I had such a tremendous experience(s) this weekend. So much love. So much celebrating. So much quality time with people I don’t get to spend time with that often. It was simply beautiful.
& Also, TONS of work prepping for the ting. Being 1000% present & attentive during the ting.
After a successful, & I do mean full, day (week+ prep) celebrating the woman who helped anchor me to this world…I’m exhausted. Very grateful and very full (love, gratitude, community) and this morning I was prompted to slow tf down.
Please believe this was a v painful (thanks Saturn) reminder as I was carrying the bags of leftover 🗑 to the curb-think, cans, beer & wine bottles) I did some maneuver that was the wrong fucking way to maneuve 🤨 (move) apparently 😂 but that last bag sent me to my doctors office this morning.
& so, 1 steroid shot and a couple of prescriptions later, here I am.
Im actually writing in bed. Wondering if this shit gonna kick in to full gear or stall at 80%. Well. Grateful for everything that led me here, still. Cuz all that work and energy was absolutely worth it.
If being away from my family for 20+ years has taught me anything, it’s to cherish your fucking moments and especially, your people. So. I will never regret showing up and showing tf out, for my love, fam & friends. People should know (ofc not just on 1 day outta the year, no) consistently feel and know how much you care for and love them. We are placed here to love. & to enjoy ourselves-whatever tf that might look like to you.
& as I recognize the lessons in real time more and more now, I’m grateful for the shit. Cuz it only helps make me better.
You gotta be it, to receive it (authentically)
& give it to yourself first, before ever trying to replenish your well.
Be your own water. You the well, too.
🤔 I think the muscle relaxer & anti inflammatory 💊 kickin in, lolol. That’s all the epiphanies from me (fa now 😎)
“Stay Ready” (What A Life) by Jhene Aiko featuring Kendrick Lamar
Your proverbial gun led me to the Sun & my way out of the darkness It was…acceptance Grief. Every stage It seemed like, all…in one day
Give thanks. That contrast begets clarity Producing astonishing colours & never to be to duplicated art- These tears cleansing this cycle of insanity
Offering more love &, offering more of…broken trust Thrown back to me Adorned on a golden, Venusian platter I will always choose love…over the latter I choose my peace, over this natural disaster Protection and self preservation And. I can’t heal a wound, whilst allowing it to be constantly re-injured.
Saturn. Pisces. Retrograde, natal.
And if your goals include healing, growth, &/or moving on from things, people, substances, escapism. . .etc that don’t fuel your best, nor well-interest, higher good or well-being…
You know what it is. Nouns: person, place or tings.
Release what is no longer yours to carry & never forget that Your journey is personal. And healing isn’t linear.
Love & above ☝🏾 ✨
Oh. Here is an article on Saturn in Pisces by Chani Nicholas (also where the post image is from). She’s one of the professional astrologers that I follow on a couple socials:
I wonder if it’s my 12H Sun or my Jupiter in Scorpio ♏️ as to why I (think) that I contemplate death and loss more than the average person. Hmm, contemplate is a strong word. I don’t consider it as taboo or hard to discuss as most people do.
But. I mean. We all have experienced or will experience loss in some form. & this is why I go so hard for presence. & intentionality. Because not a single moment or thing is promised to any of us.
I remember when we finally were able to go through the garage (recently built a new home, and shit just ends up in the garage…like, all the things end up there 😮💨) so getting to go through stuff properly and notice the amount of things that were able to be salvaged and saved from Hurricane Dorian 🌀 puts shit into perspective.
Because thank the universe/god/the ancestors protection that the lives of my mum…ok basically everyone and I do mean EVERYONE on my Mum side of the family would have been gone.
The magnitude of that storm over that island (& Abaco)…if it had remained over the island any longer…I would have lost all of my family on that side. They lost their vehicles, their homes and the amount of trauma the have from that whole situation; from seeing the dead bodies of your neighbors floating by you, as the water rose and you had to flee to a nearby fire station…which also became overcrowded and flooded…the stories I’ve heard…Losing things don’t feel like shit when you almost lose your life.
Perspective like a mf.
So. Grad Nite, yes. My Disney Grad Nite photo album was saved. Wild. Can’t even recall most of that weekend, tbh. Or my HS “experience.” I was in a weird place. Forced assimilation via immigration. But…freedom, nonetheless, a?
I don’t recall being much of a person back then. I recall being what I was supposed to be, told to be, taught to be. No voice. No personality. A shell. Under the roof of a staunch Christian and full time witch…but not the good kind.
Who loved to gossip & report my every move to not only my mum, but everyone back home in the family. Wild. Lmao. I’ve come a long ass fucking way from that life!
Shit! All I can do is give thanks. For the being that I am now-knowing what I had to emerge from. Some Kafka shit-sans the bug. I’ll take a caterpillar 🐛 instead. That morphed into the wolf 🐺 don’t be a judge Judy- transformation is and looks different for everyone. This my journey. Back to what was saved. The Grad Nite album
Umm, what else…oh! my Baptism or Christening (is that the same thing? Idk I was a baby, I didn’t have a choice on my attendance) dress. My HS graduation gown. Some random trophy’s from tennis 🎾 to a math award (boy do I have a back story on that award 🥇 😎) My Scholastic, extracurricular resume which…I don’t even remember what tf I needed a resume for back then 🧐 oh another random photo album I made before I moved away…some old toys (not that kind-I left at a young age)
& one of the things I appreciate about my Taurus ass mutha, was her intentions of me seeing and having Black dolls (which I never played with but I did play with the Lego sets and Tonka trucks 😂) but my joints had skin that looked like mine. She was real G for that.
Oh. My Jordan doll from NKOTB…umm, don’t act like they wasn’t the shit back then.
Sooooo. how tf does this all connect?
It’s Taurus season. Taurus themes: what we value. Friday is ruled by Venus..which is the ruler of Taurus. All things align ✨
When you ground and connect with your body Connect with presence..you disconnect from consumption and overconsumption of media, background noise, even your favourite binge worthy shows. Shit is wild how uninterested you become in such things.
It just don’t hit the same. Looking at my library at the classic and the legendary
Stillness, but not being sedentary.
Connectedness to sound and color Emphasis on: presence in interpersonal relationships. Support. Being there. & showing up. Intentionally. With a grateful heart With clarity and abundance of appreciation for the moments that you get to spend and share with your favourite and closest people.
Disconnect, to connect. Feel the feels usually repressed Numbed and subdued Consumer being consumed With same day delivery Post Modern Fillory
You are the magician of your own destiny Tarot, pero
Presence takes on a whole new meaning for me this year-a more intentional and actual/factual meaning.
Standing in the sand ocean against feet. & Being able to look so clearly at the stars in the sky. It reminds you of how smalll you are. & how big…grand, vast…erry thing out there is. & how things are orchestrated divinely, over our own human understanding of things.
One thing that I know for sure: I am still learning and growing. And people show up exactly on time-to remind us of what being present and grounded is AND all of the ways that we may not be. Fuck.
In the midst of building a home (thank the Goddess we are nearing the finish line as the year ends, I have never felt so overwhelmed) transitioning to a whole new life and dealing with familial roots and dynamics that I haven’t been around in the last…24 or so years…it’s been a lot.
But I’m very grateful for the things that I’m learning and being connected with them again. This December makes a whole ass year since I’ve been back and it has been…1 for the books, lol. & as much as everything in my body and mind was ready to head in the opposite direction ✈️ …there is a purpose that I’m back here now. For how long? I don’t know yet. But knowing that my presence here is for something bigger than me-for family and making sure my mum is good and in a brand new home, settled after losing everything in Hurricane Dorian…is what makes every fear and uncertainty, doubt, regret…dissipate. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about how in an instant I almost lost her and the majority of my family on my Mums side…life is…fucking wild.
& when I speak of regret and doubt-it’s me speaking on my own personal demons and journey of giving up a life I have known in another country for the last 20+ years and all of the comforts, the freedom (as a queer person) and ease…that I made the very hard (but easy) decision to leave.
Because my presence was needed here. Presence. Again, that word. This reflection I’m experiencing I suppose is pretty on brand with the year coming to a close.
This post is also pertaining to a connection that I once viewed as promising and refreshing…& I still give it that, as it was. So. Now I’m boutta digress. & since my site has the word confession in it, what did you expect? Lol
I’m…hmm. Acknowledging that people are allowed to change their minds. & allowed to make decisions and choices based on what’s best for them…I have to move forward in that logical space of processing. I believe it was Chani Nicholas who posted up about Sagittarius season and called it the season of “spirited ghosting” 👻 & as a Sagg Moon…the shit is awful, but made sense and made me chuckle when I read it. However, it’s not the best feeling when it’s done to you. As anyone who has ever been on that side of the fence can attest.
Have I done it before? I’m pretty sure I have in my past. Before I grew into the person that I am now. And. So now, I’m tasked with practicing what I am always preaching (from the book The Four Agreements) & 1)doing my best to 2) not take personal someone making a personal decision for themselves. Ehhhh.
Astrologer Danielle (one of my faves) said that your rising is there to protect your Sun. And with Pisces as my rising…umm I dunno bout that 😂 jk, jk. Because with my Aquarius Sun and Sagg Moon…I definitely needed to have that water rising to protect my Sun (at 29° Leo, no doubt) and me from being too hard, selfish, egotistical, self consumed, etc….that water is so necessary. & even though we know the fish can be a bit much sometimes, it’s exactly what I needed to provide the balance necessary that I always strive towards lined up with my Air sun, Fire Moon and Earth Venus. Perfect. For me. & for whomever I end up aligned with in a relationship.
Because I understand now. And I’m so much better and letting things be exactly what they are, without attaching negatively to it, idealizing or romanticizing it to the point of delusion…Neptune can make you do that shit, lol. But. I realize that I can’t do anything with the potential of a thing, only the reality of it. Fuck.
Wisdom comes at a cost, lol. You see me here intellectually speaking on this shit, but I would be lying if I sat here typing and said that this presence and then absence of something/someone hasn’t affected me at all. I’m a human, not a robot contrary to typical Aquarius slander. It’s affected me. Not in an egotistical way though-because like I said, everyone has a right to do what is best for them & I always say that no one belongs to anyone else- but changed me in a way that has helped me grow. I was able to open up and show my vulnerable side to someone (I usually don’t that quickly-Capricorn Venus-lemme stop there because this connection has proven that I have grown) so being open and vulnerable with someone was once a challenge. But. This perfect alignment with her (be it short lived) has shown me all the the ways I have grown for the better. & not being bitter about something that I had so much hope for dissipating the way it did.
It gives me hope and I am grateful for being able to see me; as the person that I was once working to become (in relation to relating to someone I’m feeling/interested in romantically). Fuck. Because I know when I do align and connect with someone on this level again, I know that I’ve done the work and am capable of giving and sharing love, care, myself etc wholeheartedly…with only the intentions of giving and receiving the highest love. Sans unhealthy attachment, ego, none of that shit that I used to deal/rock with.
It’s fucking possible! Lol. It’s a great feeling amidst being bummed about something not going according to my own human plan-but the Universe and my Ancestors…they know what’s up and I trust them. That every redirection of energy and attention is for my highest good and the highest good of all involved.
That’s the shit, man. Because I always say that things are always working out for me-for my highest good AND the highest good of all involved…sometimes I just wanna be selfish and just say for my own highest good, Lolol. But. That’s not what love is. If we being real. I want shit to work for me, but also for you, too. I want it to be working for the higher good for us both. Smh. When tf did I become this person, lol. Well. I am grateful to be here, now. As I am.
I’m here to give and share real love (Cancer 5H and NN) with others. Remind them that they are worthy of the greatest love and care. Might not be from me forever, but they are worthy nonetheless. & acknowledging that I can’t do the work for anyone else but myself. & I am only responsible for me and how I choose to show up. That being said, I will never regret giving or sharing any of my love/care/concern with anyone, because it’s who I am. I’m a fucking lover, man. & I’m grateful for those who see me, feel me, receive me as I am and choose to intentionally show up and reciprocate. & for the ones who don’t, can’t/are unable to for whatever reason…peace to them.
Everyone is my teacher.
Eternally grateful for my life teachers that bless me with lessons that I needed to see/learn. To help fix my vision and readjustment of frequencies. Operating from fear, or embodying of a “runner/chaser” energy is not it. Because anything that is avoiding or running…doesn’t want to be chased. Shit makes sense don’t it? That’s not the type of energy I desire. I’m operating from a space of love and alignment now. & knowing that I am worthy of all the love that I give out. All the good shit, I am worthy of. And as I exhale and release this long ass post of acknowledgments, I am extremely grateful to be here. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE VALID, NO MATTER WHAT THEY LOOK OR SEEM LIKE TO OTHERS. I THINK IT’S SO IMPORTANT & HEALTHY TO CENTER CONNECTION-IN WHATEVER FORMS THEY MANIFEST AS LONG AS IT’S HEALTHY FOR ALL INVOLVED.
I CAN’T IMAGINE NOT APPRECIATING OR DISMISSING GENUINE & INTENTIONAL LOVE/CONNECTION BECAUSE IT DOESN’T FIT INSIDE OF A BOX.
Oh, lemme just say that all caps above is from the font I was using on my IG Story that I decided to turn into this blog entry. I never use all caps like that. But I damn sure wasn’t about to retype it, lol.
So. Anyway. Back to the ideas of love & relationships fitting neatly into boxes…one thing that I learned and realized is that love is all encompassing & should never try to be contained-especially to maintain the hierarchical, patriarchal, heteronormative lens..nah. Being a queer person that shit does not work for me any longer. I’m grateful to be learning more as I grow further. & relationship anarchy is a term I’ve just recently learned.
We shouldn’t deny ourselves the pleasure and joy of loving and co-creating happiness with other humans-based on views that say it has to look this particular way or be this particular thing in order to be valid or deemed important.
Yo. Have you lived in this world? With all of the virtual everything, dependency on machines rather than humans/replacing human interaction & connection…society is disconnected enough. We should want to be connected (oh the redundancy of this word) as much as we can in a society that wants us to be separatists, unhappy, dependent on things that numb us…yo. If I connect with someone genuinely (& mutually) in any capacity, I am grateful.
I’m typically speaking of friendship, non sexual, community, etc. Friends that become family. Humans that you are close to but only see like once a year or longer for some, but still very connected. Humans that I would absolutely coparent with-but have no sexual or romantic relationship with. People that we become close to after dealing with them strictly on an online basis. Listen, I’m Uranus ruled via my Sun & my Mercury-so online friends is a thing for me. Some of my dearest people I’ve met online. So. To dismiss any of those relationships and say they aren’t valid would be a loss to the greater sense of my own personal community of humans.
Love will never belong in a box
And as a Capricorn Venus, I admit that in romantic relationships I am a bit more “traditional” in the sense that I am a monogamous person who prefers & thrives in stability and longevity. I don’t think that will every change. But, what does that look like outside and inside of those parameters? I’m more concerned with loving and experiencing the person. Intimacy and connection. Even if it doesn’t happen in the most typical or traditional way. So. I’m not denying or suppressing my love or feelings-if they there, they are there and happening on purpose. We can figure out the other details in time, but love for me, is what’s most important. And being moved by someone. Inspired by them. In awe of them and their human and divine expression. I give a shit about that. Not a box 📦 of neatly arranged and controlled, or worse, suppressed emotions.
Love is constant. & happens because it is supposed to. When it’s supposed to individuals on their journey. I would be a fool to deny such a beautiful gift.
I really and truly love when I witness a work and body of art that moves me completely. I’m on the last episode of this limited series called “Scenes From A Marriage” and I’m…Disheveled to my core. & reborn.
Because I see bits and pieces in my own villain/lover original sin-love story; the similarities and reminders of one of my deepest loves. & conversations that were happening that I couldn’t fathom their meaning because I was too stuck on the in between of a deferred dream and my ideals…based on what I thought was supposed to happen.
My idealistic take on love and what being in a relationship was. Fuck me…these scenes remind me of that lucid dream. & the reality of my ex’s humanity in seeing that our dreams were parallel until they weren’t. Her raw honesty. & how sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees, based on your own hurt, or your own worth-or, perhaps lack there of.
Either way, this show really reached into the depths of me. Reminded me of reality. & how beautiful it is to be loved and be human. All of the messy and complicated parts included. So. In conclusion, I wrote some words about it:
Is there some ONE for every ONE? Or are we simply to experience Different lovers, different ideas & learn what the meaning is Contained within each vessel is a lesson A blessing & sometimes a curse We hurt, we scream, we cry, we mourn until...we remember our worth & what works & truly what doesn’t On slippery slopes we slide Until we collide Until we collapse Then perhaps Learn the meaning Of what isn’t Until one day we decide to put away The label makers & realize the humanness of loving each other boldly & making mistakes along the way Whose to say That I can’t belong to me only & give to you still A cup that’s filled Drinking from crystal glasses 20/20 with rose tinted spectacles We give everyone permanency & make them a collectible We hoard them, put them on a shelf right next to their pedestal To be polished so we can never see them with their subtle scars & prominent scratches We speak about the happiness Of having them But never fully experience them beyond the shell of our perceptions and expectations Erase the individual wants and needs For “we” have done ourselves a disservice Make it our purpose to worship Holy, but not common ground Just to feel safe & sound I want you around But only after you’ve found Yourself. Love your missteps Love is politically incorrect An emotional treasure within a shipwreck emotional rebirth & death On our tippy toes the closer we reach for depth And learn to swim in the abyss That darkness That elicits a sharp breath Uncontrollable we try to make it a point to hold onto that which we don’t know Write a script for love instead of Letting it all naturally come together and unfold Without permission we assign roles The rules were skewed a long time ago... That’s why you must decide your own Find your home Welcome. Rest your bones There a place for your comb and your calm.
Sometimes, it’s where the ones around us, the ones who claim to love and care about us…the ones we also love the most…want us to store, hide and compartmentalize;
the parts that they, their friends, surrounding and immediate communities wants us to keep hidden and locked away. Because it’s more comfortable for them, as long as that part of us is stuffed in there-without a trace, without a say.
Now, the catch is, living here on this island and in this country- even though the doors are welcomed to be open, there’s always someone there dangling locks and keys in your face, when your stuff is too boldly displayed.
wait, but not like that…
Your Paradise Is My Hell.
I Suppress Where You Vacation.
Paradise? Nah, been lost.
I usually keep my hair shaved pretty low on the sides. So I went on Instagram and searched for the least threatening/aggressive/misogynistic seeming barber on island to get a haircut since I had been back home for a while and was long overdue. Found some cool looking dudes. & got some inches off the top and back to the usual, close on the side. In barber terms i'd say probably a 1.Got home to the displeasure of my aunt and my mum, by the looks on their faces, they hated it.
I don’t like it, I like your hair when it’s longer
Make sure you don’t cut your hair anymore. I don’t like you looking so much like a boy…
According to astrology I'm in my profection year that deals with family and roots. & I'm reminded why I left this place in the first place.
All those years of being away
from these prominent figures and triggers
This trauma and drama
& these closets
& half ass acceptance
receiving whatsapp messages on repentance
feels like i'm serving a sentence
in a picturesque hell
be you; but make sure you hide that gay shit well
lest you be the topic of conversation
in a "christian nation"
I Suffer Where You Vacation
constant backlash and retaliation
simply for existing
& if you dare to be- here comes that lock and key
I see pictures that are emailed
& I see them smiling
All happy & content
They have not failed as parents
Their son, is now getting married to a woman.
Not another man.
They breathe a sigh of right wing religious relief
My mum can’t say the same
She thinks she will never be as happy as them
Who got it right
How does one make up for this?
I see the church
The mother wearing purple sash and a shiny dress
The father: good Sunday suit with a handkerchief in his pocket
Smiles all around
I wonder sometimes…
Will I ever be able to fill such an holy building with family on my day?*
Or will the flames be too close to my feet that they feel they may get burned…
*I have zero desire to be in a church for any reason. Especially not the Divine union with my Goddess*