via immigration. But…freedom, nonetheless, a?

I don’t recall being much of a person back then. I recall being what I was supposed to be, told to be, taught to be. No voice. No personality. A shell. Under the roof of a staunch Christian and full time witch…but not the good kind.

Who loved to gossip & report my every move to not only my mum, but everyone back home in the family. Wild. Lmao. I’ve come a long ass fucking way from that life!

Shit! All I can do is give thanks. For the being that I am now-knowing what I had to emerge from. Some Kafka shit-sans the bug. I’ll take a caterpillar 🐛 instead. That morphed into the wolf 🐺 don’t be a judge Judy- transformation is and looks different for everyone. This my journey. Back to what was saved. The Grad Nite album

Umm, what else…oh! my Baptism or Christening (is that the same thing? Idk I was a baby, I didn’t have a choice on my attendance) dress. My HS graduation gown. Some random trophy’s from tennis 🎾 to a math award (boy do I have a back story on that award 🥇 😎) My Scholastic, extracurricular resume which…I don’t even remember what tf I needed a resume for back then 🧐 oh another random photo album I made before I moved away…some old toys (not that kind-I left at a young age)

& one of the things I appreciate about my Taurus ass mutha, was her intentions of me seeing and having Black dolls (which I never played with but I did play with the Lego sets and Tonka trucks 😂) but my joints had skin that looked like mine. She was real G for that.

Oh. My Jordan doll from NKOTB…umm, don’t act like they wasn’t the shit back then.

Pls NKOTB used to slap!

Sooooo. how tf does this all connect?

It’s Taurus season. Taurus themes: what we value. Friday is ruled by Venus..which is the ruler of Taurus. All things align ✨

Return of the Yet-eye

Queer

The folks that are sent to us are on purpose, yes. Meant to be a prominent part of our lives forever? That’s gonna be a hell naw. & the moment I realized that, shit made so much sense. & my ability to let go of relationships? Hmm, let’s use connections, instead. My ability to accept things and situations for what they are…what they present themselves to me as…as opposed to obsessing and overthinking (please don’t get me wrong-with this many Virgo placements, overthinking & overanalyzing will occur) But I’ve gotten way better about acceptance. & not placing every connection in a box or category.

Connections sometimes have disconnection. Sometimes they last *momentarily* like…a couple months, type shit. & it really can be a fun, fulfilling (for all that it’s meant to be) connection that was simply that:

A moment in time. I really wanted to say a wrinkle in time, but..yeah you get it.

Lemme even use my own self as an example. I had this connection with this fine ass gyal. She was down to earth, not afraid to be goofy/silly, had great taste in music, food, art, film, etc…..and loved the beach/water. All good tings (for me/to me-because you know, to each their own) and we had fun as we keke’d back and forth.

You wanna know thee biggest takeaway from that connection that actually inspired this post? This

She was on the boat one day and had this tumbler. I was like damn this thing keeping your shit ice cold for hella long. Well. Long story short I got myself one and it has been my favourite ever since. I absolutely love this thing. I take it on dives, I take it on lil road trips to the other end of the island (its contents may vary) and use it when I’m lounging around and just drinking some of my fave freshly brewed hot teas.

This tumbler? We were meant to be forever. That connection with the gyal? mmmm, not so much, lolol. But we good tho. Aint no feelings; hard nor soft. Nothing lost on either part because there weren’t any superficial…hm is that the word I wanna use…no expectations beyond how we connected in those moments. Give thanks. All things align.

Jung Gods (Do What Thou Will, Shall Be The Law)

Queer

Someone asked me the other day if I believe that free will is a thing…

One of the greatest things about being human, IMO, is free will. & choice. You are the decider of things. & I am grateful for the choice to opt out of relationships that aren’t healthy.

It’s really good to acknowledge this because just like with email subscriptions, you can unsubscribe from a relationship that is draining, too difficult, one-sided, unhealthy/toxic, etc. Or even ones that are stagnant, don’t move or excite you. & it’s no hard feelings. No soft ones either, lol. It’s the indifference especially that is also a deciding factor.

Are we growing together? Individually?

I’m sitting up under the remnants of the Libra full moon. Contemplating. Full Moons are about release and letting go. So.

Black leather, white feather

Queer

Feeling good. Peaceful. Grateful. Appreciating the way people show up and don’t show up.

& it’s all personal- to them.

Seems like it has everything to do with you, right? But it’s actually the other person. & their action or inaction is based on what they feel. What they got going on.

Man. I used to take that shit on. I’m…no longer in the business of doing that. It doesn’t interest me any longer. & if I’ve learned anything on this post modern queer journey: it’s to only do shit, participate in shit & give my energy to shit that lights me up. Feeling responsible for someone else’s feelings or lack there of, neither excites or lights me up, lol.

& I also changed my agreement.

& it feels fucking good. & tbh, along with this new growth-

Wait- holy fuck. Before I get into the feather…my manifestations have been coming in heavy lately. On some I create what I speak, abracadabra type shit and honestly? I’m here for it!

Something has shifted. & changed…me. And as a fixed sun, who tends to get fixated on the goddess of the season that I’m feeling (I say season bc it doesn’t happens all the time like that-that I consider & regard somebody in that way), it’s a very nice feeling to be at peace. Like…truly at peace. My elevation of happiness and peace is the proof (for my own experience) of what I’ve been speaking on for years:

So. To be..idk what to call it, but it feels like a wave…flow…of acceptance, acknowledgement and gratitude.

I have a tendency to say “everyone is my teacher” and I honestly feel that way. This woman taught me so much; from my current dating style and love languages to healthy boundaries and communication (& ways I need to/am working on improving). I mean..think about it. The people that come into our lives are never a mistake. I could never say I regret our relationship. Well, I mean I could say that. But it’s the subsequent growth for me, because of you, me & our dynamic.

Idc how long it lasted. It was valid, important and taught me some shit. & for that, for all my life and love teachers, I give thanks. The presence, the lessons and the blessings.

I found a white feather randomly in my bedroom. The internet “spirituality meaning” experts said this:

White feathers can seem like good luck, but it is less to do with luck and more to do with your vibration changing that is allowing better things to appear in your reality. In this way, white feathers are more a sign of “law of attraction” rather than random good luck.

If white feathers appear just as something positive has happened, it is a sign that you have shifted something on a deep level, such as a core belief system, that is allowing better things to come into your life. 

Receiving white feathers from the flow of the universe is a sign that you have gone through many challenges and done the hard work to break through any limiting beliefs that have held you back. This is a period of time where you connecting and identifying with your core essence and higher self. 

White feathers in this context bring a refreshed sense of hope and faith for the future and bring in the energy of gratitude and peace. You are entering into a season in your life that may be new to you, filled with gifts that the universe wants to send your way. 

To see a white feather after a positive event happens means that this is a time where you should put energy and attention towards your personal and spiritual growth, so that you can continue to open up the layers that are ready to receive the gifts headed your way. You can only hold onto the capacity that your energetic container can hold, so this is a time to expand and strengthen that container.

I’m here for it.

A quickie

Queer
When you ground and connect with your body
Connect with presence..you disconnect from consumption and overconsumption of media, background noise, even your favourite binge worthy shows. Shit is wild how uninterested you become in such things.

It just don’t hit the same.
Looking at my library at the classic and the legendary

Stillness, but not being sedentary.

Connectedness to sound and color
Emphasis on: presence in interpersonal relationships.
Support. Being there. & showing up.
Intentionally.
With a grateful heart
With clarity and abundance of appreciation for the moments that you get to spend and share with your favourite and closest people.

Disconnect, to connect.
Feel the feels usually repressed
Numbed and subdued
Consumer being consumed
With same day delivery
Post Modern Fillory

You are the magician of your own destiny
Tarot, pero

Love Letters

Queer

One of the things that I’ve realized about myself as I matured is that I like sentimental and cute shit. Take for instance a love letter.

Written by your most favourite person, in their own handwriting and with trace amounts of her signature & most intoxicating fragrance. Yeah. That.

& once I heard this song “Strawberry Letter #23” I of course had to look up the lyrics and the song meaning-as told by its writer. I found this bit of info after a quick search:

The song was written by Shuggie Otis for his second album, Freedom Flight in 1971- as a way to describe his romantic feelings for his girlfriend. Though the lyrics commonly refer to “Strawberry Letter 22,” Otis explains that, “the song is about a love letter. The guy and the girl had written each other 22 love letters. And the 23rd one he writes is a song.

Call me whatever tf you want (either way idc) but that’s the type of shit I like. Sweet, sentimental. Romance. Intention. Attention to detail…& vulnerability. Expressing your deepest feelings & sentiments- & being so vibrationally free, so wholeheartedly and whole spirited-ly in the midst of such beautiful love…that your words sound like you were on some type of psychedelic trip. I mean, check out these lyrics:

Hello, my love, I heard a kiss from you

Red magic satin playing near, too

All through the morning rain I gaze, the sun doesn’t shine

Rainbows and waterfalls run through my mind

In the garden, I see

West purple shower, bells and tea

Orange birds and river cousins dressed in green

Pretty music I hear, so happy and loud

Blue flower echo from a cherry cloud…

If you arrive and don't see me
I'm going to be with my baby
I am free, flying in her arms
Over the sea

Stained window, yellow candy screen
See speakers of kite
With velvet roses diggin'
Freedom flight
A present from you
Strawberry letter 22
The music plays
I sit in for a few

Yeah. That’s the kind of love I’m talking about. Remembering that a huge part of your experience…is to experience, love. In all of its glory.

So back to the love letter 💌 and things of that nature. I also very much so love sweet little notes from my person. From those little sticky notes left on mirrors & placed strategically in places you will definitely see them (like in your car on the steering wheel), to voice notes. I love them all. I honestly love expressiveness and vulnerability in my romantic connection.

Like…if I’m making you feel some type of way, I would love to know. I may be great at a lot of things, but being a hard core psychic or mind reader ain’t one of em, lol. So. I’m very appreciative of the woman that takes the time and has the intention of letting me know exactly how she feels about me/us/our connection and relationship.

As Alina Baraz & Galimatias say: “show me and I’m all yours.”

& just for you, the song in subject:

Nunu

Queer

It’s kinda weird-I feel the same, yet I feel different. Is it a psychological thing bc everybody (well, lots of folks) been screaming this “new year, new me” shit? Along with all the memes and posts about changing who they are-miraculously overnight, lolol. I’m such a bitch sometimes, but I mean…seriously. You finna change all the things in 1 day 🤨 I meannnnn, do you. Not saying it’s impossible, just unrealistic. & kinda unfair, I think, to put that type of pressure on yourself.

But. Anyway. I feel different. As the same person. If that makes sense (makes sense to me, lol) and this year I did something different in that I just allowed myself to be and feel my way into the newness/different ways I’m feeling and not force the usual strict regime of ok ima do this, this and this…right off the bat…back? Ima have to look that saying up. But feeling and processing where I am, into where I want to be/end up.

If this pandemic has taught me anything: it’s that we ain’t in control of shit. You make plans and God/the Universe laughs. Well this pandemic is headed for a new season so idk who laughing but shit. Jokes old now. So yeah no. No added pressure to be/achieve/control. Just navigating this goddamn covid neverland and making sure my family is straight. My connections are valued, appreciated and nourished.

And I decided to do what felt right going into the new year…& to do so moving forward. Feel my way. As a heavy Saturnian ruled person, I’m very much so used to logic, pragmatism, etc. as opposed to feeling/emotional centered. So. Embracing my cancer north node and following my North Star, this is what I’m doing. without effort. It just is. Flowing. I can fuck with this vibe always. In touch and in tune ✨

And accepting the feelings.

Oh, & another big one: accepting the human beings-as they show up-as they are. Because we’re all (well the people I know) just doing our fucking best. With what we got going on and where we are. Letting people off the hook is also letting yourself off the hook. Look at me sounding like a yoda thee G

But. All in all. I feel at peace. Lk excited since it’s my 5H profection year this year and numerology wise 2022 is the year of The Lovers, union, playfulness…just good shit. & I’m calling all of that into my experience. Beautiful ass alignment. That will blow my mind and expand my heart. Last year I purposely abstained and refrained from dating because I was intentional about getting some things done and accomplished (which I did and I’m very grateful for) that I knew I wouldn’t have the capacity for dating or entertaining any type of romantic relationship. I met some rad ass women, though. But this year, I’m aligning with a beautiful goddess and I can feel it. & I’m giving thanks in advance.

My sole focus won’t be on romantic love, though. According to my astrologer, the way my 7H is set up, I’m supposed to live my life and have all the fun-sooooo, I plan on doing that. And there are already some things in the works that I’m very excited about and it feels very refreshing to be excited about shit again & not be attaching it to only a person/relationship. There’s so many great things on the horizon, so I’m very much so looking forward to this chapter of much lighter energy and fun. Adventure and exploration-I’m a Sagittarius stellium; adventure, exploring and fun is my middle name(s)

Not to sound cliche but totally sounding cliche:

It’s a new dawn. It’s a new day. It’s a new life. For me. & I’m feeling good

Give thanks for 2022 and all of the amazing, beautiful divine blessings, love and magick it’s bringing me. Give fucking thanks!

Retro Dreams

Queer

Dreams…I like to think of them as messages from beyond. Or, even our subconscious. Could be both. Either way. These vivid ass dreams bringing lessons and reminders to the forefront-especially ones regarding love + relationships during Venus retrograde in Capricorn…that dream is so on point.

In this one, I was transported back to Cali. And working at my old spot. There was a gorgeous woman there (that I don’t recognize in real life) who just started working there a couple months prior. We decided to go have lunch together and during lunch also decided to take the rest of the day off to spend more time together since we were having such a wonderful time.

Within those hours from lunch that ended in dinner, this woman-still can’t for the life of me figure out who she is-but remember so vividly…she was so intentional and her actions reflected her interest in me. The things we spoke about and the vulnerability shared between us both..the way she supported me in a not so pleasant moment that I had earlier…it just…reminded me of all the things and ways that I deserve someone to show up for themselves, as themselves and also show up for me.

Her attentiveness, eagerness to learn more about me beyond the surface level stuff. Her gentleness and on the flip side the way she damn near cussed out an aggressive & rude waitress, lol all this shit…when I woke up I was like…ok Universe, ok Ancestors and guides…you speaking to me on some shit that I need to always remember: bare minimum effort will never cut it. Lukewarm is only good for people who prefer that temperature. I’m not one of them.

Basically Venus rx was chopping it up in my dreams. And in Capricorn no doubt. Like bitch, since you not getting it out here lemme visit you while you sleep, lolol. Also, I’m a natal Venus in Capricorn and the way that we give and love (plus add my Pisces rising to that) we go hard for the people we like, care about and love. We will do anything to make your life easier and-sometimes, (according to astrologers, a lot of times) we give too much to people that don’t deserve it. That’s literally what my astrologer reminded me in my recent reading. That we have to be mindful of giving to those who don’t reciprocate. Those who show us that they aren’t on the same level. Also something my therapist said. She be knowin, too.

Well. That dream was divinely timed to say the least. I’m up. I’m paying attention and acting accordingly. That’s what these retrogrades are for, right? Review. Reevaluate. Reassess. The fact that I dreamed about this mystery woman who shared and gave to me all that I want and need-even from the beginning…fuck. She out there. So. Yeah. I don’t mind waiting a little longer for what I deserve-I feel like this is a quote from somewhere. But. Yeah man. Give thanks for these divine messages and reminders via dreams.

Brighter Than The Sun…UT

Queer

I wrote this piece with someone in mind. As sort of a love poem, love affirmation and manifestation. But somewhere, somehow shit got lost in translation…lost in space. But found on time. I am grateful for all of my love& life teachers, regardless of length of stay. I love being inspired and moved to write words dedicated to love. That’s the root. Everything else stems from that. So. I give thanks for presence and the essence of divinity. The reminder that love is beautiful and free. & the hope of a thing also makes life more beautiful.

Image by Alex Grey
I’m writing you poetry
And consistently show you
The love that you deserve
Intentionally, slowly
Unfold you like the most delicate petals of a rose
🌹
I will leave you whole and not pluck you
But know every day I always wanna fuck you-
& love you. & I will always pick you
While leaving your roots room to grow, too

You are my Queen bee and my flower
Love you enough to relinquish power
& control
Behold, the ferocious Goddess
& that’s being modest
Cuz there aren’t enough words to describe your beauty
truly
Divine
You and I are truly aligned
The Universe and my Ancestors are so benevolent and kind

They way they placed us together
You’re my most valued treasure
Loving you is so easy. Loving you takes no effort.
I give thanks for mutual effort
Mutual love and healthy obsession
Learning in real time that I’ve mastered the lessons
Every day I am in awe of your special
Gas you and fill you up until you’re an overflowing vessel
Of love that radiates
Nothing and no one predates
Our chemistry and energy
The way we love each other, intentionally
the generosity and blessings within our connection
Is unprecedented
You found me and gave to me-thee
Sweetest love
Your care, your affection and your time

Thank you for appreciating me
Thank you for adoring me
Thank you for reciprocity
and for loving and receiving me

Thank you for being solid
And easy like Sunday morning
A Sunday kind of love is what you give every day and it’s what I’ve always wanted
Thank you for that beautiful smile
Thank you for taking the time to get to know me on deeper levels
Your love helped me discard that hard fixed sign shell
& invited me to openness
I will always love you on purpose

Each and every day
& in every way
You bring me such joy and cognizance
Learned to lead with my heart over the simply logical sense
I love our attraction, I love our passion-it’s so intense

In the best ways
I’m excited to spend time with you knowing that these aren’t even my best days
I prayed
For someone like you and here you are
Love- a beautiful reminder that love knows no distance and is never far
away

I know that heaven is a place on Earth and it’s with you
Every day is beautiful and better than the next
I love our openness
The vulnerability
We are on the road to free
Just had to make some stops along the way
I love when you message me, I love hearing your voice-it makes my night and day
So much better
I love reading your love letters
I love receiving your love…and sharing mine with you

In tune, Direct Neptune

Queer

That’s it…that’s the tweet Blog. Ok that’s not it, but damn…this Instagram post stopped me in my fucking tracks and I HAD to share it on my Story and now, here. Because I don’t want to forget it. I don’t ever want to forget the moments that led me to this post. And how divinely timed this shit was.

The fact that I had been playing “Real Love Baby” when I first saw this post also solidified what my guides were trying to tell & remind me:

That settling for lukewarm or bare minimum effort and love is not the business. That I am worthy of a love so sublime and so divine, that it reminds me of love; that I am love(d).

Every bone in my body will be sure. With love and humans coinciding-she doesn’t have to be perfect to be the antidote, the cure…

pure vibes and love. A love affair and love story to rival any epic tale. A love that’s real. And ready. & open and willing to move through the discomfort and the temporary. My love will choose me as I do her, endlessly. She will be solid in her love and intention, not on the fence about me. Not perfect, but perfect…for me.

I could write and write and write…but I’m gonna keep it brief and soak in the words above. A reminder of a perfect love for me. Imperfectly existing, never waning or drifting. Gifting me with her presence and consistency…hold her down as she lifts me. Transporting me to heights not reached previously. & honestly nobody else exists to me… Real Love, Baby

B.B. King: Bummed, but not Bitter

Queer

Presence & Acknowledgements

Presence takes on a whole new meaning for me this year-a more intentional and actual/factual meaning.

Standing in the sand ocean against feet. & Being able to look so clearly at the stars in the sky. It reminds you of how smalll you are. & how big…grand, vast…erry thing out there is. & how things are orchestrated divinely, over our own human understanding of things.

One thing that I know for sure: I am still learning and growing. And people show up exactly on time-to remind us of what being present and grounded is AND all of the ways that we may not be. Fuck.

In the midst of building a home (thank the Goddess we are nearing the finish line as the year ends, I have never felt so overwhelmed) transitioning to a whole new life and dealing with familial roots and dynamics that I haven’t been around in the last…24 or so years…it’s been a lot.

But I’m very grateful for the things that I’m learning and being connected with them again. This December makes a whole ass year since I’ve been back and it has been…1 for the books, lol. & as much as everything in my body and mind was ready to head in the opposite direction ✈️ …there is a purpose that I’m back here now. For how long? I don’t know yet. But knowing that my presence here is for something bigger than me-for family and making sure my mum is good and in a brand new home, settled after losing everything in Hurricane Dorian…is what makes every fear and uncertainty, doubt, regret…dissipate. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about how in an instant I almost lost her and the majority of my family on my Mums side…life is…fucking wild.

& when I speak of regret and doubt-it’s me speaking on my own personal demons and journey of giving up a life I have known in another country for the last 20+ years and all of the comforts, the freedom (as a queer person) and ease…that I made the very hard (but easy) decision to leave.

Because my presence was needed here. Presence. Again, that word. This reflection I’m experiencing I suppose is pretty on brand with the year coming to a close.

This post is also pertaining to a connection that I once viewed as promising and refreshing…& I still give it that, as it was. So. Now I’m boutta digress. & since my site has the word confession in it, what did you expect? Lol

I’m…hmm. Acknowledging that people are allowed to change their minds. & allowed to make decisions and choices based on what’s best for them…I have to move forward in that logical space of processing. I believe it was Chani Nicholas who posted up about Sagittarius season and called it the season of “spirited ghosting” 👻 & as a Sagg Moon…the shit is awful, but made sense and made me chuckle when I read it. However, it’s not the best feeling when it’s done to you. As anyone who has ever been on that side of the fence can attest.

Have I done it before? I’m pretty sure I have in my past. Before I grew into the person that I am now. And. So now, I’m tasked with practicing what I am always preaching (from the book The Four Agreements) & 1)doing my best to 2) not take personal someone making a personal decision for themselves. Ehhhh.

Acknowledgments.

Astrologer Danielle (one of my faves) said that your rising is there to protect your Sun. And with Pisces as my rising…umm I dunno bout that 😂 jk, jk. Because with my Aquarius Sun and Sagg Moon…I definitely needed to have that water rising to protect my Sun (at 29° Leo, no doubt) and me from being too hard, selfish, egotistical, self consumed, etc….that water is so necessary. & even though we know the fish can be a bit much sometimes, it’s exactly what I needed to provide the balance necessary that I always strive towards lined up with my Air sun, Fire Moon and Earth Venus. Perfect. For me. & for whomever I end up aligned with in a relationship.

Because I understand now. And I’m so much better and letting things be exactly what they are, without attaching negatively to it, idealizing or romanticizing it to the point of delusion…Neptune can make you do that shit, lol. But. I realize that I can’t do anything with the potential of a thing, only the reality of it. Fuck.

Wisdom comes at a cost, lol. You see me here intellectually speaking on this shit, but I would be lying if I sat here typing and said that this presence and then absence of something/someone hasn’t affected me at all. I’m a human, not a robot contrary to typical Aquarius slander. It’s affected me. Not in an egotistical way though-because like I said, everyone has a right to do what is best for them & I always say that no one belongs to anyone else- but changed me in a way that has helped me grow. I was able to open up and show my vulnerable side to someone (I usually don’t that quickly-Capricorn Venus-lemme stop there because this connection has proven that I have grown) so being open and vulnerable with someone was once a challenge. But. This perfect alignment with her (be it short lived) has shown me all the the ways I have grown for the better. & not being bitter about something that I had so much hope for dissipating the way it did.

It gives me hope and I am grateful for being able to see me; as the person that I was once working to become (in relation to relating to someone I’m feeling/interested in romantically). Fuck. Because I know when I do align and connect with someone on this level again, I know that I’ve done the work and am capable of giving and sharing love, care, myself etc wholeheartedly…with only the intentions of giving and receiving the highest love. Sans unhealthy attachment, ego, none of that shit that I used to deal/rock with.

It’s fucking possible! Lol. It’s a great feeling amidst being bummed about something not going according to my own human plan-but the Universe and my Ancestors…they know what’s up and I trust them. That every redirection of energy and attention is for my highest good and the highest good of all involved.

That’s the shit, man. Because I always say that things are always working out for me-for my highest good AND the highest good of all involved…sometimes I just wanna be selfish and just say for my own highest good, Lolol. But. That’s not what love is. If we being real. I want shit to work for me, but also for you, too. I want it to be working for the higher good for us both. Smh. When tf did I become this person, lol. Well. I am grateful to be here, now. As I am.

I’m here to give and share real love (Cancer 5H and NN) with others. Remind them that they are worthy of the greatest love and care. Might not be from me forever, but they are worthy nonetheless. & acknowledging that I can’t do the work for anyone else but myself. & I am only responsible for me and how I choose to show up. That being said, I will never regret giving or sharing any of my love/care/concern with anyone, because it’s who I am. I’m a fucking lover, man. & I’m grateful for those who see me, feel me, receive me as I am and choose to intentionally show up and reciprocate. & for the ones who don’t, can’t/are unable to for whatever reason…peace to them.

Everyone is my teacher.

Eternally grateful for my life teachers that bless me with lessons that I needed to see/learn. To help fix my vision and readjustment of frequencies. Operating from fear, or embodying of a “runner/chaser” energy is not it. Because anything that is avoiding or running…doesn’t want to be chased. Shit makes sense don’t it? That’s not the type of energy I desire. I’m operating from a space of love and alignment now. & knowing that I am worthy of all the love that I give out. All the good shit, I am worthy of. And as I exhale and release this long ass post of acknowledgments, I am extremely grateful to be here. Thank you, thank you, thank you.