I sit here in bed. On this overcast ass Saturday morning. Broke my “no socials before 10am” boundary & hopped on twitter.
There was this video. I’ll post the video at the end of this. But watching it reminded me of a story that my mum tells people (not like a brag-well, maybe, low key? 🥴) whenever fellow like minded Bahamians get together and speak on how they disciplined…aka beat the shit outta their children in order to “teach them a lesson.”
As I recite this anecdote word for word, I’ll tell you after what my mum (Taurus sun) taught me.
Ok so. I’m about 3-4 years old. We are all in my great uncles infamous church in Eight Mile Rock.
I’m 3. I’m restless. & I start to get fidgety. So. My mum does her best to contain me in my seat and in the midst of her attempting to do so-my 3 year old brain thinks that yes, finally some fun. We are playing. This is a game. & I start playing and end up smacking her face in the midst of what I thought was playtime.
She. The somewhat public figure. She, a Taurus woman with so much pride and image to maintain, takes my 3 year old slap, as a personal slight and attack against her. & “in front of all these people.” As her pressure rises (her words) she grabs me, pulls me out of the church and takes me outside and “wails on me”
Again, her words. I remember the last time this conversation came up, she was talking to some other family members about disciplining children. They, of course (products of thier own environment/upbringing) chuckled and agreed that was the best course of action…for a child. Doing what children do: playing.
Gyalll lemme tell you. I put sum on her behind. I beat the shit outta her.
-my Mum telling people about the ass whoopin she gave me, outside of church.
Now. Please don’t misconstrue or attempt to make it into anything other/more than what I am saying. It was never to the point of me having broken bones, dislocated anything, no fists (a slipper or switch worked for her, lol) no blood, no injuries none of that. I don’t want to ever portray something that never was. I was never a punching bag. Perhaps…maybe a scapegoat for misplaced/misdirected anger at times. but it wasn’t all the time/frequent (bc I’m a fast learner and learned VERY early not to fuck with this woman-I knew the consequences) so it wasn’t an every day or even every week thing. Nah.
But. When it did happen…it was always world shattering to me. Because. That’s where I learned that I could never feel safe, or trust the ONE person in the world, that I wanted and needed that from.
And kids need safety. They need to feel like their parents and primary caregivers will protect them, not the opposite.
So. After Alllllll these years, I still don’t feel safe with her. I’m talking emotionally and psychologically (this phenomenal woman also has an undergrad in Psychology 💀)
But. I never trust her with my feelings or my self. Because. That’s what I was shown. That’s what I learned.
My trust issues…began early.
Here is the video that moved me to write this:
And next, here is the video and song from the artist, Prayers Aka, Leafar Seyer “Trust Issues”
It’s good to be able to say the words and articulate the things that I couldn’t growing up. To, as an adult, realize, understand and accept that…no one deserves “discipline” in the form of violence. & also, that some people that we love/love us the most…have harmed us the most. &. Completely unintentionally. What they grew up learning as discipline…was all that they knew. I’m grateful to be able to accept that. Was it right? Absolutely not. But, it was their way. I’m also grateful to know better, so I can be and do better (big up to Ancestor Angelou) and share this with mine and future generations. There are healthier ways. Give thanks.
I hate sounding cliché. & this is probably gonna sound cliché as hell, but 2023 is definitely a year of change. Good change. Well…I guess all change is good. Idk if I can speak for that for every single case/person, but the good change? Yeah that’s that shit I’m on.
Ok but Wtf does this have to do with the dead?
Because there are a couple people in my life, with all love- I choose not to resuscitate the connections.
Excavating the same grave
& expecting new life
When only toxicity is resurrected every time…
with her was…bird food.
& because of my very strong like, allowed myself to be breadcrumbed
After Mercury. & After Mars. They both retrograde right now. & it was by the grace of the twitter gods that reminded me of this astrological occurrence with those 2 planets.
Still. I hopped on WhatsApp and began typing a message to my mum. Some of the realest shit I ever wrote.
I have some things I need to get off of my chest. Release this negative energy and this pressure in my heart. Because holding things in, makes ppl explode. And it’s counterproductive to any type of growth.
Why do you volunteer information that no one asked you for?
It seems like whenever (especially) you are feeling some type of way about me, you always do that. Say something to try and embarrass me or put me down in some way, in front of others.
Why do you do that? It’s so toxic and unnecessary. And just, the actions of someone who doesn’t like or actually hates the other person. That’s how you make me feel. Please stop doing this. It’s embarrassing for the both of us esp when it’s front of people.
Tonight…tonight I am accepting FINALLY that some generational curses, maybe just can’t be broken. Because the toxic bonds/relationships and the horrible ways we handle, treat & mistreat one another…being BLOOD related…Has got to be a curse. With the exception of aunt L and her children, we are cursed with toxicity with the women and their children.
The proof is all there. & I can’t change anything and want to do better and be better, for the both of us. To not want to have a bad relationship with my mother like Y & AV. C and AV. All of you sisters. Once you all get angry you completely cut each other off and move on. That’s so unhealthy and so toxic.
No one apologizes. No one is accountable. We just have attitudes and stop speaking to each other. Where is the love???? Where is the compassion and understanding that we have for everyone else, but each other?
Doing the same thing, being the same harmful, mean, hurtful person…and expecting different results, is called insanity.
I feel like a stranger compared to the way you treat other people. Like you prefer everyone else on the planet as your child or adopted child, over me. This is how I feel. & it breaks my heart. This ya how I’ve felt for as long as I can remember.
I don’t want to live a stressful uncomfortable life. & Nobody wants to walk on eggshells as you put it. Or be in negative ass energy. I feel like emotionally and psychologically, I’m regressing here.
In this life I’ve learned that some people…just do better loving each other, from a distance.
It’s a hard pill to swallow when it’s a personal truth, but I have to acknowledge and accept that this path and the way we are with each other when things go left, is not healthy. It’s not good. & this is why I’ve made the decision to detach from this toxicity.
I love you. I have learned. For my own protection. and self preservation (mentally, emotionally, psychologically) That like you when it comes to me… I don’t like you. The generational curse is strong in this one. -Dear Mama
Ironically enough..My mum sent me the same clip as the gif I used as the feature image on this post (she sent the extra long clip from Fences, starring Denzel some years back. This was not a teachable moment for her. It was more of an affirming one. Matter of fact, she used that clip to REMIND me that being available emotionally, nurturing, kind, etc. was not here role as a parent. It was to provide.
She never ceases to remind me in some way that A) she never wanted kids.
And B) it’s always been more toleration than genuinely wanting to be a parent.
C)It fucking sucks to be on the receiving end of this your whole life.
Day 3. 2023. Maybe one day I’ll stop taking the shit personally. Or, maybe I won’t and this wound will forever be mine to experience. Idk.
In 2004, this amazing film, Closer, was released. That shit changed my life. It certainly changed the way that I looked at adult relationships and fidelity. Fucked my lil idealistic head up, if I’m being honest. Because the truth of all this;
Being human: you gon fuck up.
Might not be adultery, but being imperfect, we not always gonna get the shit right. But. It’s also how we handle things. & how the other person handles things. Because with some shit, there’s no going backwards. For me anyway. When it comes to trust and being honest with intentions, I hold that shit in high regard.
Funnies shit about that though? Just bc you hold it in high regard, doesn’t mean that the other person does. Well. Whatever the case. Broken trust, is hard pill to swallow. & falling in love (or lust) with other people absolutely can and does happen. It’s how you handle the shit as it comes up (& openly communicate about it) that can save ya some time, energy &/or heartbreak. All in all, I didn’t want to go into a new year without creating/posting content from Closer. & remix it with a lil twitter.
I’m not Rihanna I do not love the way you lie. I will block you.
Being/feeling not grounded, sucks. You notice the imbalance easier once you start living intentionally, authentically & paying tf attention.
I tried to pay attention but attention paid me.
& for that to happen (for me) I have to cut out the noise & the distractions. The demands of the outside world that holds your peace…hostage.
Until you… sick of making plea deals for your own sanity Get a grip… on reality Unplug from this… status:connected (but very disconnected) fantasy
& get back to nature. Which is also meaning to get back to the root: get back to you.
It gets easier once you start to strip away layers of agreements that were made-with and without your consent.
The peace…of saying “no” is unmatched. & not in a mean, stingy way of being…nah. In a selfish way of being. Yeah, selfish. If that means taking care of self, I’m for it. Not harmful to others or cruel. No.
Caring for others…comes secondary to caring for you.
Y’all remember That scene when Lauren Hawkins (Health department chick who shut the Pynk down in season 2) was getting her lap dance from Gidget? This was in the VIP room in season 1.
She was having a grand old time, a phenomenal time living it up and celebrating her divorce settlement and subsequent blowing her divorce settlement on titties and street shit (IYKYK-it’s a reference to another character)
But…the thing about depression and sadness and especially if you are good at masking/ or a high, or otherwise, functioning depressed individual.
But you could (seemingly) be on top of the world and all of a sudden…then thoughts creep up. Reality sets back in and this amazing experience is overshadowed by what you really got going on inside.
It can hit you and fuck your shit up and remind you that you really are not OK.
Yeah that scene wit Lauren…that moment happened quickly and was brief as fuck. & if you not paying attention, you could miss it.
but I’ve experienced enough to overstand what that sadness in the midst of heaven can feel like. & it’s ok. You will have your moments.
Do your best to not let those moments become your entire story. But acknowledging the shit is healthy. Pretending and suppressing, is not.