generational curse

Saturn in Pisces

Queer

I no longer wish to subscribe to,

participate in

Or be…ripped to shreds

By: this generational curse

Look at what you done to me

You put a gun to me

Then you brought the Sun to me.

“Stay Ready” (What A Life) by Jhene Aiko featuring Kendrick Lamar
Your proverbial gun led me to the Sun 
& my way out of the darkness
It was…acceptance
Grief. Every stage
It seemed like, all…in one day

Give thanks. That contrast begets clarity
Producing astonishing colours & never to be to duplicated art-
These tears
cleansing this cycle of insanity

Offering more love
&,
offering more of…broken trust
Thrown back to me
Adorned on a golden, Venusian platter
I will always choose love…over the latter
I choose my peace, over this natural disaster
Protection and self preservation
And.
I can’t heal a wound, whilst allowing it to be constantly re-injured.

Saturn.
Pisces.
Retrograde, natal.

And if your goals include healing, growth, &/or moving on from things, people, substances, escapism. . .etc that don’t fuel your best, nor well-interest, higher good or well-being…

You know what it is. Nouns: person, place or tings.

Release what is no longer yours to carry & never forget that Your journey is personal. And healing isn’t linear.

Love & above ☝🏾 ✨

~Syn

Oh. Here is an article on Saturn in Pisces by Chani Nicholas (also where the post image is from). She’s one of the professional astrologers that I follow on a couple socials:

What You Need to Know About Saturn in Pisces

Message in a bottle (Mummy Dearest)

Queer 
After Mercury. & After Mars.
They both retrograde right now. & it was by the grace of the twitter gods that reminded me of this astrological occurrence with those 2 planets.

Still. I hopped on WhatsApp and began typing a message to my mum.
Some of the realest shit I ever wrote.

I have some things I need to get off of my chest. Release this negative energy and this pressure in my heart. Because holding things in, makes ppl explode. And it’s counterproductive to any type of growth.

Why do you volunteer information that no one asked you for?

It seems like whenever (especially) you are feeling some type of way about me, you always do that. Say something to try and embarrass me or put me down in some way, in front of others.

Why do you do that? It’s so toxic and unnecessary. And just, the actions of someone who doesn’t like or actually hates the other person. That’s how you make me feel. Please stop doing this. It’s embarrassing for the both of us esp when it’s front of people.

Tonight…tonight I am accepting FINALLY that some generational curses, maybe just can’t be broken. Because the toxic bonds/relationships and the horrible ways we handle, treat & mistreat one another…being BLOOD related…Has got to be a curse. With the exception of aunt L and her children, we are cursed with toxicity with the women and their children. 

The proof is all there. & I can’t change anything and want to do better and be better, for the both of us. To not want to have a bad relationship with my mother like Y & AV. C and AV. All of you sisters. Once you all get angry you completely cut each other off and move on. That’s so unhealthy and so toxic.

No one apologizes. No one is accountable. We just have attitudes and stop speaking to each other. Where is the love???? Where is the compassion and understanding that we have for everyone else, but each other?

Doing the same thing, being the same harmful, mean, hurtful person…and expecting different results, is called insanity.

I feel like a stranger compared to the way you treat other people. Like you prefer everyone else on the planet as your child or adopted child, over me. This is how I feel. & it breaks my heart. This ya how I’ve felt for as long as I can remember.

I don’t want to live a stressful uncomfortable life. & Nobody wants to walk on eggshells as you put it. Or be in negative ass energy. I feel like emotionally and psychologically, I’m regressing here.

In this life I’ve learned that some people…just do better loving each other, from a distance.

It’s a hard pill to swallow when it’s a personal truth, but I have to acknowledge and accept that this path and the way we are with each other when things go left, is not healthy. It’s not good. & this is why I’ve made the decision to detach from this toxicity.

2Pac. Fences. (That’s just the way it is)

Queer 
I love you. I have learned. For my own protection.
and self preservation (mentally, emotionally, psychologically)
That like you
when it comes to me…
I don’t like you.
The generational curse is strong in this one.
-Dear Mama

Ironically enough..My mum sent me the same clip as the gif I used as the feature image on this post (she sent the extra long clip from Fences, starring Denzel some years back. This was not a teachable moment for her. It was more of an affirming one. Matter of fact, she used that clip to REMIND me that being available emotionally, nurturing, kind, etc. was not here role as a parent. It was to provide.

She never ceases to remind me in some way that A) she never wanted kids.

And B) it’s always been more toleration than genuinely wanting to be a parent.

C)It fucking sucks to be on the receiving end of this your whole life.

Day 3. 2023. Maybe one day I’ll stop taking the shit personally. Or, maybe I won’t and this wound will forever be mine to experience. Idk.