Someone asked me the other day if I believe that free will is a thing…
One of the greatest things about being human, IMO, is free will. & choice. You are the decider of things. & I am grateful for the choice to opt out of relationships that aren’t healthy.
It’s really good to acknowledge this because just like with email subscriptions, you can unsubscribe from a relationship that is draining, too difficult, one-sided, unhealthy/toxic, etc. Or even ones that are stagnant, don’t move or excite you. & it’s no hard feelings. No soft ones either, lol. It’s the indifference especially that is also a deciding factor.
Are we growing together? Individually?
I’m sitting up under the remnants of the Libra full moon. Contemplating. Full Moons are about release and letting go. So.
As I’m sitting here, a random neighborhood dog is barking sporadically in the distance.
The only other sounds I’m hearing are the rain & a little bit of thunder.
I can fuck with the vibe this morning on this good ass Friday.
I’m thinking about how if certain people hadn’t entered my life, life would look SOOOOOO different for me. I think. I’m almost believing it. Because of that one relationship, it was such a catalyst to my life unfolding the way it did.
& I met this person through an ex person.
I swear to fuck that meme that you’ve probably seen about no one coming into your life by accident, that shit is true asfffffffff!
Wow. Someone who was once such a huge part of my life for so long, the relationship and connection no longer exists. One thing I’ve learned in my big life:
You might have to end up mourning the living.
But. Life goes on. You grieve it. & the grief comes and goes-as in any loss. But all I can think of in this current moment is how extremely grateful for that person I am. The experiences, memories, connection, kinship…really taught me about platonic soulmates and & what it means to be a friend. How someone shows up for you, fights for you, rides with you and stays by your side-
They for you. They wit the shits…Except when it was time to grow. & be accountable. To evolve.
Listen. We can’t change other people. All we can do is love ‘em (or not)-
perhaps you might have to love them from a distance or even…love them only from the memories and dassit.
But still, the years and the love, sweat, tears, laughter, etc.etc.etc. that helped me get to me, where I am, as I am, now.
& right now, I am inundated with gratitude and love as I’m about to go clean my house and then peel some potatoes 🥔 cuz family is coming over and everyone is bringing their dishes and breaking bread; sharing love and really…that’s what also helps you appreciate the old memories; being present and making new ones. With new energies to learn from and co-create with. I’m loving this place. This space. Of understanding. Clarity feels nice. Discernment is always good. & I am grateful for the way my life is brilliantly unfolding.
What comes let it come. What goes, let it go. And as always:
And the more I connect with nature, myself…learning my self, as I am evolving and continuous unlearning-in real time.
I honestly and truly can say that I appreciate the pace and the flow in my life. & Every time I hear Sir sing these words, I feel the fuck outta the lyrics:
Cuz life is so much better when you live in slow motion…
I take that to be very intentional about what shows up in your (my) experiences. & being present, taking life at a slower pace; a space that allows you the space to breathe 🧘🏾♂️ and make decisions and to choose, from love (& mostly peace). I’ve come from a former life of always being on the go & in this half…life is meant to be (& is/will continue to be) enjoyed and experienced . Loved and lived on my terms. My terms happen to include family, fresh air, the beach and a whole lot of traveling, at my leisure. So.
I intended to post this about…10 hours ago. Got caught up in the preparation of family coming over and life in real time. All good tings, tho.
Feeling good. Peaceful. Grateful. Appreciating the way people show up and don’t show up.
& it’s all personal- to them.
Seems like it has everything to do with you, right? But it’s actually the other person. & their action or inaction is based on what they feel. What they got going on.
Man. I used to take that shit on. I’m…no longer in the business of doing that. It doesn’t interest me any longer. & if I’ve learned anything on this post modern queer journey: it’s to only do shit, participate in shit & give my energy to shit that lights me up. Feeling responsible for someone else’s feelings or lack there of, neither excites or lights me up, lol.
& I also changed my agreement.
& it feels fucking good. & tbh, along with this new growth-
Wait- holy fuck. Before I get into the feather…my manifestations have been coming in heavy lately. On some I create what I speak, abracadabra type shit and honestly? I’m here for it!
Something has shifted. & changed…me. And as a fixed sun, who tends to get fixated on the goddess of the season that I’m feeling (I say season bc it doesn’t happens all the time like that-that I consider & regard somebody in that way), it’s a very nice feeling to be at peace. Like…truly at peace. My elevation of happiness and peace is the proof (for my own experience) of what I’ve been speaking on for years:
So. To be..idk what to call it, but it feels like a wave…flow…of acceptance, acknowledgement and gratitude.
I have a tendency to say “everyone is my teacher” and I honestly feel that way. This woman taught me so much; from my current dating style and love languages to healthy boundaries and communication (& ways I need to/am working on improving). I mean..think about it. The people that come into our lives are never a mistake. I could never say I regret our relationship. Well, I mean I could say that. But it’s the subsequent growth for me, because of you, me & our dynamic.
Idc how long it lasted. It was valid, important and taught me some shit. & for that, for all my life and love teachers, I give thanks. The presence, the lessons and the blessings.
I found a white feather randomly in my bedroom. The internet “spirituality meaning” experts said this:
White feathers can seem like good luck, but it is less to do with luck and more to do with your vibration changing that is allowing better things to appear in your reality. In this way, white feathers are more a sign of “law of attraction” rather than random good luck.
If white feathers appear just as something positive has happened, it is a sign that you have shifted something on a deep level, such as a core belief system, that is allowing better things to come into your life.
Receiving white feathers from the flow of the universe is a sign that you have gone through many challenges and done the hard work to break through any limiting beliefs that have held you back. This is a period of time where you connecting and identifying with your core essence and higher self.
White feathers in this context bring a refreshed sense of hope and faith for the future and bring in the energy of gratitude and peace. You are entering into a season in your life that may be new to you, filled with gifts that the universe wants to send your way.
To see a white feather after a positive event happens means that this is a time where you should put energy and attention towards your personal and spiritual growth, so that you can continue to open up the layers that are ready to receive the gifts headed your way. You can only hold onto the capacity that your energetic container can hold, so this is a time to expand and strengthen that container.
Read some background on it: “Written during a holiday in Jamaica, Paul McCartney used the flight of a bluebird as a metaphor for the power of love to set a person free from mental and physical constraints. Bluebird was more personal, and reflected his contentment with Linda McCartney.”
& I’m grateful. For love-as it shows up in my life. & even though..wait, there is a quote that says it perfectly:
You know, this could absolutely pms related, but I really shouldn’t be crying this much at the end of DMZ.
I don’t often talk about this or bring this up with anyone (my therapist says this is something I need to work on-she might be right 🤷🏾♂️).
Fuck, there’s so many things going through my head. Why. Why now? I was just fucking good. Not even on that vibe & this limited series really just fucking triggered me. & placed me back into the position of fetal (not literally, but, you get it).
Thinking about Mothers.
Mums and Motherhood. & the (usually?) strong bond mother and child forms.
& yeah. No I never really had that. I watch, or observe, rather, these relationship dynamic between Mum and daughter, Mum and child…& I wish I fucking had that.
To have felt 100% safe. Secure. Loved and cared for outside of “I am responsible for you, that don’t mean I gotta like you.”
Yo. I remember when that clip from the film 🎞 Fences was circulating and my Mum sent it to me.
And that was her way of saying that’s what she needed to be for me. Not to like me, not to form a closeness or friendship with me…that wasn’t part of it for her.
An emotional wound. Still fucking there. No matter how much I ignore or compartmentalize…focus on every other thing, every other aspect of my life..& I watch this series and it’s such a reminder. One that I don’t care to remember.
Providing for is not the same as emotional care or emotional intimacy.
And based on her accounts of childhood and her relationship with my grandmother; her own mother wounds have manifested into ours.
Generational trauma looks like a lot of things…
& I often times wondered if I attracted women who are emotionally unavailable, because that is what I was shown.
It’s a duty. Not a feeling. & having a child is a responsibility that you have to take care of, and as long as the other needs of the child are taken care of, the emotional ones don’t matter. You take care of your family. You do what you gotta do. But.
I assure you. I guarantee you. As someone speaking from experience…your children need more than that. Financial security and stability is one piece of the puzzle & an absolute blessing. But. The biggest piece that matters the most..to me, to this day, is love. It’s care and concern and feeling like the one person you love the most, you can trust with your feelings. With your heart.
I experienced heartache at a very young age.
Abandonment from 1 parent who was addicted to drugs and I had to be separated from via divorce (my Mum is Taurus she wasn’t having that shit) & emotional abandonment and neglect from the other parent who honestly never wanted to be a parent in the first place, & had to pick up the responsibilities of both & try to navigate life from there. I can honestly say that knowing all that I know now: she did her best.
After she divorced him it left her very stressed, overwhelmed and overworked…and under prepared to give to a child..something she herself never received from her own Mum.
This is not a love story. It’s certainly not one with the intention of bashing a woman who sacrificed everything so that I would have things. & things are nice. But, as I find even at this age: things…isn’t love.
Things can’t comfort you. Be there to support you and be a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on.
& honestly Idk if that pain ever goes away. I mean. I’ve dealt with life, as it came, on my own emotionally for many years. Since I was a teenager. So You would think I’d have the shit under control by now 🙄
Well. This is a reminder that need to set up a session with my therapist.
& Aries season…a reminder of Fire. & how we gotta face the fire; our innermost fears, things that break our hearts the most and sometimes things need to be burned down to be rebuilt again.
Also a reminder to let go of any connection that doesn’t give to me, as I give to them. Because of the way I came up as an adolescent and into adulthood…I saw through myself and through others how lonely, hard and hurtful it can be going through life having to figure shit out all on your own. And I would never want anyone to have to go through life not feeling supported or emotionally cared for or regarded. I will give and share any and everything fucking thing I possess if someone I love needs it, but I also need that to be reciprocated. That’s the thing. These unhealthy relationship dynamics teach us that we aren’t enough. & damn You know what…I would have my Chiron in Aries ♈️ you really can’t make this astrology shit up, lol.
I acknowledge that I’ve had enough of emotional deficit in my life…. so I’m receiving the ones who intentionally, genuinely and loving pour into me. Who check in on me. Who show up for me. Who congratulate me when I win. Who comfort me when I’m sad or not feeling my best. & remind me that I am worthy of love. Because I deserve it.
I truly envy folks that are close with their parents in that way. & if you don’t/didn’t have that, I just wanna remind you that no mattter what: you are worthy of love, care, concern, emotional safety, etc.
And even though you didn’t grow up choosing you bc you felt like you had so much to do & had to earn the affection or attention from your primary caregiver…I’m telling you it’s safe to do so. The scars and the wounds might not ever heal. I’m just gonna be real. But that doesn’t mean that the relationships that we form now, have to mirror that experience.
You are worthy. Just as you are. And I hope you choose people who also choose you. And show up for you in the ways you need.
Man, my back could be against every wall, but a hug and loving embrace (even if no words are exchanged) can make all the difference. A text or a conversation, shit even a song (if you know me, I LOVE music), funny memes. Bro. Showing is up is showing up. & I’m very grateful for all of my life and love teachers who have in the past and who now remind me of my worthiness. Who tell me how much they love and appreciate me. Cuz that shit really makes a difference and matters to people like me.
So yeah go watch DMZ on HBOMax, it’s really good, lol
Today is Tuesday. & Tuesday being ruled by the planet Mars…makes sense.
I saw this post by 1 of my favourite writers I found online, Billy Chapata. & as I read it, I loved it. Then I realized that my “well, actually” Aquarius ♒️ head ass had more to add to that, lol. So here’s said post:
& here comes the well actually, for me:
I never lose love. I lose people & vice versa. Love never changes, people do. So my power may be diminished temporarily due to pain, hurt, etc. but it has this beautiful tendency of returning. When I am ready. Healing. Pouring love into myself and subsequently, others. Love remains. So in the words of Bey “they’ll never take my power, my power, my power”
When you ground and connect with your body Connect with presence..you disconnect from consumption and overconsumption of media, background noise, even your favourite binge worthy shows. Shit is wild how uninterested you become in such things.
It just don’t hit the same. Looking at my library at the classic and the legendary
Stillness, but not being sedentary.
Connectedness to sound and color Emphasis on: presence in interpersonal relationships. Support. Being there. & showing up. Intentionally. With a grateful heart With clarity and abundance of appreciation for the moments that you get to spend and share with your favourite and closest people.
Disconnect, to connect. Feel the feels usually repressed Numbed and subdued Consumer being consumed With same day delivery Post Modern Fillory
You are the magician of your own destiny Tarot, pero
One of the things that I’ve realized about myself as I matured is that I like sentimental and cute shit. Take for instance a love letter.
Written by your most favourite person, in their own handwriting and with trace amounts of her signature & most intoxicating fragrance. Yeah. That.
& once I heard this song “Strawberry Letter #23” I of course had to look up the lyrics and the song meaning-as told by its writer. I found this bit of info after a quick search:
The song was written by Shuggie Otis for his second album, Freedom Flight in 1971- as a way to describe his romantic feelings for his girlfriend. Though the lyrics commonly refer to “Strawberry Letter 22,” Otis explains that, “the song is about a love letter. The guy and the girl had written each other 22 love letters. And the 23rd one he writes is a song.
Call me whatever tf you want (either way idc) but that’s the type of shit I like. Sweet, sentimental. Romance. Intention. Attention to detail…& vulnerability. Expressing your deepest feelings & sentiments- & being so vibrationally free, so wholeheartedly and whole spirited-ly in the midst of such beautiful love…that your words sound like you were on some type of psychedelic trip. I mean, check out these lyrics:
Hello, my love, I heard a kiss from you
Red magic satin playing near, too
All through the morning rain I gaze, the sun doesn’t shine
Rainbows and waterfalls run through my mind
In the garden, I see
West purple shower, bells and tea
Orange birds and river cousins dressed in green
Pretty music I hear, so happy and loud
Blue flower echo from a cherry cloud…
If you arrive and don't see me I'm going to be with my baby I am free, flying in her arms Over the sea
Stained window, yellow candy screen See speakers of kite With velvet roses diggin' Freedom flight A present from you Strawberry letter 22 The music plays I sit in for a few
Yeah. That’s the kind of love I’m talking about. Remembering that a huge part of your experience…is to experience, love. In all of its glory.
So back to the love letter 💌 and things of that nature. I also very much so love sweet little notes from my person. From those little sticky notes left on mirrors & placed strategically in places you will definitely see them (like in your car on the steering wheel), to voice notes. I love them all. I honestly love expressiveness and vulnerability in my romantic connection.
Like…if I’m making you feel some type of way, I would love to know. I may be great at a lot of things, but being a hard core psychic or mind reader ain’t one of em, lol. So. I’m very appreciative of the woman that takes the time and has the intention of letting me know exactly how she feels about me/us/our connection and relationship.
As Alina Baraz & Galimatias say: “show me and I’m all yours.”
It’s kinda weird-I feel the same, yet I feel different. Is it a psychological thing bc everybody (well, lots of folks) been screaming this “new year, new me” shit? Along with all the memes and posts about changing who they are-miraculously overnight, lolol. I’m such a bitch sometimes, but I mean…seriously. You finna change all the things in 1 day 🤨 I meannnnn, do you. Not saying it’s impossible, just unrealistic. & kinda unfair, I think, to put that type of pressure on yourself.
But. Anyway. I feel different. As the same person. If that makes sense (makes sense to me, lol) and this year I did something different in that I just allowed myself to be and feel my way into the newness/different ways I’m feeling and not force the usual strict regime of ok ima do this, this and this…right off the bat…back? Ima have to look that saying up. But feeling and processing where I am, into where I want to be/end up.
If this pandemic has taught me anything: it’s that we ain’t in control of shit. You make plans and God/the Universe laughs. Well this pandemic is headed for a new season so idk who laughing but shit. Jokes old now. So yeah no. No added pressure to be/achieve/control. Just navigating this goddamn covid neverland and making sure my family is straight. My connections are valued, appreciated and nourished.
And I decided to do what felt right going into the new year…& to do so moving forward. Feel my way. As a heavy Saturnian ruled person, I’m very much so used to logic, pragmatism, etc. as opposed to feeling/emotional centered. So. Embracing my cancer north node and following my North Star, this is what I’m doing. without effort. It just is. Flowing. I can fuck with this vibe always. In touch and in tune ✨
And accepting the feelings.
Oh, & another big one: accepting the human beings-as they show up-as they are. Because we’re all (well the people I know) just doing our fucking best. With what we got going on and where we are. Letting people off the hook is also letting yourself off the hook. Look at me sounding like a yoda thee G
But. All in all. I feel at peace. Lk excited since it’s my 5H profection year this year and numerology wise 2022 is the year of The Lovers, union, playfulness…just good shit. & I’m calling all of that into my experience. Beautiful ass alignment. That will blow my mind and expand my heart. Last year I purposely abstained and refrained from dating because I was intentional about getting some things done and accomplished (which I did and I’m very grateful for) that I knew I wouldn’t have the capacity for dating or entertaining any type of romantic relationship. I met some rad ass women, though. But this year, I’m aligning with a beautiful goddess and I can feel it. & I’m giving thanks in advance.
My sole focus won’t be on romantic love, though. According to my astrologer, the way my 7H is set up, I’m supposed to live my life and have all the fun-sooooo, I plan on doing that. And there are already some things in the works that I’m very excited about and it feels very refreshing to be excited about shit again & not be attaching it to only a person/relationship. There’s so many great things on the horizon, so I’m very much so looking forward to this chapter of much lighter energy and fun. Adventure and exploration-I’m a Sagittarius stellium; adventure, exploring and fun is my middle name(s)
Not to sound cliche but totally sounding cliche:
It’s a new dawn. It’s a new day. It’s a new life. For me. & I’m feeling good
Give thanks for 2022 and all of the amazing, beautiful divine blessings, love and magick it’s bringing me. Give fucking thanks!
Dreams…I like to think of them as messages from beyond. Or, even our subconscious. Could be both. Either way. These vivid ass dreams bringing lessons and reminders to the forefront-especially ones regarding love + relationships during Venus retrograde in Capricorn…that dream is so on point.
In this one, I was transported back to Cali. And working at my old spot. There was a gorgeous woman there (that I don’t recognize in real life) who just started working there a couple months prior. We decided to go have lunch together and during lunch also decided to take the rest of the day off to spend more time together since we were having such a wonderful time.
Within those hours from lunch that ended in dinner, this woman-still can’t for the life of me figure out who she is-but remember so vividly…she was so intentional and her actions reflected her interest in me. The things we spoke about and the vulnerability shared between us both..the way she supported me in a not so pleasant moment that I had earlier…it just…reminded me of all the things and ways that I deserve someone to show up for themselves, as themselves and also show up for me.
Her attentiveness, eagerness to learn more about me beyond the surface level stuff. Her gentleness and on the flip side the way she damn near cussed out an aggressive & rude waitress, lol all this shit…when I woke up I was like…ok Universe, ok Ancestors and guides…you speaking to me on some shit that I need to always remember: bare minimum effort will never cut it. Lukewarm is only good for people who prefer that temperature. I’m not one of them.
Basically Venus rx was chopping it up in my dreams. And in Capricorn no doubt. Like bitch, since you not getting it out here lemme visit you while you sleep, lolol. Also, I’m a natal Venus in Capricorn and the way that we give and love (plus add my Pisces rising to that) we go hard for the people we like, care about and love. We will do anything to make your life easier and-sometimes, (according to astrologers, a lot of times) we give too much to people that don’t deserve it. That’s literally what my astrologer reminded me in my recent reading. That we have to be mindful of giving to those who don’t reciprocate. Those who show us that they aren’t on the same level. Also something my therapist said. She be knowin, too.
Well. That dream was divinely timed to say the least. I’m up. I’m paying attention and acting accordingly. That’s what these retrogrades are for, right? Review. Reevaluate. Reassess. The fact that I dreamed about this mystery woman who shared and gave to me all that I want and need-even from the beginning…fuck. She out there. So. Yeah. I don’t mind waiting a little longer for what I deserve-I feel like this is a quote from somewhere. But. Yeah man. Give thanks for these divine messages and reminders via dreams.
I’m not so caught up in the overuse and abuse of terms such as soulmate and especially twin flames. Could they be a real phenomenon/thing/experience??? Sure. Nothing is impossible or new under the sun. & there definitely are (IMO) certain relationships and partnerships that transcend space & time.
So. Anyway as a low key cynic when people just throw those terms around for clicks, this last week really changed…well, not changed but opened me up to the possibility of these amazing connections that we can have with people, no matter how much time has passed or both parties previously being married to someone else…having kids, not speaking for 10+ years…shit, life. As much as time passed and life unfolded, the connection never fades.
I witnessed this shit. Personally experienced this and I gotta say…it’s nothing short of awe inspiring and miraculous. That two people after all this time, all their shit, separate lives they have led can come back together and still carry a spark that makes your heart want to spontaneously combust ❤️🔥
Life is wild.
Love is beautiful.
& you never know when/how alignment is gonna show up.
I made that connection for my fam and the dude that…since as long as I can remember, she has always held a torch & loved him. I randomly ran into him the other day & I had to call that heffa and I surprised her by putting him on the phone.
Yo. The way he was grinning and smiling, and the subsequent conversations her and I had…made my heart smile. Bc neither of them were expecting that day and those moments to go the way they did. She has been messaging me every day since about how good it’s been reconnecting with him. The conversations they’ve been having.
She broke down in tears today talking to me and said that the way he has made her feel so valued, seen and appreciated, she has never gotten from her husband in the 20+ years they been married. Fuck.
There is a difference, a huge one with being wanted versus being valued.
And someone showing up for you and sharing with you. Making you feel excited again, heard, safe, wanted & desired…Her messages almost made me cry. Because I could hear the ways she hadn’t received those things, been loved and cared for by someone who vowed and claimed to do so, as she was speaking.
Yo. When it’s real, when it’s authentic and intentional, you’ll not only know it, but you’ll feel the difference.
I was meant to be at that exact place at that exact time. & I’m so grateful that I was able to facilitate reconnecting them both. I love them both and they deserve the love, care, energy and affection of each other. I’m rooting for those two.
Life is short. Love hard and give your all (as long as it’s reciprocal and mutual). The right one will find you-in this life and quite possibly, based on these 2, the next.
It inspires me to keep my heart open. That no one is sent to anyone on accident and the woman/goddess who is not a perfect human but perfect for me, will show up right when she’s supposed to. I won’t have to guess how she feels. She will make it known and openly share with me. It will be/feel natural. No ego or pride will get in the way of our love & connection evolving. & I give thanks in advance for this beautiful and divine love. I’m worthy of it and so is she.