B.B. King: Bummed, but not Bitter

Queer

Presence & Acknowledgements

Presence takes on a whole new meaning for me this year-a more intentional and actual/factual meaning.

Standing in the sand ocean against feet. & Being able to look so clearly at the stars in the sky. It reminds you of how smalll you are. & how big…grand, vast…erry thing out there is. & how things are orchestrated divinely, over our own human understanding of things.

One thing that I know for sure: I am still learning and growing. And people show up exactly on time-to remind us of what being present and grounded is AND all of the ways that we may not be. Fuck.

In the midst of building a home (thank the Goddess we are nearing the finish line as the year ends, I have never felt so overwhelmed) transitioning to a whole new life and dealing with familial roots and dynamics that I haven’t been around in the last…24 or so years…it’s been a lot.

But I’m very grateful for the things that I’m learning and being connected with them again. This December makes a whole ass year since I’ve been back and it has been…1 for the books, lol. & as much as everything in my body and mind was ready to head in the opposite direction ✈️ …there is a purpose that I’m back here now. For how long? I don’t know yet. But knowing that my presence here is for something bigger than me-for family and making sure my mum is good and in a brand new home, settled after losing everything in Hurricane Dorian…is what makes every fear and uncertainty, doubt, regret…dissipate. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about how in an instant I almost lost her and the majority of my family on my Mums side…life is…fucking wild.

& when I speak of regret and doubt-it’s me speaking on my own personal demons and journey of giving up a life I have known in another country for the last 20+ years and all of the comforts, the freedom (as a queer person) and ease…that I made the very hard (but easy) decision to leave.

Because my presence was needed here. Presence. Again, that word. This reflection I’m experiencing I suppose is pretty on brand with the year coming to a close.

This post is also pertaining to a connection that I once viewed as promising and refreshing…& I still give it that, as it was. So. Now I’m boutta digress. & since my site has the word confession in it, what did you expect? Lol

I’m…hmm. Acknowledging that people are allowed to change their minds. & allowed to make decisions and choices based on what’s best for them…I have to move forward in that logical space of processing. I believe it was Chani Nicholas who posted up about Sagittarius season and called it the season of “spirited ghosting” 👻 & as a Sagg Moon…the shit is awful, but made sense and made me chuckle when I read it. However, it’s not the best feeling when it’s done to you. As anyone who has ever been on that side of the fence can attest.

Have I done it before? I’m pretty sure I have in my past. Before I grew into the person that I am now. And. So now, I’m tasked with practicing what I am always preaching (from the book The Four Agreements) & 1)doing my best to 2) not take personal someone making a personal decision for themselves. Ehhhh.

Acknowledgments.

Astrologer Danielle (one of my faves) said that your rising is there to protect your Sun. And with Pisces as my rising…umm I dunno bout that 😂 jk, jk. Because with my Aquarius Sun and Sagg Moon…I definitely needed to have that water rising to protect my Sun (at 29° Leo, no doubt) and me from being too hard, selfish, egotistical, self consumed, etc….that water is so necessary. & even though we know the fish can be a bit much sometimes, it’s exactly what I needed to provide the balance necessary that I always strive towards lined up with my Air sun, Fire Moon and Earth Venus. Perfect. For me. & for whomever I end up aligned with in a relationship.

Because I understand now. And I’m so much better and letting things be exactly what they are, without attaching negatively to it, idealizing or romanticizing it to the point of delusion…Neptune can make you do that shit, lol. But. I realize that I can’t do anything with the potential of a thing, only the reality of it. Fuck.

Wisdom comes at a cost, lol. You see me here intellectually speaking on this shit, but I would be lying if I sat here typing and said that this presence and then absence of something/someone hasn’t affected me at all. I’m a human, not a robot contrary to typical Aquarius slander. It’s affected me. Not in an egotistical way though-because like I said, everyone has a right to do what is best for them & I always say that no one belongs to anyone else- but changed me in a way that has helped me grow. I was able to open up and show my vulnerable side to someone (I usually don’t that quickly-Capricorn Venus-lemme stop there because this connection has proven that I have grown) so being open and vulnerable with someone was once a challenge. But. This perfect alignment with her (be it short lived) has shown me all the the ways I have grown for the better. & not being bitter about something that I had so much hope for dissipating the way it did.

It gives me hope and I am grateful for being able to see me; as the person that I was once working to become (in relation to relating to someone I’m feeling/interested in romantically). Fuck. Because I know when I do align and connect with someone on this level again, I know that I’ve done the work and am capable of giving and sharing love, care, myself etc wholeheartedly…with only the intentions of giving and receiving the highest love. Sans unhealthy attachment, ego, none of that shit that I used to deal/rock with.

It’s fucking possible! Lol. It’s a great feeling amidst being bummed about something not going according to my own human plan-but the Universe and my Ancestors…they know what’s up and I trust them. That every redirection of energy and attention is for my highest good and the highest good of all involved.

That’s the shit, man. Because I always say that things are always working out for me-for my highest good AND the highest good of all involved…sometimes I just wanna be selfish and just say for my own highest good, Lolol. But. That’s not what love is. If we being real. I want shit to work for me, but also for you, too. I want it to be working for the higher good for us both. Smh. When tf did I become this person, lol. Well. I am grateful to be here, now. As I am.

I’m here to give and share real love (Cancer 5H and NN) with others. Remind them that they are worthy of the greatest love and care. Might not be from me forever, but they are worthy nonetheless. & acknowledging that I can’t do the work for anyone else but myself. & I am only responsible for me and how I choose to show up. That being said, I will never regret giving or sharing any of my love/care/concern with anyone, because it’s who I am. I’m a fucking lover, man. & I’m grateful for those who see me, feel me, receive me as I am and choose to intentionally show up and reciprocate. & for the ones who don’t, can’t/are unable to for whatever reason…peace to them.

Everyone is my teacher.

Eternally grateful for my life teachers that bless me with lessons that I needed to see/learn. To help fix my vision and readjustment of frequencies. Operating from fear, or embodying of a “runner/chaser” energy is not it. Because anything that is avoiding or running…doesn’t want to be chased. Shit makes sense don’t it? That’s not the type of energy I desire. I’m operating from a space of love and alignment now. & knowing that I am worthy of all the love that I give out. All the good shit, I am worthy of. And as I exhale and release this long ass post of acknowledgments, I am extremely grateful to be here. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

One is loved because one is loved

Queer
Via their Instagram: Queerbrainslut

ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE VALID, NO MATTER WHAT THEY LOOK OR SEEM LIKE TO OTHERS.
I THINK IT’S SO IMPORTANT & HEALTHY TO CENTER CONNECTION-IN WHATEVER FORMS THEY MANIFEST AS LONG AS IT’S HEALTHY FOR ALL INVOLVED.

I CAN’T IMAGINE NOT APPRECIATING OR DISMISSING GENUINE & INTENTIONAL LOVE/CONNECTION BECAUSE IT DOESN’T FIT INSIDE OF A BOX.

The Alchemist

Oh, lemme just say that all caps above is from the font I was using on my IG Story that I decided to turn into this blog entry. I never use all caps like that. But I damn sure wasn’t about to retype it, lol.

So. Anyway. Back to the ideas of love & relationships fitting neatly into boxes…one thing that I learned and realized is that love is all encompassing & should never try to be contained-especially to maintain the hierarchical, patriarchal, heteronormative lens..nah. Being a queer person that shit does not work for me any longer. I’m grateful to be learning more as I grow further. & relationship anarchy is a term I’ve just recently learned.

We shouldn’t deny ourselves the pleasure and joy of loving and co-creating happiness with other humans-based on views that say it has to look this particular way or be this particular thing in order to be valid or deemed important.

Yo. Have you lived in this world? With all of the virtual everything, dependency on machines rather than humans/replacing human interaction & connection…society is disconnected enough. We should want to be connected (oh the redundancy of this word) as much as we can in a society that wants us to be separatists, unhappy, dependent on things that numb us…yo. If I connect with someone genuinely (& mutually) in any capacity, I am grateful.

I’m typically speaking of friendship, non sexual, community, etc. Friends that become family. Humans that you are close to but only see like once a year or longer for some, but still very connected. Humans that I would absolutely coparent with-but have no sexual or romantic relationship with. People that we become close to after dealing with them strictly on an online basis. Listen, I’m Uranus ruled via my Sun & my Mercury-so online friends is a thing for me. Some of my dearest people I’ve met online. So. To dismiss any of those relationships and say they aren’t valid would be a loss to the greater sense of my own personal community of humans.

Love will never belong in a box

And as a Capricorn Venus, I admit that in romantic relationships I am a bit more “traditional” in the sense that I am a monogamous person who prefers & thrives in stability and longevity. I don’t think that will every change. But, what does that look like outside and inside of those parameters? I’m more concerned with loving and experiencing the person. Intimacy and connection. Even if it doesn’t happen in the most typical or traditional way. So. I’m not denying or suppressing my love or feelings-if they there, they are there and happening on purpose. We can figure out the other details in time, but love for me, is what’s most important. And being moved by someone. Inspired by them. In awe of them and their human and divine expression. I give a shit about that. Not a box 📦 of neatly arranged and controlled, or worse, suppressed emotions.

Love is constant. & happens because it is supposed to. When it’s supposed to individuals on their journey. I would be a fool to deny such a beautiful gift.

3-4 months

Queer

I know pain, like Kurt Cobain

Or A.I. playing, hurt the whole game

-Common
How do you love the love of your life for so long...from high school sweethearts to, still very happily and blissfully together for 33 years...then in an instant* learn that you have 3 -4 months left with them before they die?

How?

Like...it seem unfathomable. surreal. 

All those years of loving. All of the history and the memories...and the planning for the future...to now have a future of 3-4 months?

Life can be benevolent, as it can be cruel. Because on one hand the type of love, bond and connection that they have nurtured, grown and maintained for all of these years is the blessing. Getting to wake up next to the love of your life every day. A partner in life and  spouse who you adore and adores you equally...someone who knows all of your quirks, hopes, fears, dreams, secrets...someone who has vowed to never leave your side...is being made to. By life. By an aggressive cancer recently discovered. 

Her life came to a complete standstill as she contemplated what kind of life would be normal, when the most normal part of her existence would soon be gone. She contemplated her breath...because it seemed as the days passed, she forgot that it was automatic. All she knew now were monitors and doctors and tests. As her partners light grew more dim, she fought the urge every day to maintain her own. 
She felt as if her own life force was slipping away, as she watched that of her partners slowly leave, day by day.

The kids and the spiritualists these days would say some new age crap about not being attached to people and some more insensitive and love lacking bullshit. But what do they know? Have they experienced this level and depth of irrefutable love, commitment or connection? No. Of course not. They are too busy being hyper independent, unattached, closed off and afraid to swim beneath any surface that requires relinquishing their perceived power or surrendering their egos to love anyone pass their "boundaries" (no matter how unhealthy they are). 
It's easy to say "don't be attached to other people" when you've never genuinely been connected to someone.
Especially someone who has seen and loved you through your best and your worst...and chose every day to love you and show up for you...for 33 years. To cheer you on and grow with you through the changed minds, changed ideals & beliefs, changed appearances and the changes of life. Your meditation partner in the mornings. Your walking buddy in the evenings after work. Your daily reminder that the Universe/God-dess/this benevolent force that brought you this wonderful, imperfect human who is completely perfect for you...is real.

What isn't real...is the current reality, as it inches towards the most unreal future. One without the love of her life. In 3-4 months.

I wish the words above were based on fiction, but unfortunately they’re based on the very recent and current journey of two of my people. Life is wild. Strange…beautiful. & At times like these…absolutely unbelievable and heartbreaking.

Soulmates & Grace.

Queer

Having friends in your life who become family…is such a beautiful gift. & one that keeps on giving.

Because once you realize you’ve found & attracted these perfectly imperfect beings along your path who not only show up in their own lives, but also yours to help you circumnavigate this process called being human…you become so grateful for love that shows up in all forms.

Within these folks, I am reminded that I am loved and receive love always and in all ways.

*side note to this main note*

Connections are beautiful-as long as they are genuine/authentic and healthy. -mutual love & respect for the other. No weird ass vibes…no iffy folx…nah.

⚡️

Ok so.

Connections…

you get to experience these different levels + different types of love & you think, “damn, I’m blessed AF to have human beings who see me & who’ve seen me in all of my mess and my glory…and choose (there’s always a choice) to fuck with me and love me. To check me if I need it & also cheer for me…share with me…etc.

What love. What a fucking blessing.

Then,

the Universe compounds these connections with lessons. & align you with these super saiyan beings who teach us SO much and help us get to the next level; vibrationally/energetically, emotionally, etc.

To show you, you.

Some people are like mirrors that reflect the darkest and most beautiful parts. Others help bring you some light (it’s all about balance).

They show up because you need them.

To help you expand. To love the shit outta you and remind you of divine love. To break and bend your ass…transform you via this strange & beautiful metamorphosis-a la Franz Kafka (sans the bug that we shall not mention) and realize some shit that you weren’t getting on your own.

These relationships are so valid and so important & don’t always have “happy endings” some connections are not supposed to remain with us on our entire journey. So…there’s that. & then on the other hand, some last a lifetime.

Either way, I give thanks for my life/relationship teachers and healers; my soul fam, my soul mates, past loves, current and future ones.

Thank you. I needed you. You were/are supposed to show up.