I hate sounding cliché. & this is probably gonna sound cliché as hell, but 2023 is definitely a year of change. Good change. Well…I guess all change is good. Idk if I can speak for that for every single case/person, but the good change? Yeah that’s that shit I’m on.
Ok but Wtf does this have to do with the dead?
Because there are a couple people in my life, with all love- I choose not to resuscitate the connections.
Excavating the same grave
& expecting new life
When only toxicity is resurrected every time…
with her was…bird food.
& because of my very strong like, allowed myself to be breadcrumbed
After Mercury. & After Mars. They both retrograde right now. & it was by the grace of the twitter gods that reminded me of this astrological occurrence with those 2 planets.
Still. I hopped on WhatsApp and began typing a message to my mum. Some of the realest shit I ever wrote.
I have some things I need to get off of my chest. Release this negative energy and this pressure in my heart. Because holding things in, makes ppl explode. And it’s counterproductive to any type of growth.
Why do you volunteer information that no one asked you for?
It seems like whenever (especially) you are feeling some type of way about me, you always do that. Say something to try and embarrass me or put me down in some way, in front of others.
Why do you do that? It’s so toxic and unnecessary. And just, the actions of someone who doesn’t like or actually hates the other person. That’s how you make me feel. Please stop doing this. It’s embarrassing for the both of us esp when it’s front of people.
Tonight…tonight I am accepting FINALLY that some generational curses, maybe just can’t be broken. Because the toxic bonds/relationships and the horrible ways we handle, treat & mistreat one another…being BLOOD related…Has got to be a curse. With the exception of aunt L and her children, we are cursed with toxicity with the women and their children.
The proof is all there. & I can’t change anything and want to do better and be better, for the both of us. To not want to have a bad relationship with my mother like Y & AV. C and AV. All of you sisters. Once you all get angry you completely cut each other off and move on. That’s so unhealthy and so toxic.
No one apologizes. No one is accountable. We just have attitudes and stop speaking to each other. Where is the love???? Where is the compassion and understanding that we have for everyone else, but each other?
Doing the same thing, being the same harmful, mean, hurtful person…and expecting different results, is called insanity.
I feel like a stranger compared to the way you treat other people. Like you prefer everyone else on the planet as your child or adopted child, over me. This is how I feel. & it breaks my heart. This ya how I’ve felt for as long as I can remember.
I don’t want to live a stressful uncomfortable life. & Nobody wants to walk on eggshells as you put it. Or be in negative ass energy. I feel like emotionally and psychologically, I’m regressing here.
In this life I’ve learned that some people…just do better loving each other, from a distance.
It’s a hard pill to swallow when it’s a personal truth, but I have to acknowledge and accept that this path and the way we are with each other when things go left, is not healthy. It’s not good. & this is why I’ve made the decision to detach from this toxicity.
Being/feeling not grounded, sucks. You notice the imbalance easier once you start living intentionally, authentically & paying tf attention.
I tried to pay attention but attention paid me.
& for that to happen (for me) I have to cut out the noise & the distractions. The demands of the outside world that holds your peace…hostage.
Until you… sick of making plea deals for your own sanity Get a grip… on reality Unplug from this… status:connected (but very disconnected) fantasy
& get back to nature. Which is also meaning to get back to the root: get back to you.
It gets easier once you start to strip away layers of agreements that were made-with and without your consent.
The peace…of saying “no” is unmatched. & not in a mean, stingy way of being…nah. In a selfish way of being. Yeah, selfish. If that means taking care of self, I’m for it. Not harmful to others or cruel. No.
Caring for others…comes secondary to caring for you.
I honestly don’t want anyone to chase me or feel like they gotta chase me, cuz my attention is no longer theirs- based on the ways they was moving funny.
Or because I called my energy back and whatever attachment I had to the situation and you, is dissipating.
I’m such a huge fan and advocate of clarity. It’s a necessity for me. Especially in my relationships. Clear, healthy, open and honest communication, but, just cuz you a fan of that type of vibe, that don’t mean that the other person is.
But what I’m not gonna do is keep making excuses for shitty behaviour &/or treatment-for whatever reason. Or me feeling like I’m always the one that has to reach out…ehhh, no thanks.
I’m not with that. Not when I worked this hard to be this healed and grow this damn much. My Venus AND my 7H are blessed with Saturn placements 🙂…you think I didn’t have to put in ALL the work? Smt. Please. From figuring out life at a very young age & how to move, love & survive in a world foreign to me, I’m not with the bullshit*
*by bullshit I mean…someone making my life or making a connection unnecessarily difficult. I’d rather you not disturb me/my life at all…if this is what you bring & have to offer.
Confusion and mixed signals…is communication enough, when you think about it.
We often sometimes expect things out of people because of the way we move & love, but shit, some just aren’t able to reciprocate. Or…they just don’t feel like you are worth the effort. If we gon continue to keep it real on this here Blog. Truth ain’t always peaches and roses. & roses do have thorns…so.
Here we are. This imbalanced dynamic. So now, here comes the great lord of time and karma: Saturn 🪐 poppin up like
Like…let’s see if you’ve learned these lessons, or you just talk that shit on Twitter, Lolol. Man. The test is always in session. For me & in my opinion.
Because based on what you believe about yourself (self worth or lack there of) will manifest in your relationships and potential relationships. & honestly, I’m not failing that shit no more. Matter of fact, I want extra fucking credit. Ok, ok…I may be getting ahead of myself ✋🏿 Because yes, I did entertain something further than I should have-
& as much as my ass be posting Instagram captions talking about
When people show you who they are, believe them. The first time.
Dr. Maya Angelou
I love that quote and I’ve used it numerous times. But yet. & still. After she showed me a couple times…I did believe her and my ass still passed go 🙂
Yeah well, I passed go couple times…based on “potential” and not reality. & what she was actually showing me.
I decided that this time tho (& any time moving forward) I will not allow someone to take me to hell. For no goddamn reason.
& here’s what I’ve learned and what I love: that there are no hard feelings. It just is what it is & I refuse to pretend it is, what it ain’t.
So if someone is going to be back and forth; they wanna fuck with you one day or for a lil while, then switch up…I’m good on that.
I’m not a fan of the runner-chaser dynamic, either. & to be real…it’s not even that I’m “running.” I’m just not checking anymore.
Peace to that.
& peace to the things that need to show up to remind you exactly where you are at.
& peace to them leaving as I remember not only the lesson, but that I am worth way more than that bs ✌🏿
When you ground and connect with your body Connect with presence..you disconnect from consumption and overconsumption of media, background noise, even your favourite binge worthy shows. Shit is wild how uninterested you become in such things.
It just don’t hit the same. Looking at my library at the classic and the legendary
Stillness, but not being sedentary.
Connectedness to sound and color Emphasis on: presence in interpersonal relationships. Support. Being there. & showing up. Intentionally. With a grateful heart With clarity and abundance of appreciation for the moments that you get to spend and share with your favourite and closest people.
Disconnect, to connect. Feel the feels usually repressed Numbed and subdued Consumer being consumed With same day delivery Post Modern Fillory
You are the magician of your own destiny Tarot, pero
One of the things that I’ve realized about myself as I matured is that I like sentimental and cute shit. Take for instance a love letter.
Written by your most favourite person, in their own handwriting and with trace amounts of her signature & most intoxicating fragrance. Yeah. That.
& once I heard this song “Strawberry Letter #23” I of course had to look up the lyrics and the song meaning-as told by its writer. I found this bit of info after a quick search:
The song was written by Shuggie Otis for his second album, Freedom Flight in 1971- as a way to describe his romantic feelings for his girlfriend. Though the lyrics commonly refer to “Strawberry Letter 22,” Otis explains that, “the song is about a love letter. The guy and the girl had written each other 22 love letters. And the 23rd one he writes is a song.
Call me whatever tf you want (either way idc) but that’s the type of shit I like. Sweet, sentimental. Romance. Intention. Attention to detail…& vulnerability. Expressing your deepest feelings & sentiments- & being so vibrationally free, so wholeheartedly and whole spirited-ly in the midst of such beautiful love…that your words sound like you were on some type of psychedelic trip. I mean, check out these lyrics:
Hello, my love, I heard a kiss from you
Red magic satin playing near, too
All through the morning rain I gaze, the sun doesn’t shine
Rainbows and waterfalls run through my mind
In the garden, I see
West purple shower, bells and tea
Orange birds and river cousins dressed in green
Pretty music I hear, so happy and loud
Blue flower echo from a cherry cloud…
If you arrive and don't see me I'm going to be with my baby I am free, flying in her arms Over the sea
Stained window, yellow candy screen See speakers of kite With velvet roses diggin' Freedom flight A present from you Strawberry letter 22 The music plays I sit in for a few
Yeah. That’s the kind of love I’m talking about. Remembering that a huge part of your experience…is to experience, love. In all of its glory.
So back to the love letter 💌 and things of that nature. I also very much so love sweet little notes from my person. From those little sticky notes left on mirrors & placed strategically in places you will definitely see them (like in your car on the steering wheel), to voice notes. I love them all. I honestly love expressiveness and vulnerability in my romantic connection.
Like…if I’m making you feel some type of way, I would love to know. I may be great at a lot of things, but being a hard core psychic or mind reader ain’t one of em, lol. So. I’m very appreciative of the woman that takes the time and has the intention of letting me know exactly how she feels about me/us/our connection and relationship.
As Alina Baraz & Galimatias say: “show me and I’m all yours.”
It’s kinda weird-I feel the same, yet I feel different. Is it a psychological thing bc everybody (well, lots of folks) been screaming this “new year, new me” shit? Along with all the memes and posts about changing who they are-miraculously overnight, lolol. I’m such a bitch sometimes, but I mean…seriously. You finna change all the things in 1 day 🤨 I meannnnn, do you. Not saying it’s impossible, just unrealistic. & kinda unfair, I think, to put that type of pressure on yourself.
But. Anyway. I feel different. As the same person. If that makes sense (makes sense to me, lol) and this year I did something different in that I just allowed myself to be and feel my way into the newness/different ways I’m feeling and not force the usual strict regime of ok ima do this, this and this…right off the bat…back? Ima have to look that saying up. But feeling and processing where I am, into where I want to be/end up.
If this pandemic has taught me anything: it’s that we ain’t in control of shit. You make plans and God/the Universe laughs. Well this pandemic is headed for a new season so idk who laughing but shit. Jokes old now. So yeah no. No added pressure to be/achieve/control. Just navigating this goddamn covid neverland and making sure my family is straight. My connections are valued, appreciated and nourished.
And I decided to do what felt right going into the new year…& to do so moving forward. Feel my way. As a heavy Saturnian ruled person, I’m very much so used to logic, pragmatism, etc. as opposed to feeling/emotional centered. So. Embracing my cancer north node and following my North Star, this is what I’m doing. without effort. It just is. Flowing. I can fuck with this vibe always. In touch and in tune ✨
And accepting the feelings.
Oh, & another big one: accepting the human beings-as they show up-as they are. Because we’re all (well the people I know) just doing our fucking best. With what we got going on and where we are. Letting people off the hook is also letting yourself off the hook. Look at me sounding like a yoda thee G
But. All in all. I feel at peace. Lk excited since it’s my 5H profection year this year and numerology wise 2022 is the year of The Lovers, union, playfulness…just good shit. & I’m calling all of that into my experience. Beautiful ass alignment. That will blow my mind and expand my heart. Last year I purposely abstained and refrained from dating because I was intentional about getting some things done and accomplished (which I did and I’m very grateful for) that I knew I wouldn’t have the capacity for dating or entertaining any type of romantic relationship. I met some rad ass women, though. But this year, I’m aligning with a beautiful goddess and I can feel it. & I’m giving thanks in advance.
My sole focus won’t be on romantic love, though. According to my astrologer, the way my 7H is set up, I’m supposed to live my life and have all the fun-sooooo, I plan on doing that. And there are already some things in the works that I’m very excited about and it feels very refreshing to be excited about shit again & not be attaching it to only a person/relationship. There’s so many great things on the horizon, so I’m very much so looking forward to this chapter of much lighter energy and fun. Adventure and exploration-I’m a Sagittarius stellium; adventure, exploring and fun is my middle name(s)
Not to sound cliche but totally sounding cliche:
It’s a new dawn. It’s a new day. It’s a new life. For me. & I’m feeling good
Give thanks for 2022 and all of the amazing, beautiful divine blessings, love and magick it’s bringing me. Give fucking thanks!
Dreams…I like to think of them as messages from beyond. Or, even our subconscious. Could be both. Either way. These vivid ass dreams bringing lessons and reminders to the forefront-especially ones regarding love + relationships during Venus retrograde in Capricorn…that dream is so on point.
In this one, I was transported back to Cali. And working at my old spot. There was a gorgeous woman there (that I don’t recognize in real life) who just started working there a couple months prior. We decided to go have lunch together and during lunch also decided to take the rest of the day off to spend more time together since we were having such a wonderful time.
Within those hours from lunch that ended in dinner, this woman-still can’t for the life of me figure out who she is-but remember so vividly…she was so intentional and her actions reflected her interest in me. The things we spoke about and the vulnerability shared between us both..the way she supported me in a not so pleasant moment that I had earlier…it just…reminded me of all the things and ways that I deserve someone to show up for themselves, as themselves and also show up for me.
Her attentiveness, eagerness to learn more about me beyond the surface level stuff. Her gentleness and on the flip side the way she damn near cussed out an aggressive & rude waitress, lol all this shit…when I woke up I was like…ok Universe, ok Ancestors and guides…you speaking to me on some shit that I need to always remember: bare minimum effort will never cut it. Lukewarm is only good for people who prefer that temperature. I’m not one of them.
Basically Venus rx was chopping it up in my dreams. And in Capricorn no doubt. Like bitch, since you not getting it out here lemme visit you while you sleep, lolol. Also, I’m a natal Venus in Capricorn and the way that we give and love (plus add my Pisces rising to that) we go hard for the people we like, care about and love. We will do anything to make your life easier and-sometimes, (according to astrologers, a lot of times) we give too much to people that don’t deserve it. That’s literally what my astrologer reminded me in my recent reading. That we have to be mindful of giving to those who don’t reciprocate. Those who show us that they aren’t on the same level. Also something my therapist said. She be knowin, too.
Well. That dream was divinely timed to say the least. I’m up. I’m paying attention and acting accordingly. That’s what these retrogrades are for, right? Review. Reevaluate. Reassess. The fact that I dreamed about this mystery woman who shared and gave to me all that I want and need-even from the beginning…fuck. She out there. So. Yeah. I don’t mind waiting a little longer for what I deserve-I feel like this is a quote from somewhere. But. Yeah man. Give thanks for these divine messages and reminders via dreams.
How do you say: I wanna dive deep wit you Share energy, space, knowledge, wisdom & sheets, wit you Silk, to Egyptian cotton The art of courting seems to be lost on many, & to some-forgotten & I wanna remind you & awaken the beast in you Be peace with you As we lay in the mutual space of love that time can’t erase With me your heart is safe My abundance of love is for you
How do you… say this and so much more? Like: Mi amor Only you I am here to worship and adore As Is…
I wrote this piece with someone in mind. As sort of a love poem, love affirmation and manifestation. But somewhere, somehow shit got lost in translation…lost in space. But found on time. I am grateful for all of my love& life teachers, regardless of length of stay. I love being inspired and moved to write words dedicated to love. That’s the root. Everything else stems from that. So. I give thanks for presence and the essence of divinity. The reminder that love is beautiful and free. & the hope of a thing also makes life more beautiful.
I’m writing you poetry And consistently show you The love that you deserve Intentionally, slowly Unfold you like the most delicate petals of a rose 🌹 I will leave you whole and not pluck you But know every day I always wanna fuck you- & love you. & I will always pick you While leaving your roots room to grow, too
You are my Queen bee and my flower Love you enough to relinquish power & control Behold, the ferocious Goddess & that’s being modest Cuz there aren’t enough words to describe your beauty truly Divine You and I are truly aligned The Universe and my Ancestors are so benevolent and kind
They way they placed us together You’re my most valued treasure Loving you is so easy. Loving you takes no effort. I give thanks for mutual effort Mutual love and healthy obsession Learning in real time that I’ve mastered the lessons Every day I am in awe of your special Gas you and fill you up until you’re an overflowing vessel Of love that radiates Nothing and no one predates Our chemistry and energy The way we love each other, intentionally the generosity and blessings within our connection Is unprecedented You found me and gave to me-thee Sweetest love Your care, your affection and your time
Thank you for appreciating me Thank you for adoring me Thank you for reciprocity and for loving and receiving me
Thank you for being solid And easy like Sunday morning A Sunday kind of love is what you give every day and it’s what I’ve always wanted Thank you for that beautiful smile Thank you for taking the time to get to know me on deeper levels Your love helped me discard that hard fixed sign shell & invited me to openness I will always love you on purpose
Each and every day & in every way You bring me such joy and cognizance Learned to lead with my heart over the simply logical sense I love our attraction, I love our passion-it’s so intense
In the best ways I’m excited to spend time with you knowing that these aren’t even my best days I prayed For someone like you and here you are Love- a beautiful reminder that love knows no distance and is never far away
I know that heaven is a place on Earth and it’s with you Every day is beautiful and better than the next I love our openness The vulnerability We are on the road to free Just had to make some stops along the way I love when you message me, I love hearing your voice-it makes my night and day So much better I love reading your love letters I love receiving your love…and sharing mine with you