Unlucky Day

Queer
Yeah you a ten
but that attitude ain’t fine

I honestly don’t want anyone to chase me or feel like they gotta chase me, cuz my attention is no longer theirs- based on the ways they was moving funny.

Or because I called my energy back and whatever attachment I had to the situation and you, is dissipating.

I’m such a huge fan and advocate of clarity. It’s a necessity for me. Especially in my relationships. Clear, healthy, open and honest communication, but, just cuz you a fan of that type of vibe, that don’t mean that the other person is.

Life…be life-ing.

But what I’m not gonna do is keep making excuses for shitty behaviour &/or treatment-for whatever reason. Or me feeling like I’m always the one that has to reach out…ehhh, no thanks.

I’m not with that. Not when I worked this hard to be this healed and grow this damn much. My Venus AND my 7H are blessed with Saturn placements 🙂…you think I didn’t have to put in ALL the work? Smt. Please. From figuring out life at a very young age & how to move, love & survive in a world foreign to me, I’m not with the bullshit*

*by bullshit I mean…someone making my life or making a connection unnecessarily difficult. I’d rather you not disturb me/my life at all…if this is what you bring & have to offer.

Confusion and mixed signals…is communication enough, when you think about it.

We often sometimes expect things out of people because of the way we move & love, but shit, some just aren’t able to reciprocate. Or…they just don’t feel like you are worth the effort. If we gon continue to keep it real on this here Blog. Truth ain’t always peaches and roses. & roses do have thorns…so.

Here we are. This imbalanced dynamic. So now, here comes the great lord of time and karma: Saturn 🪐 poppin up like

Like…let’s see if you’ve learned these lessons, or you just talk that shit on Twitter, Lolol. Man. The test is always in session. For me & in my opinion.

Because based on what you believe about yourself (self worth or lack there of) will manifest in your relationships and potential relationships. & honestly, I’m not failing that shit no more. Matter of fact, I want extra fucking credit. Ok, ok…I may be getting ahead of myself ✋🏿 Because yes, I did entertain something further than I should have-

& as much as my ass be posting Instagram captions talking about

When people show you who they are, believe them. The first time.

Dr. Maya Angelou

I love that quote and I’ve used it numerous times. But yet. & still. After she showed me a couple times…I did believe her and my ass still passed go 🙂

Yeah well, I passed go couple times…based on “potential” and not reality. & what she was actually showing me.

I decided that this time tho (& any time moving forward) I will not allow someone to take me to hell. For no goddamn reason.

& here’s what I’ve learned and what I love: that there are no hard feelings. It just is what it is & I refuse to pretend it is, what it ain’t.

So if someone is going to be back and forth; they wanna fuck with you one day or for a lil while, then switch up…I’m good on that.

I’m not a fan of the runner-chaser dynamic, either. & to be real…it’s not even that I’m “running.” I’m just not checking anymore.

Peace to that.

& peace to the things that need to show up to remind you exactly where you are at.

& peace to them leaving as I remember not only the lesson, but that I am worth way more than that bs ✌🏿

Black leather, white feather

Queer

Feeling good. Peaceful. Grateful. Appreciating the way people show up and don’t show up.

& it’s all personal- to them.

Seems like it has everything to do with you, right? But it’s actually the other person. & their action or inaction is based on what they feel. What they got going on.

Man. I used to take that shit on. I’m…no longer in the business of doing that. It doesn’t interest me any longer. & if I’ve learned anything on this post modern queer journey: it’s to only do shit, participate in shit & give my energy to shit that lights me up. Feeling responsible for someone else’s feelings or lack there of, neither excites or lights me up, lol.

& I also changed my agreement.

& it feels fucking good. & tbh, along with this new growth-

Wait- holy fuck. Before I get into the feather…my manifestations have been coming in heavy lately. On some I create what I speak, abracadabra type shit and honestly? I’m here for it!

Something has shifted. & changed…me. And as a fixed sun, who tends to get fixated on the goddess of the season that I’m feeling (I say season bc it doesn’t happens all the time like that-that I consider & regard somebody in that way), it’s a very nice feeling to be at peace. Like…truly at peace. My elevation of happiness and peace is the proof (for my own experience) of what I’ve been speaking on for years:

So. To be..idk what to call it, but it feels like a wave…flow…of acceptance, acknowledgement and gratitude.

I have a tendency to say “everyone is my teacher” and I honestly feel that way. This woman taught me so much; from my current dating style and love languages to healthy boundaries and communication (& ways I need to/am working on improving). I mean..think about it. The people that come into our lives are never a mistake. I could never say I regret our relationship. Well, I mean I could say that. But it’s the subsequent growth for me, because of you, me & our dynamic.

Idc how long it lasted. It was valid, important and taught me some shit. & for that, for all my life and love teachers, I give thanks. The presence, the lessons and the blessings.

I found a white feather randomly in my bedroom. The internet “spirituality meaning” experts said this:

White feathers can seem like good luck, but it is less to do with luck and more to do with your vibration changing that is allowing better things to appear in your reality. In this way, white feathers are more a sign of “law of attraction” rather than random good luck.

If white feathers appear just as something positive has happened, it is a sign that you have shifted something on a deep level, such as a core belief system, that is allowing better things to come into your life. 

Receiving white feathers from the flow of the universe is a sign that you have gone through many challenges and done the hard work to break through any limiting beliefs that have held you back. This is a period of time where you connecting and identifying with your core essence and higher self. 

White feathers in this context bring a refreshed sense of hope and faith for the future and bring in the energy of gratitude and peace. You are entering into a season in your life that may be new to you, filled with gifts that the universe wants to send your way. 

To see a white feather after a positive event happens means that this is a time where you should put energy and attention towards your personal and spiritual growth, so that you can continue to open up the layers that are ready to receive the gifts headed your way. You can only hold onto the capacity that your energetic container can hold, so this is a time to expand and strengthen that container.

I’m here for it.

In tune, Direct Neptune

Queer

That’s it…that’s the tweet Blog. Ok that’s not it, but damn…this Instagram post stopped me in my fucking tracks and I HAD to share it on my Story and now, here. Because I don’t want to forget it. I don’t ever want to forget the moments that led me to this post. And how divinely timed this shit was.

The fact that I had been playing “Real Love Baby” when I first saw this post also solidified what my guides were trying to tell & remind me:

That settling for lukewarm or bare minimum effort and love is not the business. That I am worthy of a love so sublime and so divine, that it reminds me of love; that I am love(d).

Every bone in my body will be sure. With love and humans coinciding-she doesn’t have to be perfect to be the antidote, the cure…

pure vibes and love. A love affair and love story to rival any epic tale. A love that’s real. And ready. & open and willing to move through the discomfort and the temporary. My love will choose me as I do her, endlessly. She will be solid in her love and intention, not on the fence about me. Not perfect, but perfect…for me.

I could write and write and write…but I’m gonna keep it brief and soak in the words above. A reminder of a perfect love for me. Imperfectly existing, never waning or drifting. Gifting me with her presence and consistency…hold her down as she lifts me. Transporting me to heights not reached previously. & honestly nobody else exists to me… Real Love, Baby

B.B. King: Bummed, but not Bitter

Queer

Presence & Acknowledgements

Presence takes on a whole new meaning for me this year-a more intentional and actual/factual meaning.

Standing in the sand ocean against feet. & Being able to look so clearly at the stars in the sky. It reminds you of how smalll you are. & how big…grand, vast…erry thing out there is. & how things are orchestrated divinely, over our own human understanding of things.

One thing that I know for sure: I am still learning and growing. And people show up exactly on time-to remind us of what being present and grounded is AND all of the ways that we may not be. Fuck.

In the midst of building a home (thank the Goddess we are nearing the finish line as the year ends, I have never felt so overwhelmed) transitioning to a whole new life and dealing with familial roots and dynamics that I haven’t been around in the last…24 or so years…it’s been a lot.

But I’m very grateful for the things that I’m learning and being connected with them again. This December makes a whole ass year since I’ve been back and it has been…1 for the books, lol. & as much as everything in my body and mind was ready to head in the opposite direction ✈️ …there is a purpose that I’m back here now. For how long? I don’t know yet. But knowing that my presence here is for something bigger than me-for family and making sure my mum is good and in a brand new home, settled after losing everything in Hurricane Dorian…is what makes every fear and uncertainty, doubt, regret…dissipate. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about how in an instant I almost lost her and the majority of my family on my Mums side…life is…fucking wild.

& when I speak of regret and doubt-it’s me speaking on my own personal demons and journey of giving up a life I have known in another country for the last 20+ years and all of the comforts, the freedom (as a queer person) and ease…that I made the very hard (but easy) decision to leave.

Because my presence was needed here. Presence. Again, that word. This reflection I’m experiencing I suppose is pretty on brand with the year coming to a close.

This post is also pertaining to a connection that I once viewed as promising and refreshing…& I still give it that, as it was. So. Now I’m boutta digress. & since my site has the word confession in it, what did you expect? Lol

I’m…hmm. Acknowledging that people are allowed to change their minds. & allowed to make decisions and choices based on what’s best for them…I have to move forward in that logical space of processing. I believe it was Chani Nicholas who posted up about Sagittarius season and called it the season of “spirited ghosting” 👻 & as a Sagg Moon…the shit is awful, but made sense and made me chuckle when I read it. However, it’s not the best feeling when it’s done to you. As anyone who has ever been on that side of the fence can attest.

Have I done it before? I’m pretty sure I have in my past. Before I grew into the person that I am now. And. So now, I’m tasked with practicing what I am always preaching (from the book The Four Agreements) & 1)doing my best to 2) not take personal someone making a personal decision for themselves. Ehhhh.

Acknowledgments.

Astrologer Danielle (one of my faves) said that your rising is there to protect your Sun. And with Pisces as my rising…umm I dunno bout that 😂 jk, jk. Because with my Aquarius Sun and Sagg Moon…I definitely needed to have that water rising to protect my Sun (at 29° Leo, no doubt) and me from being too hard, selfish, egotistical, self consumed, etc….that water is so necessary. & even though we know the fish can be a bit much sometimes, it’s exactly what I needed to provide the balance necessary that I always strive towards lined up with my Air sun, Fire Moon and Earth Venus. Perfect. For me. & for whomever I end up aligned with in a relationship.

Because I understand now. And I’m so much better and letting things be exactly what they are, without attaching negatively to it, idealizing or romanticizing it to the point of delusion…Neptune can make you do that shit, lol. But. I realize that I can’t do anything with the potential of a thing, only the reality of it. Fuck.

Wisdom comes at a cost, lol. You see me here intellectually speaking on this shit, but I would be lying if I sat here typing and said that this presence and then absence of something/someone hasn’t affected me at all. I’m a human, not a robot contrary to typical Aquarius slander. It’s affected me. Not in an egotistical way though-because like I said, everyone has a right to do what is best for them & I always say that no one belongs to anyone else- but changed me in a way that has helped me grow. I was able to open up and show my vulnerable side to someone (I usually don’t that quickly-Capricorn Venus-lemme stop there because this connection has proven that I have grown) so being open and vulnerable with someone was once a challenge. But. This perfect alignment with her (be it short lived) has shown me all the the ways I have grown for the better. & not being bitter about something that I had so much hope for dissipating the way it did.

It gives me hope and I am grateful for being able to see me; as the person that I was once working to become (in relation to relating to someone I’m feeling/interested in romantically). Fuck. Because I know when I do align and connect with someone on this level again, I know that I’ve done the work and am capable of giving and sharing love, care, myself etc wholeheartedly…with only the intentions of giving and receiving the highest love. Sans unhealthy attachment, ego, none of that shit that I used to deal/rock with.

It’s fucking possible! Lol. It’s a great feeling amidst being bummed about something not going according to my own human plan-but the Universe and my Ancestors…they know what’s up and I trust them. That every redirection of energy and attention is for my highest good and the highest good of all involved.

That’s the shit, man. Because I always say that things are always working out for me-for my highest good AND the highest good of all involved…sometimes I just wanna be selfish and just say for my own highest good, Lolol. But. That’s not what love is. If we being real. I want shit to work for me, but also for you, too. I want it to be working for the higher good for us both. Smh. When tf did I become this person, lol. Well. I am grateful to be here, now. As I am.

I’m here to give and share real love (Cancer 5H and NN) with others. Remind them that they are worthy of the greatest love and care. Might not be from me forever, but they are worthy nonetheless. & acknowledging that I can’t do the work for anyone else but myself. & I am only responsible for me and how I choose to show up. That being said, I will never regret giving or sharing any of my love/care/concern with anyone, because it’s who I am. I’m a fucking lover, man. & I’m grateful for those who see me, feel me, receive me as I am and choose to intentionally show up and reciprocate. & for the ones who don’t, can’t/are unable to for whatever reason…peace to them.

Everyone is my teacher.

Eternally grateful for my life teachers that bless me with lessons that I needed to see/learn. To help fix my vision and readjustment of frequencies. Operating from fear, or embodying of a “runner/chaser” energy is not it. Because anything that is avoiding or running…doesn’t want to be chased. Shit makes sense don’t it? That’s not the type of energy I desire. I’m operating from a space of love and alignment now. & knowing that I am worthy of all the love that I give out. All the good shit, I am worthy of. And as I exhale and release this long ass post of acknowledgments, I am extremely grateful to be here. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

One is loved because one is loved

Queer
Via their Instagram: Queerbrainslut

ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE VALID, NO MATTER WHAT THEY LOOK OR SEEM LIKE TO OTHERS.
I THINK IT’S SO IMPORTANT & HEALTHY TO CENTER CONNECTION-IN WHATEVER FORMS THEY MANIFEST AS LONG AS IT’S HEALTHY FOR ALL INVOLVED.

I CAN’T IMAGINE NOT APPRECIATING OR DISMISSING GENUINE & INTENTIONAL LOVE/CONNECTION BECAUSE IT DOESN’T FIT INSIDE OF A BOX.

The Alchemist

Oh, lemme just say that all caps above is from the font I was using on my IG Story that I decided to turn into this blog entry. I never use all caps like that. But I damn sure wasn’t about to retype it, lol.

So. Anyway. Back to the ideas of love & relationships fitting neatly into boxes…one thing that I learned and realized is that love is all encompassing & should never try to be contained-especially to maintain the hierarchical, patriarchal, heteronormative lens..nah. Being a queer person that shit does not work for me any longer. I’m grateful to be learning more as I grow further. & relationship anarchy is a term I’ve just recently learned.

We shouldn’t deny ourselves the pleasure and joy of loving and co-creating happiness with other humans-based on views that say it has to look this particular way or be this particular thing in order to be valid or deemed important.

Yo. Have you lived in this world? With all of the virtual everything, dependency on machines rather than humans/replacing human interaction & connection…society is disconnected enough. We should want to be connected (oh the redundancy of this word) as much as we can in a society that wants us to be separatists, unhappy, dependent on things that numb us…yo. If I connect with someone genuinely (& mutually) in any capacity, I am grateful.

I’m typically speaking of friendship, non sexual, community, etc. Friends that become family. Humans that you are close to but only see like once a year or longer for some, but still very connected. Humans that I would absolutely coparent with-but have no sexual or romantic relationship with. People that we become close to after dealing with them strictly on an online basis. Listen, I’m Uranus ruled via my Sun & my Mercury-so online friends is a thing for me. Some of my dearest people I’ve met online. So. To dismiss any of those relationships and say they aren’t valid would be a loss to the greater sense of my own personal community of humans.

Love will never belong in a box

And as a Capricorn Venus, I admit that in romantic relationships I am a bit more “traditional” in the sense that I am a monogamous person who prefers & thrives in stability and longevity. I don’t think that will every change. But, what does that look like outside and inside of those parameters? I’m more concerned with loving and experiencing the person. Intimacy and connection. Even if it doesn’t happen in the most typical or traditional way. So. I’m not denying or suppressing my love or feelings-if they there, they are there and happening on purpose. We can figure out the other details in time, but love for me, is what’s most important. And being moved by someone. Inspired by them. In awe of them and their human and divine expression. I give a shit about that. Not a box 📦 of neatly arranged and controlled, or worse, suppressed emotions.

Love is constant. & happens because it is supposed to. When it’s supposed to individuals on their journey. I would be a fool to deny such a beautiful gift.

Letter to Her & the blessing of a Doula

Lesbian, LGBTQ, QBag, qpoc, Queer, qwoc

A vision of you
Naked
In our living room 
In the pool

Me:
Eyes-
open
Heart
OPEN
The Universe;
Open
Your legs are open
I’m looking at you
Reverently
Admiring
Your crown
Your chest
Goes up and down
Sweat dripping off your brow
Sweat dripping down my back

This. Here.
This place Is where we are at

Where river and ocean meet-in love.

And I don’t know which number cloud I am on
and you’re love, your gift is the high I’m on

Unbelievable
Surreal
I’m not sure what it is I feel
Love is overflowing
In this moment
Amidst your screams and moaning
I know now what it feels like to BE In the Moment
Cuz as your breathing
I breathe with you
I want you to know I’m here with you
I’m here for you
And I’ll never leave you
I hold your hand tightly as you squeeze mine
Every breath and every scream freezes time
You are mine
As we are crying tears of Heaven
Reign down and you bear down
And deliver the greatest gift I would ever receive: our child.

Give thanks to the Great Mother. Give thanks to the Great Goddess.

Peace and Blessings Manifest. Axé.

Shuffle

Bisexual, Gay, gender, Lesbian, LGBTQ, qpoc, Queer, qwoc, sexuality, Transgender

I promise to listen
To you

And

Not fuck off with your heart
As most pre love post lovers do

Substantial
Everything you are
Especíal
One you are…

From your Power
To my Peace
To the Strength in my back
That makes you
Be*cum
Weak in the knees

The sight of you
Makes
Me
Weak in the knees

Composure kept
Although my heart is power walking steps

The ladder
That led me
Here
Or a bridge…

Yeah
That’s what Sade said:

He built…a bridge to your heart. All the way…

& so I know I haven’t come all this way
For nothin

    This. Must. Be. The. Place

You.
You and that face
That Love that you so easily give away

To me
Even when briefly
Give me your mouth so my tongue can connect with yours indiscreetly

& that will be the day
I might just say
Fuck it.

If you want a piece of paper

Sign your name as it becomes mine
I will give you kisses until there is no time
And love like there is no time
& I will. I do.
Love you.
Forevere like-
Like our Love isn’t punishable by Crime.

in some places it is.

& i will embrace you
Give you someone to lean to
Become your rock
As you continue this journey in this lifetime as a fallen angel

Pack Light.

Developing our negatives
Through our Dark
Push to Start…

 

You. Make Love.

FEEL…

Like ART

 

Take my badge
I will gladly give you my heart
Cuz I know,

You are deserving of Everything.

I wanna hold your hand and kiss your fears behind the walls of years you wondered if anyone else was out there.

Someone. A being. Who would get you. Love you and let you. Be.

Exist as you choose to Be.

  • Take you and give of themselves

Without expecting miracles from an overused and at times abused, wishing well.
Cuz I know damn well:
We are all Human. Mostly.

Demons. Soul cooking. In Hells Kitchen.
I guess that’s it…