If I can’t keep it 💯 here on my own Blog, in my own space..in my own domain (it is called confessions of a Qbag) then what tf am I doing, lol
So. I was up late last night/this morning working on a new video edit featuring one of my fave (& tbh, 1 of the few anime’s I’ve ever watched) Cowboy Bebop.
I’m boutta digress and tell you how I came across said anime. Well kiddos, let me explain to you about one of the most important places in my childhood/adolescent life: my neighborhood library. I do believe at the time when I first saw CB, I was living in the DFW area and gotten my library card (an accomplishment, tuh!) and that branch was allowing you to also borrow DVD’s 📀 -(ok iPad and streaming video lovers calm down cuz we didn’t have all that) so being able to get a couple books and a dvd was very lit “back in my day”
So. I had never watched any Japanese animation until I checked out that series and I’ve fucked with Faye Valentine, Spike & them since then.
Ok back to what I was creating. So I made an edit, featuring those images & some tweets that I fw. Did that. Fell asleep. Woke up with an almost completed video, just minus the audio.
After listening to the audio track a couple times, I realized that I needed to go into an entirely different direction/whole new edit.
Twitter. Filled with wisdom and ratchedness. Advice & Astrology. Real shit & only fans videos…it’s just a goldmine of opinions, facts & hilarity. Some other shit, too, but that’s good for now. So. With a little searching, the tweets that mirrored the subject of the song, came through.
Wtf am I talking about? Abandonment issues, folx.
You don’t want those problems
& I, having dealt with…still deal with at times…the father abandoning the household…the Mother being the provider and protector more so than the nurturer, can relate.
I realized how those issues have come up in the past & shit! am I grateful to be in a place where I’m looking from outside…more like up on the rooftop looking down at my self & how those issues came into play in my life.
I ain’t too far away from this hindsight, tho. Shit even recently, I posted a piece about my 12th House Sun & feeling like at some point, no matter how much love, time or energy is invested, to expect people to leave your life…& damn, it has to do with that 12H placement but also
& therapy…is bae.
It’s not a clingy, overly extended, weak boundary type of energy (but it used to be).
I think (therefore this is my experience), that my Aqua Sun & Fire Moon energy is partially my savior when it comes to that bc of non attachment. & please don’t get me wrong: I’m not afraid of, or always thinking that someone will leave me (based on whatever reason or type of relationship). Nah.
Madea said something in a play once that has stuck with me ever since I saw it years ago: Let em go
Sometimes though, there is this feeling of me fighting that feeling, that abandonment wound, that says that relationships in any capacity aren’t meant to last…that even after 17 years, or 2 years…eventually someone leaves.
Yo. It’s wild. Because there is also this part of me who now acknowledges that no one is promised to you for any set amount of time. We are here to experience one another in whatever capacity that relationship is meant to be experienced, & not become overly attached to the thing…to the time…& just enjoy them. So. I do my best to experience people and go from there.
Very ironically, my Venus is in Capricorn…so I also am about that long term commitment/longevity life in my relationships. I prefer it. Solid. Grounded. Healthy & stable relationships in every part of my life.
But there is something inherently traumatic that feels as though you can be the best person (do your best) & something, 1 bad disagreement, or even you acknowledging your own feelings and having boundaries, will end up causing you to lose people. Fucking shit is what it is, lol. Don’t get it twisted, it’s neither fun or healthy.
I had to address these feelings within a friendship over the past few weeks. & I was
to reverting back to that wounded child…that feeling of not being worthy of being loved or understood, and therefore abandoned. So close. But I had to go to hell* and back
*hell* is the subconscious…it’s where you shadow box with figures of yourself and all of your wounds…where you do the work that nobody sees, only you feel it and experience it…you give it a name & you sit (or wrestle) with the thing until you understand how the thing has been a thing for so long and how and why you need to work on healing and changing the thing, that’s keeping you from transcendence. Shadow work.
Went to hell and returned with understanding & compassion for myself and the other person. Also gratitude for that person and these moments that remind me of my imperfections as a human being. It ain’t always love & light. Sometimes it’s fuck you and dark, lol. But knowing within that spectrum, that we have the ability to choose. The understanding that:
Humans gonna human 🧏🏾♂️