Whisper, Roulette & that Woo-woo shit

Queer

  • Mercedes
  • Mind Power/Mind Control
  • Visualization

The power of your mind…& combine that with visualization?

You making shit happen ✨

Cuz look at how Mercedes saw Roulette & Whispers audition & in the mix of it, her mind took her to the stage, watching them headline and perform that routine-

Which…they in fact did later on-JUST how Mercedes saw them in her mind at the audition.

Shit is wild.

& the power you possess is real.

What are you powering up/giving your power to?

What thoughts, what fears are you contemplating, visualizing, overthinking into existence?

Yes, you absolutely wield that type of power. Use that shit wisely, my loves.

Sprite Lightning (General Observation)

Queer

Personal to Partnership

rare electrical discharges called sprites high above the clouds. A photographer in China captured this phenomenon on May 9. via Accuweather

You can like someone as a person-
what they stand for, how they think and move in the world
how great of a parent they are…
but that still doesn’t make them compatible with you, as your partner.





Unlucky Day

Queer
Yeah you a ten
but that attitude ain’t fine

I honestly don’t want anyone to chase me or feel like they gotta chase me, cuz my attention is no longer theirs- based on the ways they was moving funny.

Or because I called my energy back and whatever attachment I had to the situation and you, is dissipating.

I’m such a huge fan and advocate of clarity. It’s a necessity for me. Especially in my relationships. Clear, healthy, open and honest communication, but, just cuz you a fan of that type of vibe, that don’t mean that the other person is.

Life…be life-ing.

But what I’m not gonna do is keep making excuses for shitty behaviour &/or treatment-for whatever reason. Or me feeling like I’m always the one that has to reach out…ehhh, no thanks.

I’m not with that. Not when I worked this hard to be this healed and grow this damn much. My Venus AND my 7H are blessed with Saturn placements 🙂…you think I didn’t have to put in ALL the work? Smt. Please. From figuring out life at a very young age & how to move, love & survive in a world foreign to me, I’m not with the bullshit*

*by bullshit I mean…someone making my life or making a connection unnecessarily difficult. I’d rather you not disturb me/my life at all…if this is what you bring & have to offer.

Confusion and mixed signals…is communication enough, when you think about it.

We often sometimes expect things out of people because of the way we move & love, but shit, some just aren’t able to reciprocate. Or…they just don’t feel like you are worth the effort. If we gon continue to keep it real on this here Blog. Truth ain’t always peaches and roses. & roses do have thorns…so.

Here we are. This imbalanced dynamic. So now, here comes the great lord of time and karma: Saturn 🪐 poppin up like

Like…let’s see if you’ve learned these lessons, or you just talk that shit on Twitter, Lolol. Man. The test is always in session. For me & in my opinion.

Because based on what you believe about yourself (self worth or lack there of) will manifest in your relationships and potential relationships. & honestly, I’m not failing that shit no more. Matter of fact, I want extra fucking credit. Ok, ok…I may be getting ahead of myself ✋🏿 Because yes, I did entertain something further than I should have-

& as much as my ass be posting Instagram captions talking about

When people show you who they are, believe them. The first time.

Dr. Maya Angelou

I love that quote and I’ve used it numerous times. But yet. & still. After she showed me a couple times…I did believe her and my ass still passed go 🙂

Yeah well, I passed go couple times…based on “potential” and not reality. & what she was actually showing me.

I decided that this time tho (& any time moving forward) I will not allow someone to take me to hell. For no goddamn reason.

& here’s what I’ve learned and what I love: that there are no hard feelings. It just is what it is & I refuse to pretend it is, what it ain’t.

So if someone is going to be back and forth; they wanna fuck with you one day or for a lil while, then switch up…I’m good on that.

I’m not a fan of the runner-chaser dynamic, either. & to be real…it’s not even that I’m “running.” I’m just not checking anymore.

Peace to that.

& peace to the things that need to show up to remind you exactly where you are at.

& peace to them leaving as I remember not only the lesson, but that I am worth way more than that bs ✌🏿

A quickie

Queer
When you ground and connect with your body
Connect with presence..you disconnect from consumption and overconsumption of media, background noise, even your favourite binge worthy shows. Shit is wild how uninterested you become in such things.

It just don’t hit the same.
Looking at my library at the classic and the legendary

Stillness, but not being sedentary.

Connectedness to sound and color
Emphasis on: presence in interpersonal relationships.
Support. Being there. & showing up.
Intentionally.
With a grateful heart
With clarity and abundance of appreciation for the moments that you get to spend and share with your favourite and closest people.

Disconnect, to connect.
Feel the feels usually repressed
Numbed and subdued
Consumer being consumed
With same day delivery
Post Modern Fillory

You are the magician of your own destiny
Tarot, pero

Love Letters

Queer

One of the things that I’ve realized about myself as I matured is that I like sentimental and cute shit. Take for instance a love letter.

Written by your most favourite person, in their own handwriting and with trace amounts of her signature & most intoxicating fragrance. Yeah. That.

& once I heard this song “Strawberry Letter #23” I of course had to look up the lyrics and the song meaning-as told by its writer. I found this bit of info after a quick search:

The song was written by Shuggie Otis for his second album, Freedom Flight in 1971- as a way to describe his romantic feelings for his girlfriend. Though the lyrics commonly refer to “Strawberry Letter 22,” Otis explains that, “the song is about a love letter. The guy and the girl had written each other 22 love letters. And the 23rd one he writes is a song.

Call me whatever tf you want (either way idc) but that’s the type of shit I like. Sweet, sentimental. Romance. Intention. Attention to detail…& vulnerability. Expressing your deepest feelings & sentiments- & being so vibrationally free, so wholeheartedly and whole spirited-ly in the midst of such beautiful love…that your words sound like you were on some type of psychedelic trip. I mean, check out these lyrics:

Hello, my love, I heard a kiss from you

Red magic satin playing near, too

All through the morning rain I gaze, the sun doesn’t shine

Rainbows and waterfalls run through my mind

In the garden, I see

West purple shower, bells and tea

Orange birds and river cousins dressed in green

Pretty music I hear, so happy and loud

Blue flower echo from a cherry cloud…

If you arrive and don't see me
I'm going to be with my baby
I am free, flying in her arms
Over the sea

Stained window, yellow candy screen
See speakers of kite
With velvet roses diggin'
Freedom flight
A present from you
Strawberry letter 22
The music plays
I sit in for a few

Yeah. That’s the kind of love I’m talking about. Remembering that a huge part of your experience…is to experience, love. In all of its glory.

So back to the love letter 💌 and things of that nature. I also very much so love sweet little notes from my person. From those little sticky notes left on mirrors & placed strategically in places you will definitely see them (like in your car on the steering wheel), to voice notes. I love them all. I honestly love expressiveness and vulnerability in my romantic connection.

Like…if I’m making you feel some type of way, I would love to know. I may be great at a lot of things, but being a hard core psychic or mind reader ain’t one of em, lol. So. I’m very appreciative of the woman that takes the time and has the intention of letting me know exactly how she feels about me/us/our connection and relationship.

As Alina Baraz & Galimatias say: “show me and I’m all yours.”

& just for you, the song in subject:

Nunu

Queer

It’s kinda weird-I feel the same, yet I feel different. Is it a psychological thing bc everybody (well, lots of folks) been screaming this “new year, new me” shit? Along with all the memes and posts about changing who they are-miraculously overnight, lolol. I’m such a bitch sometimes, but I mean…seriously. You finna change all the things in 1 day 🤨 I meannnnn, do you. Not saying it’s impossible, just unrealistic. & kinda unfair, I think, to put that type of pressure on yourself.

But. Anyway. I feel different. As the same person. If that makes sense (makes sense to me, lol) and this year I did something different in that I just allowed myself to be and feel my way into the newness/different ways I’m feeling and not force the usual strict regime of ok ima do this, this and this…right off the bat…back? Ima have to look that saying up. But feeling and processing where I am, into where I want to be/end up.

If this pandemic has taught me anything: it’s that we ain’t in control of shit. You make plans and God/the Universe laughs. Well this pandemic is headed for a new season so idk who laughing but shit. Jokes old now. So yeah no. No added pressure to be/achieve/control. Just navigating this goddamn covid neverland and making sure my family is straight. My connections are valued, appreciated and nourished.

And I decided to do what felt right going into the new year…& to do so moving forward. Feel my way. As a heavy Saturnian ruled person, I’m very much so used to logic, pragmatism, etc. as opposed to feeling/emotional centered. So. Embracing my cancer north node and following my North Star, this is what I’m doing. without effort. It just is. Flowing. I can fuck with this vibe always. In touch and in tune ✨

And accepting the feelings.

Oh, & another big one: accepting the human beings-as they show up-as they are. Because we’re all (well the people I know) just doing our fucking best. With what we got going on and where we are. Letting people off the hook is also letting yourself off the hook. Look at me sounding like a yoda thee G

But. All in all. I feel at peace. Lk excited since it’s my 5H profection year this year and numerology wise 2022 is the year of The Lovers, union, playfulness…just good shit. & I’m calling all of that into my experience. Beautiful ass alignment. That will blow my mind and expand my heart. Last year I purposely abstained and refrained from dating because I was intentional about getting some things done and accomplished (which I did and I’m very grateful for) that I knew I wouldn’t have the capacity for dating or entertaining any type of romantic relationship. I met some rad ass women, though. But this year, I’m aligning with a beautiful goddess and I can feel it. & I’m giving thanks in advance.

My sole focus won’t be on romantic love, though. According to my astrologer, the way my 7H is set up, I’m supposed to live my life and have all the fun-sooooo, I plan on doing that. And there are already some things in the works that I’m very excited about and it feels very refreshing to be excited about shit again & not be attaching it to only a person/relationship. There’s so many great things on the horizon, so I’m very much so looking forward to this chapter of much lighter energy and fun. Adventure and exploration-I’m a Sagittarius stellium; adventure, exploring and fun is my middle name(s)

Not to sound cliche but totally sounding cliche:

It’s a new dawn. It’s a new day. It’s a new life. For me. & I’m feeling good

Give thanks for 2022 and all of the amazing, beautiful divine blessings, love and magick it’s bringing me. Give fucking thanks!

Retro Dreams

Queer

Dreams…I like to think of them as messages from beyond. Or, even our subconscious. Could be both. Either way. These vivid ass dreams bringing lessons and reminders to the forefront-especially ones regarding love + relationships during Venus retrograde in Capricorn…that dream is so on point.

In this one, I was transported back to Cali. And working at my old spot. There was a gorgeous woman there (that I don’t recognize in real life) who just started working there a couple months prior. We decided to go have lunch together and during lunch also decided to take the rest of the day off to spend more time together since we were having such a wonderful time.

Within those hours from lunch that ended in dinner, this woman-still can’t for the life of me figure out who she is-but remember so vividly…she was so intentional and her actions reflected her interest in me. The things we spoke about and the vulnerability shared between us both..the way she supported me in a not so pleasant moment that I had earlier…it just…reminded me of all the things and ways that I deserve someone to show up for themselves, as themselves and also show up for me.

Her attentiveness, eagerness to learn more about me beyond the surface level stuff. Her gentleness and on the flip side the way she damn near cussed out an aggressive & rude waitress, lol all this shit…when I woke up I was like…ok Universe, ok Ancestors and guides…you speaking to me on some shit that I need to always remember: bare minimum effort will never cut it. Lukewarm is only good for people who prefer that temperature. I’m not one of them.

Basically Venus rx was chopping it up in my dreams. And in Capricorn no doubt. Like bitch, since you not getting it out here lemme visit you while you sleep, lolol. Also, I’m a natal Venus in Capricorn and the way that we give and love (plus add my Pisces rising to that) we go hard for the people we like, care about and love. We will do anything to make your life easier and-sometimes, (according to astrologers, a lot of times) we give too much to people that don’t deserve it. That’s literally what my astrologer reminded me in my recent reading. That we have to be mindful of giving to those who don’t reciprocate. Those who show us that they aren’t on the same level. Also something my therapist said. She be knowin, too.

Well. That dream was divinely timed to say the least. I’m up. I’m paying attention and acting accordingly. That’s what these retrogrades are for, right? Review. Reevaluate. Reassess. The fact that I dreamed about this mystery woman who shared and gave to me all that I want and need-even from the beginning…fuck. She out there. So. Yeah. I don’t mind waiting a little longer for what I deserve-I feel like this is a quote from somewhere. But. Yeah man. Give thanks for these divine messages and reminders via dreams.

G&P for Tee Are

Queer

How do you say:
I wanna dive deep wit you
Share energy, space, knowledge, wisdom & sheets, wit you
Silk, to Egyptian cotton
The art of courting seems to be lost on many, & to some-forgotten
& I wanna remind you & awaken the beast in you
Be peace with you
As we lay in the mutual space of love that time can’t erase
With me your heart is safe
My abundance of love is for you

How do you…
say this and so much more?
Like:
Mi amor
Only you I am here to worship and adore
As
Is…

G&P

Brighter Than The Sun…UT

Queer

I wrote this piece with someone in mind. As sort of a love poem, love affirmation and manifestation. But somewhere, somehow shit got lost in translation…lost in space. But found on time. I am grateful for all of my love& life teachers, regardless of length of stay. I love being inspired and moved to write words dedicated to love. That’s the root. Everything else stems from that. So. I give thanks for presence and the essence of divinity. The reminder that love is beautiful and free. & the hope of a thing also makes life more beautiful.

Image by Alex Grey
I’m writing you poetry
And consistently show you
The love that you deserve
Intentionally, slowly
Unfold you like the most delicate petals of a rose
🌹
I will leave you whole and not pluck you
But know every day I always wanna fuck you-
& love you. & I will always pick you
While leaving your roots room to grow, too

You are my Queen bee and my flower
Love you enough to relinquish power
& control
Behold, the ferocious Goddess
& that’s being modest
Cuz there aren’t enough words to describe your beauty
truly
Divine
You and I are truly aligned
The Universe and my Ancestors are so benevolent and kind

They way they placed us together
You’re my most valued treasure
Loving you is so easy. Loving you takes no effort.
I give thanks for mutual effort
Mutual love and healthy obsession
Learning in real time that I’ve mastered the lessons
Every day I am in awe of your special
Gas you and fill you up until you’re an overflowing vessel
Of love that radiates
Nothing and no one predates
Our chemistry and energy
The way we love each other, intentionally
the generosity and blessings within our connection
Is unprecedented
You found me and gave to me-thee
Sweetest love
Your care, your affection and your time

Thank you for appreciating me
Thank you for adoring me
Thank you for reciprocity
and for loving and receiving me

Thank you for being solid
And easy like Sunday morning
A Sunday kind of love is what you give every day and it’s what I’ve always wanted
Thank you for that beautiful smile
Thank you for taking the time to get to know me on deeper levels
Your love helped me discard that hard fixed sign shell
& invited me to openness
I will always love you on purpose

Each and every day
& in every way
You bring me such joy and cognizance
Learned to lead with my heart over the simply logical sense
I love our attraction, I love our passion-it’s so intense

In the best ways
I’m excited to spend time with you knowing that these aren’t even my best days
I prayed
For someone like you and here you are
Love- a beautiful reminder that love knows no distance and is never far
away

I know that heaven is a place on Earth and it’s with you
Every day is beautiful and better than the next
I love our openness
The vulnerability
We are on the road to free
Just had to make some stops along the way
I love when you message me, I love hearing your voice-it makes my night and day
So much better
I love reading your love letters
I love receiving your love…and sharing mine with you

In tune, Direct Neptune

Queer

That’s it…that’s the tweet Blog. Ok that’s not it, but damn…this Instagram post stopped me in my fucking tracks and I HAD to share it on my Story and now, here. Because I don’t want to forget it. I don’t ever want to forget the moments that led me to this post. And how divinely timed this shit was.

The fact that I had been playing “Real Love Baby” when I first saw this post also solidified what my guides were trying to tell & remind me:

That settling for lukewarm or bare minimum effort and love is not the business. That I am worthy of a love so sublime and so divine, that it reminds me of love; that I am love(d).

Every bone in my body will be sure. With love and humans coinciding-she doesn’t have to be perfect to be the antidote, the cure…

pure vibes and love. A love affair and love story to rival any epic tale. A love that’s real. And ready. & open and willing to move through the discomfort and the temporary. My love will choose me as I do her, endlessly. She will be solid in her love and intention, not on the fence about me. Not perfect, but perfect…for me.

I could write and write and write…but I’m gonna keep it brief and soak in the words above. A reminder of a perfect love for me. Imperfectly existing, never waning or drifting. Gifting me with her presence and consistency…hold her down as she lifts me. Transporting me to heights not reached previously. & honestly nobody else exists to me… Real Love, Baby

B.B. King: Bummed, but not Bitter

Queer

Presence & Acknowledgements

Presence takes on a whole new meaning for me this year-a more intentional and actual/factual meaning.

Standing in the sand ocean against feet. & Being able to look so clearly at the stars in the sky. It reminds you of how smalll you are. & how big…grand, vast…erry thing out there is. & how things are orchestrated divinely, over our own human understanding of things.

One thing that I know for sure: I am still learning and growing. And people show up exactly on time-to remind us of what being present and grounded is AND all of the ways that we may not be. Fuck.

In the midst of building a home (thank the Goddess we are nearing the finish line as the year ends, I have never felt so overwhelmed) transitioning to a whole new life and dealing with familial roots and dynamics that I haven’t been around in the last…24 or so years…it’s been a lot.

But I’m very grateful for the things that I’m learning and being connected with them again. This December makes a whole ass year since I’ve been back and it has been…1 for the books, lol. & as much as everything in my body and mind was ready to head in the opposite direction ✈️ …there is a purpose that I’m back here now. For how long? I don’t know yet. But knowing that my presence here is for something bigger than me-for family and making sure my mum is good and in a brand new home, settled after losing everything in Hurricane Dorian…is what makes every fear and uncertainty, doubt, regret…dissipate. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about how in an instant I almost lost her and the majority of my family on my Mums side…life is…fucking wild.

& when I speak of regret and doubt-it’s me speaking on my own personal demons and journey of giving up a life I have known in another country for the last 20+ years and all of the comforts, the freedom (as a queer person) and ease…that I made the very hard (but easy) decision to leave.

Because my presence was needed here. Presence. Again, that word. This reflection I’m experiencing I suppose is pretty on brand with the year coming to a close.

This post is also pertaining to a connection that I once viewed as promising and refreshing…& I still give it that, as it was. So. Now I’m boutta digress. & since my site has the word confession in it, what did you expect? Lol

I’m…hmm. Acknowledging that people are allowed to change their minds. & allowed to make decisions and choices based on what’s best for them…I have to move forward in that logical space of processing. I believe it was Chani Nicholas who posted up about Sagittarius season and called it the season of “spirited ghosting” 👻 & as a Sagg Moon…the shit is awful, but made sense and made me chuckle when I read it. However, it’s not the best feeling when it’s done to you. As anyone who has ever been on that side of the fence can attest.

Have I done it before? I’m pretty sure I have in my past. Before I grew into the person that I am now. And. So now, I’m tasked with practicing what I am always preaching (from the book The Four Agreements) & 1)doing my best to 2) not take personal someone making a personal decision for themselves. Ehhhh.

Acknowledgments.

Astrologer Danielle (one of my faves) said that your rising is there to protect your Sun. And with Pisces as my rising…umm I dunno bout that 😂 jk, jk. Because with my Aquarius Sun and Sagg Moon…I definitely needed to have that water rising to protect my Sun (at 29° Leo, no doubt) and me from being too hard, selfish, egotistical, self consumed, etc….that water is so necessary. & even though we know the fish can be a bit much sometimes, it’s exactly what I needed to provide the balance necessary that I always strive towards lined up with my Air sun, Fire Moon and Earth Venus. Perfect. For me. & for whomever I end up aligned with in a relationship.

Because I understand now. And I’m so much better and letting things be exactly what they are, without attaching negatively to it, idealizing or romanticizing it to the point of delusion…Neptune can make you do that shit, lol. But. I realize that I can’t do anything with the potential of a thing, only the reality of it. Fuck.

Wisdom comes at a cost, lol. You see me here intellectually speaking on this shit, but I would be lying if I sat here typing and said that this presence and then absence of something/someone hasn’t affected me at all. I’m a human, not a robot contrary to typical Aquarius slander. It’s affected me. Not in an egotistical way though-because like I said, everyone has a right to do what is best for them & I always say that no one belongs to anyone else- but changed me in a way that has helped me grow. I was able to open up and show my vulnerable side to someone (I usually don’t that quickly-Capricorn Venus-lemme stop there because this connection has proven that I have grown) so being open and vulnerable with someone was once a challenge. But. This perfect alignment with her (be it short lived) has shown me all the the ways I have grown for the better. & not being bitter about something that I had so much hope for dissipating the way it did.

It gives me hope and I am grateful for being able to see me; as the person that I was once working to become (in relation to relating to someone I’m feeling/interested in romantically). Fuck. Because I know when I do align and connect with someone on this level again, I know that I’ve done the work and am capable of giving and sharing love, care, myself etc wholeheartedly…with only the intentions of giving and receiving the highest love. Sans unhealthy attachment, ego, none of that shit that I used to deal/rock with.

It’s fucking possible! Lol. It’s a great feeling amidst being bummed about something not going according to my own human plan-but the Universe and my Ancestors…they know what’s up and I trust them. That every redirection of energy and attention is for my highest good and the highest good of all involved.

That’s the shit, man. Because I always say that things are always working out for me-for my highest good AND the highest good of all involved…sometimes I just wanna be selfish and just say for my own highest good, Lolol. But. That’s not what love is. If we being real. I want shit to work for me, but also for you, too. I want it to be working for the higher good for us both. Smh. When tf did I become this person, lol. Well. I am grateful to be here, now. As I am.

I’m here to give and share real love (Cancer 5H and NN) with others. Remind them that they are worthy of the greatest love and care. Might not be from me forever, but they are worthy nonetheless. & acknowledging that I can’t do the work for anyone else but myself. & I am only responsible for me and how I choose to show up. That being said, I will never regret giving or sharing any of my love/care/concern with anyone, because it’s who I am. I’m a fucking lover, man. & I’m grateful for those who see me, feel me, receive me as I am and choose to intentionally show up and reciprocate. & for the ones who don’t, can’t/are unable to for whatever reason…peace to them.

Everyone is my teacher.

Eternally grateful for my life teachers that bless me with lessons that I needed to see/learn. To help fix my vision and readjustment of frequencies. Operating from fear, or embodying of a “runner/chaser” energy is not it. Because anything that is avoiding or running…doesn’t want to be chased. Shit makes sense don’t it? That’s not the type of energy I desire. I’m operating from a space of love and alignment now. & knowing that I am worthy of all the love that I give out. All the good shit, I am worthy of. And as I exhale and release this long ass post of acknowledgments, I am extremely grateful to be here. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

One is loved because one is loved

Queer
Via their Instagram: Queerbrainslut

ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE VALID, NO MATTER WHAT THEY LOOK OR SEEM LIKE TO OTHERS.
I THINK IT’S SO IMPORTANT & HEALTHY TO CENTER CONNECTION-IN WHATEVER FORMS THEY MANIFEST AS LONG AS IT’S HEALTHY FOR ALL INVOLVED.

I CAN’T IMAGINE NOT APPRECIATING OR DISMISSING GENUINE & INTENTIONAL LOVE/CONNECTION BECAUSE IT DOESN’T FIT INSIDE OF A BOX.

The Alchemist

Oh, lemme just say that all caps above is from the font I was using on my IG Story that I decided to turn into this blog entry. I never use all caps like that. But I damn sure wasn’t about to retype it, lol.

So. Anyway. Back to the ideas of love & relationships fitting neatly into boxes…one thing that I learned and realized is that love is all encompassing & should never try to be contained-especially to maintain the hierarchical, patriarchal, heteronormative lens..nah. Being a queer person that shit does not work for me any longer. I’m grateful to be learning more as I grow further. & relationship anarchy is a term I’ve just recently learned.

We shouldn’t deny ourselves the pleasure and joy of loving and co-creating happiness with other humans-based on views that say it has to look this particular way or be this particular thing in order to be valid or deemed important.

Yo. Have you lived in this world? With all of the virtual everything, dependency on machines rather than humans/replacing human interaction & connection…society is disconnected enough. We should want to be connected (oh the redundancy of this word) as much as we can in a society that wants us to be separatists, unhappy, dependent on things that numb us…yo. If I connect with someone genuinely (& mutually) in any capacity, I am grateful.

I’m typically speaking of friendship, non sexual, community, etc. Friends that become family. Humans that you are close to but only see like once a year or longer for some, but still very connected. Humans that I would absolutely coparent with-but have no sexual or romantic relationship with. People that we become close to after dealing with them strictly on an online basis. Listen, I’m Uranus ruled via my Sun & my Mercury-so online friends is a thing for me. Some of my dearest people I’ve met online. So. To dismiss any of those relationships and say they aren’t valid would be a loss to the greater sense of my own personal community of humans.

Love will never belong in a box

And as a Capricorn Venus, I admit that in romantic relationships I am a bit more “traditional” in the sense that I am a monogamous person who prefers & thrives in stability and longevity. I don’t think that will every change. But, what does that look like outside and inside of those parameters? I’m more concerned with loving and experiencing the person. Intimacy and connection. Even if it doesn’t happen in the most typical or traditional way. So. I’m not denying or suppressing my love or feelings-if they there, they are there and happening on purpose. We can figure out the other details in time, but love for me, is what’s most important. And being moved by someone. Inspired by them. In awe of them and their human and divine expression. I give a shit about that. Not a box 📦 of neatly arranged and controlled, or worse, suppressed emotions.

Love is constant. & happens because it is supposed to. When it’s supposed to individuals on their journey. I would be a fool to deny such a beautiful gift.

3-4 months

Queer

I know pain, like Kurt Cobain

Or A.I. playing, hurt the whole game

-Common
How do you love the love of your life for so long...from high school sweethearts to, still very happily and blissfully together for 33 years...then in an instant* learn that you have 3 -4 months left with them before they die?

How?

Like...it seem unfathomable. surreal. 

All those years of loving. All of the history and the memories...and the planning for the future...to now have a future of 3-4 months?

Life can be benevolent, as it can be cruel. Because on one hand the type of love, bond and connection that they have nurtured, grown and maintained for all of these years is the blessing. Getting to wake up next to the love of your life every day. A partner in life and  spouse who you adore and adores you equally...someone who knows all of your quirks, hopes, fears, dreams, secrets...someone who has vowed to never leave your side...is being made to. By life. By an aggressive cancer recently discovered. 

Her life came to a complete standstill as she contemplated what kind of life would be normal, when the most normal part of her existence would soon be gone. She contemplated her breath...because it seemed as the days passed, she forgot that it was automatic. All she knew now were monitors and doctors and tests. As her partners light grew more dim, she fought the urge every day to maintain her own. 
She felt as if her own life force was slipping away, as she watched that of her partners slowly leave, day by day.

The kids and the spiritualists these days would say some new age crap about not being attached to people and some more insensitive and love lacking bullshit. But what do they know? Have they experienced this level and depth of irrefutable love, commitment or connection? No. Of course not. They are too busy being hyper independent, unattached, closed off and afraid to swim beneath any surface that requires relinquishing their perceived power or surrendering their egos to love anyone pass their "boundaries" (no matter how unhealthy they are). 
It's easy to say "don't be attached to other people" when you've never genuinely been connected to someone.
Especially someone who has seen and loved you through your best and your worst...and chose every day to love you and show up for you...for 33 years. To cheer you on and grow with you through the changed minds, changed ideals & beliefs, changed appearances and the changes of life. Your meditation partner in the mornings. Your walking buddy in the evenings after work. Your daily reminder that the Universe/God-dess/this benevolent force that brought you this wonderful, imperfect human who is completely perfect for you...is real.

What isn't real...is the current reality, as it inches towards the most unreal future. One without the love of her life. In 3-4 months.

I wish the words above were based on fiction, but unfortunately they’re based on the very recent and current journey of two of my people. Life is wild. Strange…beautiful. & At times like these…absolutely unbelievable and heartbreaking.