B.B. King: Bummed, but not Bitter

Queer

Presence & Acknowledgements

Presence takes on a whole new meaning for me this year-a more intentional and actual/factual meaning.

Standing in the sand ocean against feet. & Being able to look so clearly at the stars in the sky. It reminds you of how smalll you are. & how big…grand, vast…erry thing out there is. & how things are orchestrated divinely, over our own human understanding of things.

One thing that I know for sure: I am still learning and growing. And people show up exactly on time-to remind us of what being present and grounded is AND all of the ways that we may not be. Fuck.

In the midst of building a home (thank the Goddess we are nearing the finish line as the year ends, I have never felt so overwhelmed) transitioning to a whole new life and dealing with familial roots and dynamics that I haven’t been around in the last…24 or so years…it’s been a lot.

But I’m very grateful for the things that I’m learning and being connected with them again. This December makes a whole ass year since I’ve been back and it has been…1 for the books, lol. & as much as everything in my body and mind was ready to head in the opposite direction ✈️ …there is a purpose that I’m back here now. For how long? I don’t know yet. But knowing that my presence here is for something bigger than me-for family and making sure my mum is good and in a brand new home, settled after losing everything in Hurricane Dorian…is what makes every fear and uncertainty, doubt, regret…dissipate. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about how in an instant I almost lost her and the majority of my family on my Mums side…life is…fucking wild.

& when I speak of regret and doubt-it’s me speaking on my own personal demons and journey of giving up a life I have known in another country for the last 20+ years and all of the comforts, the freedom (as a queer person) and ease…that I made the very hard (but easy) decision to leave.

Because my presence was needed here. Presence. Again, that word. This reflection I’m experiencing I suppose is pretty on brand with the year coming to a close.

This post is also pertaining to a connection that I once viewed as promising and refreshing…& I still give it that, as it was. So. Now I’m boutta digress. & since my site has the word confession in it, what did you expect? Lol

I’m…hmm. Acknowledging that people are allowed to change their minds. & allowed to make decisions and choices based on what’s best for them…I have to move forward in that logical space of processing. I believe it was Chani Nicholas who posted up about Sagittarius season and called it the season of “spirited ghosting” 👻 & as a Sagg Moon…the shit is awful, but made sense and made me chuckle when I read it. However, it’s not the best feeling when it’s done to you. As anyone who has ever been on that side of the fence can attest.

Have I done it before? I’m pretty sure I have in my past. Before I grew into the person that I am now. And. So now, I’m tasked with practicing what I am always preaching (from the book The Four Agreements) & 1)doing my best to 2) not take personal someone making a personal decision for themselves. Ehhhh.

Acknowledgments.

Astrologer Danielle (one of my faves) said that your rising is there to protect your Sun. And with Pisces as my rising…umm I dunno bout that 😂 jk, jk. Because with my Aquarius Sun and Sagg Moon…I definitely needed to have that water rising to protect my Sun (at 29° Leo, no doubt) and me from being too hard, selfish, egotistical, self consumed, etc….that water is so necessary. & even though we know the fish can be a bit much sometimes, it’s exactly what I needed to provide the balance necessary that I always strive towards lined up with my Air sun, Fire Moon and Earth Venus. Perfect. For me. & for whomever I end up aligned with in a relationship.

Because I understand now. And I’m so much better and letting things be exactly what they are, without attaching negatively to it, idealizing or romanticizing it to the point of delusion…Neptune can make you do that shit, lol. But. I realize that I can’t do anything with the potential of a thing, only the reality of it. Fuck.

Wisdom comes at a cost, lol. You see me here intellectually speaking on this shit, but I would be lying if I sat here typing and said that this presence and then absence of something/someone hasn’t affected me at all. I’m a human, not a robot contrary to typical Aquarius slander. It’s affected me. Not in an egotistical way though-because like I said, everyone has a right to do what is best for them & I always say that no one belongs to anyone else- but changed me in a way that has helped me grow. I was able to open up and show my vulnerable side to someone (I usually don’t that quickly-Capricorn Venus-lemme stop there because this connection has proven that I have grown) so being open and vulnerable with someone was once a challenge. But. This perfect alignment with her (be it short lived) has shown me all the the ways I have grown for the better. & not being bitter about something that I had so much hope for dissipating the way it did.

It gives me hope and I am grateful for being able to see me; as the person that I was once working to become (in relation to relating to someone I’m feeling/interested in romantically). Fuck. Because I know when I do align and connect with someone on this level again, I know that I’ve done the work and am capable of giving and sharing love, care, myself etc wholeheartedly…with only the intentions of giving and receiving the highest love. Sans unhealthy attachment, ego, none of that shit that I used to deal/rock with.

It’s fucking possible! Lol. It’s a great feeling amidst being bummed about something not going according to my own human plan-but the Universe and my Ancestors…they know what’s up and I trust them. That every redirection of energy and attention is for my highest good and the highest good of all involved.

That’s the shit, man. Because I always say that things are always working out for me-for my highest good AND the highest good of all involved…sometimes I just wanna be selfish and just say for my own highest good, Lolol. But. That’s not what love is. If we being real. I want shit to work for me, but also for you, too. I want it to be working for the higher good for us both. Smh. When tf did I become this person, lol. Well. I am grateful to be here, now. As I am.

I’m here to give and share real love (Cancer 5H and NN) with others. Remind them that they are worthy of the greatest love and care. Might not be from me forever, but they are worthy nonetheless. & acknowledging that I can’t do the work for anyone else but myself. & I am only responsible for me and how I choose to show up. That being said, I will never regret giving or sharing any of my love/care/concern with anyone, because it’s who I am. I’m a fucking lover, man. & I’m grateful for those who see me, feel me, receive me as I am and choose to intentionally show up and reciprocate. & for the ones who don’t, can’t/are unable to for whatever reason…peace to them.

Everyone is my teacher.

Eternally grateful for my life teachers that bless me with lessons that I needed to see/learn. To help fix my vision and readjustment of frequencies. Operating from fear, or embodying of a “runner/chaser” energy is not it. Because anything that is avoiding or running…doesn’t want to be chased. Shit makes sense don’t it? That’s not the type of energy I desire. I’m operating from a space of love and alignment now. & knowing that I am worthy of all the love that I give out. All the good shit, I am worthy of. And as I exhale and release this long ass post of acknowledgments, I am extremely grateful to be here. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Etta James every day

Uncategorized

I do my best to wake up not only peacefully, but as I open my eyes and rise to a new day, give thanks for it. Give thanks for all the things and human beings in my life. I also do my best to not immediately check emails or social media. I didn’t say that I was perfect at it, I said I do my best. But more often than not, I prevail against the machine. I’ve been taking extended breaks from the likes of Instagram (don’t fuck with FB or Tiktok) and unplugging from the always connected and very disconnected social media Matrix.

As a creator and artist, in the beginning, this was hard to do. Because you realize that once you start sharing your creations and art, people expect you to be on there and posting every day. Or reply to every DM, every collab request, every single thing…on their time (meaning right away) Some things require more urgency, & if it’s my people/friends, that’s different I hit them right back when I get back on, but for the most part…nah. I really had to check myself and check in with myself with my relationship to social media. I realized that the energy of always being online-from waking up first thing and checking your phone and being on it all day had become sort of a fucked up ritual. & acknowledging that social media is intentionally designed to become addictive, I had to change my habits and relationship to it. There came a point that it was so much, that I turned off all of my notifications on everything, and I never turned them back on (such peace).

Cuz some folks really have the audacity to be in my DM’s asking me why I don’t post on a regular schedule or post more content. As if they spend the time, energy, etc. themselves to create it. wild. & It wasn’t until recently that I was introduced to human design and found out that I am what is known as a Manifesting Generator. That shit is actually pretty on brand when you research it. Because it confirmed my own modus operandi when dealing with sharing/creating and social media: I only post when I am moved to do so. When I am inspired and lit up with energy to do so. I treat my art and creating like I do my connections: never force them.

I respond and act. & so now I extend that energy into other areas of my life that also need tending to. Pulling back from the socials (not Twitter, I love twitter, lol. I also intentionally don’t have the convenience of the app. Gimme some credit) has really been beneficial to my intentions of being more present, centered and grounded. Connecting more with myself, my humans and the Earth. That in itself is it’s own kind of love story. A Sunday kind of love story that I will never take for granted again.

What Does A Sunday Kind Of Love Look/Feel Like? (this is my own personal experience)

It's gratitude before you even get outta bed. 
It's making sure you oil pull (on designated days)
It's drinking warm spring water with citrus before anything
Body movement, exercise and stretching
Grounding
No more latte's and coffee, but instead herbal teas
Fresh fruits for breaking fast; consuming fruits with seeds
It's taking time outta the day to smell the flowers and the sea breeze
It's...solfeggio frequencies
having my own and respecting others boundaries
Flow, never forcing
and meditation
sun salutations, touching the Earth with bare feet and sun bathing
It's...therapy sessions
journaling and learning
continuing the great unlearn-
of habits
& outdated practices and ways that we don't show up for ourselves
It's...thinking better (more positive) thoughts
& not taking shit personally (seriously, read The Four Agreements)
It's living my life as authentically as possible
It's...having faith that what is aligned for my highest good (& the highest good of all involved) manifests harmoniously and in divine time
it's...relinquishing control and knowing that I am only responsible for how I show up
It's giving and sharing love, sans expectations or attachments to outcomes
It's showing up and being present with and for loved ones
checking in on your loved ones
especially the ones like myself who have always been labelled "the strong ones"

& remembering that we also deserve the same love, care and concern that we give to others. It’s also not trying to be everything for everybody else, especially without checking in on self-first. It’s declining dinner dates and lunch meetings to take that time to just be…with me. In my past I was ALWAYS on the go. Always doing something. Be it for work or for the social life. & there was never a healthy balance. I was hella successful and accomplished…and also depleted. I needed to see that life had so much more meaning; & is meant to not only be lived, but experienced. So. I changed some shit up.

Started meditating and that was such a game changer (& of course disconnecting from responding and scrolling all the time). & re-connected with my past loves that I neglected in the process. My love for art, writing, music, books, nature…and family life. Being a Life path 4, Capricorn Venus and South Node, I did not take the time that I should have to connect with them because I was too busy building and expanding on my American Dream…so there was no time for them (my partner, my family). Or rather, I made no time for them because truth is…there ‘s always a choice. Until a natural disaster struck and made sure that was no longer the case. I was forced to slow down and recalibrate. This drastic change made way for a new chapter-shit, I say a whole ass new book in my own personal legend (if personal legend stuck out to you, you’re really smart and have read The Alchemist).

1 of my favourite books

This new book gave me back my memory. Of what it is to be/feel free. To contribute in more ways than 1, to my family tree. To love openly and honestly. That vulnerability is bae. It taught, (well, still is teaching me) about the importance of valuing and nourishing my connections. & to never again neglect self, or them. I feel extremely grateful and blessed to be here in this space and place of growth. & the actions that I take, the moves I make…all of the roads now stem from love. A Sunday kind of love, everyday.

Yeezy 18’s

Lesbian, LGBTQ, qpoc, Queer, qwoc

I’m going to attempt to watch something funny. One of my favourite shows. Something that would make me smile, cry real tears  (not just emoji ones) of laughter and remember how much of a gift it is to be able to laugh (Shout out to Mindy Kaling and the Mindy Project. Its hilarious). A gift to feel and experience joy. Happiness. All of the moments are precious. Don’t count them, but make them count (I feel like that last line is a real quote from someone 🤔)

Damn. Death sure has a way of kicking you in the balls; actual or strapped on ones-don’t matter you get the reference.

But shit. If someone kicks you in the balls (I’m assuming & also going by countless cinematic scenes where the cis gendered dude seems to be in excruciating pain 🎬) you probably deserved it? Bc who does that to someone w/o reason? (Aside from men 🙄)

Am I saying that when someone dies that we deserve to experience death/loss/grief in that way? No. That would be hella idiotic and quite a problematic statement.

What I’m saying izzzzz: We deserve to live. To remember to live, while we are here.

We deserve to be loved fully, wholly as ourselves and to give/return that same love to others. We deserve to experience the full, infinite magnitude and spectrum of love and to be in relationships that nourish & nurture us. We are here for the experience of life and living.

Nothing like a new ancestor to remind your ass to grab life by the horns (shout out to my Uncle, a Taurus, my mum and all my bulls 🤘) & make your experience reflect your authentic expression.

Passion. Love. Life is living.

Goddess, bless the dead

and

bless the mortals still alive, who are playing dead…the walking dead.

Love to you in your moments. Life. The gift. Open up.

– Syn El Sol ☀

& 4 the 1st Time

LGBTQ

I heard the Voice
Of the Divine

Saying these words to me. Comforting me within my discomfort. As opposed to a Distant Lover.

Growth can hurt sometimes…

But. I’m chillin. iPod on shuffle & Helen Folasade Adu’s lyrics transform from needing/seeking Love from the external, to receiving/accepting the Love from within

From the Source.

“By Your Side” by Sade

“You think I’d leave your side baby
You know me better than that
You think I’d leave you down when you’re down on your knees
I wouldn’t do that
I’ll tell you you’re right when you want
Ha ah ah ah ah ah
And if only you could see into me

Oh, when you’re cold
I’ll be there
Hold you tight to me

When you’re on the outside baby and you can`t get in
I will show you you’re so much better than you know
When you’re lost and you’re alone and you can’t get back again
I will find you darling and I will bring you home

And if you want to cry
I am here to dry your eyes
And in no time
You’ll be fine

You think I’d leave your side baby
You know me better than that
You think I’d leave you down when you’re down on your knees
I wouldn’t do that
I’ll tell you you’re right when you want
Ha ah ah ah ah ah
And if only you could see into me

Oh when you’re cold
I’ll be there
Hold you tight to me
Oh when you’re low
I’ll be there
By your side baby

Oh when you’re cold
I’ll be there
Hold you tight to me
Oh when you’re low
I’ll be there
By your side baby”

I love Divine Reminders! Thank you, Sade. Give thanks for music and the muses.